Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.

Still deeply sad…

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A week ago I became and grandmother and lost my grandson at the same moment. The loss is great. He was so very small, yet so very real. A tiny piece of my heart gone home to God. How, I ask once again, do I miss someone I never really knew.

Yet I feel an odd guilt, how dare I feel so selfishly sad, when my son and his fiance must be dying inside. I feel as if somehow I have no right to need sympathy. Yet, when someone extends sympathy, especially in the form of a hug, I want to crawl out of my skin! Am I supposed to feel this way?

My dearest friend hugged me and I wanted to scream and violently pull away! There was a time when I would have done just that. But somehow I found my self knowing that that would harm her, so I did not.

I was able to pray today, and woke to the familiar praise music singing in my head. That was a relief and a comfort for a bit.

I long for what might have been, knowing it does no one any good to want what its nolonger an option. I feel cheated at the same time as feeling that this was for the best somehow.

I just ache so very deeply at times. Yet that ache is enveloped in an odd sense of numbness, like nothing really matters.

Just so sad, and I want to extend my feelings to my son, who does not want that. I want to comfort my son, and he won’t allow me. Its been so long since he needed me or wanted me to show him any love. Not even now, does he want my comfort.

I long for my son.

I long for my grandson.

I long for ….




Author: Hopeannfaith

Welcome, I'm Andrea ... HOPEannFAITH ... I write and take pictures as a way of expression. These are gifts given by a loving and indulgent Father, to a headstrong and stubborn daughter, with much to say. A semi-retired social worker/secretary, I now call myself a writer. I've published one internet article and written many blog posts. However, publishing does not make one a writer, anymore than taking a box camera to the park makes one a photographer. What makes one who and what they are? Well God for one ... formed me before the foundations of this world (Psalm 139); and many, many years after putting away my passion for wordsmithing and picture taking He gave it back ... in droves. I am a culmination of my choices and experiences. It is here that my experiences color the world in print and color. It is my goal to reach just one soul a day with love ... encouragement ... understanding or just letting that soul know that they are not alone where they are today. This is about creating ~ all of it. Creating a HOLY and SACRED place where the ugly truth can be healed and the beauty of a moment or a tear can brighten a day for the experience. Why HOPEannFAITH? Hopeannfaith is my inner child, and she is maturing, as she should have done all along. She is learning all about how Faith fulfills Hope. She is learning how to live. HOPEannFAITH ~ the wonder twins all wrapped up in one, me. These are my Journey Journals ~ written and visual. I welcome your company. I welcome your friendships. My Journey is in the light ~ although I have and will share the shadowy corners and the dark ~ so you know that you are never alone there. If we hold hands in the dark, and we walk, side by side, through the shadow, we will reach the Light together. In relationship with one another and with the Light. Blessings.

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