After church today, my husband, son and I went to brunch at our friends’ home. The group was small today, my bunch the hosts and two other friends from church. As usual we had fellowship and a wonderful meal. All was going well ,even though I was, we all were probably, a bit tired due to the time change this morning. Daylight savings time is not of God! LOL!
To be openly honest, the last year has been a time of God “peeling away the layers of the onion” in me. This is an extremely painful process. For those of you who have experienced this, you know its a battle to allow God to do this, yet it is necessary. Anyway, I am emotionally volitile these days, I cry often and unexpectedly. I have never been your typical “emotional” woman. No! Seriously, ask my husband and anyone who knows me! So these new occurances, in my emotions, are quite uncomfortable for me and all involved. Not to mention foreign.
Oh! My poor husband…
So back to my Sunday. We were enjoying brunch, when my husband asked a question about the 4th Step in the AA Program. The 4th Step, as any AA knows, is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of self. My son, asked me what the 4th step was, as our host answered my husbands question, I said the step was horrible. Forgive me, but I have forgotten what our host said next, due to my anger and frustration. I confessed that I was attempting to do this thing, and my host promptly stated with challenge in his eyes and demeanor that I was full of @#$t. This declaration as to my personal journey to healing and obedience walk with God, was made in front of the entire group.
My anger raced so immediately to my head, that I felt my eyes open as wide as humanly possible, as I looked from my husband, who continued to listen raptly to our friend, to the hostess, who realized that her husband continued to make his declaration as to me journey. He was so intent on finishing this statement about me that it took her two times to get his attention to stop. She mistakenly thought that my feelings were hurt, when in all actuallity, I was in a rage that he had managed to embarass and humiliate me in fromt of this group. This horror happened in seconds, as all these occurances do.
After swivling my head in what felt like an out of body experience, I used every fiber of my being not to make the “BC” response that came immediately to mind. I’ll leave that profane paragraph to silently hang in the ethers. The tears of rage began, probably causing the incorrect evaluation about my response from my friend.
I calmed down, a bit. Oh, by the way, pink eye shadow and crying are a very bad combination. It causes one to look far worse for the crying, and cool water is of no assistance at all! When my husband and I were leaving, my host stated. ” I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, that was not my intent.” I say ” Ok, I didn’t think it was your intent.” He continued with “Good, I guess your skin is just too thin.”
This causes more anger. He couldn’t just leave it alone! Now its once again me who has the problem. I guess his rudeness is my fault! Goodness, I was furious.
Now, ten hours later, I still cannot reconcile my anger. I do not understand why I care about what this gentleman thinks. He obviously does not think before he judges, outloud, other peoples healing processes. In the past year, I have had several instances of wounded pride at the words of this man. I feel as if 95% of what I say is discounted, dismissed, scoffed at, belittled and demeaned by him.
Of late, I have worked on ways to deal with my responses to his insensitivity and rudeness. I have taken it to prayer, and have had the revelation that I have true issues of disrespect for men and father figures. I have honestly done my best to treat him with the respect one would give a father. I’ve been doing well, my confidante/sponsor (his wife/my friend) says I have.
And then this…
So how do I get rid of this rage?
I’ve prayed all day, while I did mindless computer work and internet surfing. That successfully worked for a while. However, when I attempted to nap, thinking the intensity of my emotions might be due to the loss of the hour sleep, the rage surfaced, like an alligator, silently stalking it’s prey. Tears flowed all day. Release from this mountain eludes me.
So what does God say about my anger?…
Ephesians 4:25-27 Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbor, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another. When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him].
James 1:19-20 Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry. For man’s anger does not promote the righteousness God [wishes and requires].
Psalms 4:3-5 But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself [and given distinction to] him who is godly [the man of loving-kindness]. The Lord listens and heeds when I call to Him. Be angry [or stand in awe] and sin not; commune with your own hearts upon your beds and be silent (sorry for the things you say in your hearts). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! Offer just and right sacrifices; trust (lean on and be confident) in the Lord.
Pretty clear! I correctly, did not respond to the first afront. Niether did I respond to the backhanded insult about the thinness of my skin. I prayed and asked God for assistance. I acknowledge that I must repent for the things I say in my heart about him and the situation. I offer my repentence and intention not to repeat this behavior. I will continue to stand, and lean on the Lord.
So here I sit, sleep illuding me, until I deal with this anger. Giving no foothold to the enemy!
I pray these Word of Truth:
Exodus 33: 13-14 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.” The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Psalm 80:19 Restore us, O Lord God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved.
I thank the Lord my God for the ability to handle the revelation he will bring me in this situation. He will find favor for me in my faithfulness to adhere to His direction. I will remain standing in faith that He alone can quell this anger. I give to You now my Father this anger and rage. I thank You, that You alone can remove this pain and rage from my body. I thank You that You have shown me how to walk in love toward my brother. I thank You Lord Almighty that You will change me. I give over to You my being and my days, that I may walk in the cool of the day with You.
In Jesus Name I Pray.