A week ago I became and grandmother and lost my grandson at the same moment. The loss is great. He was so very small, yet so very real. A tiny piece of my heart gone home to God. How, I ask once again, do I miss someone I never really knew.
Yet I feel an odd guilt, how dare I feel so selfishly sad, when my son and his fiance must be dying inside. I feel as if somehow I have no right to need sympathy. Yet, when someone extends sympathy, especially in the form of a hug, I want to crawl out of my skin! Am I supposed to feel this way?
My dearest friend hugged me and I wanted to scream and violently pull away! There was a time when I would have done just that. But somehow I found my self knowing that that would harm her, so I did not.
I was able to pray today, and woke to the familiar praise music singing in my head. That was a relief and a comfort for a bit.
I long for what might have been, knowing it does no one any good to want what its nolonger an option. I feel cheated at the same time as feeling that this was for the best somehow.
I just ache so very deeply at times. Yet that ache is enveloped in an odd sense of numbness, like nothing really matters.
Just so sad, and I want to extend my feelings to my son, who does not want that. I want to comfort my son, and he won’t allow me. Its been so long since he needed me or wanted me to show him any love. Not even now, does he want my comfort.
I long for my son.
I long for my grandson.
I long for ….