If the joy of the Lord is my strength, I sometimes wonder where the joy is, because I feel so weary and weak.
But … they say this is to be expected. I’m in mourning after all is said and done.
It’s funny … in an odd, un-haha fashion, that I look at the calendar some days and count the days he’s been gone. I think it’s probably odd that a wife knows the exact time of her love’s last breath and heart beat … 12:30 am. I don’t think I’ve gone to sleep before 12:30 am on any day since My Love went home to the Lord.
Maybe it’s not insomnia. Maybe it’s some odd internal clock thing that has to wind itself down into a new normal.
New … sounds nice, right? To me it’s like a present I have no desire to open, because in my heart of hearts, truth be told, I want what I had before.
A comfortable and lived in life with the man God chose for me.
You see nothing is comfortable these days. Living is a surface thing, I skirt around my days and I do what needs doing and I behave like I am supposed to behave. But something is missing.
It echos in the early morning sun and feels hollow and alone in the late of the night.
A friend and I figured it out … there’s no joy right now.
I do things I “like” to do and feel nothing really. I’m just doing them …
I eat foods I “loved” and nothing … I eat to nourish my body and give it the fuel it needs to do those things I’m just doing. Right now I’m best when I am busy; so God has sent the jobs.
I am so thankful that My God is faithful to me, always. And I so don’t deserve His devotion.
This photo I posted, from my trail walks I do weekly, is lovely right? I see the beauty all around me and capture it for memories. I see the beauty. I appreciate the beauty. But I long for the joyful sensation of that beauty.
The scripture says I have much to write … OH, I do!
But that I don’t want to use paper and ink … I’d rather it be face to face, completing our joy.
“So that our joy may be complete.”
I know that in the coming months and years happiness, joy and my comfortable lifestyle will return. But today I find myself talking to God and admitting that if I were to go home to the Lord today that would be okay. I have a twinge of sadness with that reality in that I’m thinking of missing my children and friends … but being face to face with My Love again … that would definitely complete my joy!
(NO! I am not suicidal! Relax my sweet reading friends!)
I guess for me this is my way of sorting through the veils of this grief of mine.
I dreamt last night and My Love spoke to me … it’s lingering is at the same time comforting and painful in it’s ripple. I guess in my dream I was looking for answers, so I will let God sort out the dream’s misting ripples and I’ll get my answers from Him.
In the mean time …. when I am mindful of it, I will choose to find God’s joy in my world.
I will choose to see the beauty of sun rays bouncing off of dew drops as joy.
I will choose to hear the joy in an others laughter and see the beauty of joy in a smile.
Until I go to eternity I have much to write and share … but I’d rather it all be face to face, with God and My Love, in the JOY of the Lord … wherein is my strength.
Loving him to eternity <3
Thanks for indulging my words and God bless.