I find that I’ve changed here once again. I must point out the amazement I remain in at how life and person changes when you purpose your life in pursuit of God’s Kingdom.
In an earlier post, wow! it has been 8 weeks now, I became my church’s secretary and personal assistant to the Pastors’. Well my Pastor called this morning before he arrived at church and always the gentleman he asked how I was feeling. I said I was doing good, then in surprise I repeated that I was really doing well. I could hear the smile in his voice when he said really, you are doing fine after your surgery. Confused I said, Pastor this is Andrea, he laughed and said it was a joke…simultaenously with my epiphany for the day…
I said YES! I guess that is what God has been doing here, performing surgery on me! Pastor laughed and acknowledged that God reveals these things even in jokes. Praise God! Pastor’s words ;}
This blog has held, primarily, my emotions all these long months. From revelations to answered prayer, anger all the way to the first innocent pangs of saddness and then tremendous sorrow. I have spent my time here with all of you Peeling the layers of the onion that is me. In all of this all the power, glory and honor belongs to God!
A good heart here on WP recently sent me to another blogsite of a friend. This young mother has survived and thrived, through Christ, a most tremendous loss. Much deeper than my loss of Shane Jr. Yet the same loss my boy ,Shane Sr. and young Holly, are enduring. This young mother and her family have tethered their very beings to the LORD in a way I can only hope I can acheive. You can go to her story here:
On her site I listened to the song Bring the Rain by MercyMe. I really heard it for the first time on her blog 2 or 3 days ago. The Holy Spirit welled within me…Oh, how I missed the effervesant presence of Him! I welcomed His presence with tears of pain tainted joy. I snuggled into His embrace with deeply sad gratitude for His return. I apologize to Him now, if I did not at that moment, for my selfish seperation. It hurt only me to be apart from Him.
Let me clarify this. I don’t recall if I mentioned my emotional, mental and physical state clearly over the last few weeks of posts. I have felt a range of things in this slow motion chaos. To the best of my ability I can describe it as a outward numbness with deep and painful sorrow at the core of me. I felt physically as if I was bouncing around in a bubble that was not visible to the world. All the time hearing my own scalding thoughts reverberate off the inside of my skull. Never saying what was there, yet hearing every word echo within, at top volume, dolby stereo!
Well, like I said I was mostly myself today, temperment wise. Yet I am no where near who I was three weeks ago. My tolerance remains very low, especially for those things I see as trivial. That is not to say that they are trivial, just pointing out that I view them at this time as trivial. Trying my best not to give in to the flesh judging the lives and stuff of others. Not my stuff, not my judgement.
However, somewhere along the day I lost the good and stumbled to the anger. What is it number 3 on the grief top 5? I don’t know, again it is in one of my recent posts. Unfortunately I have had to deal with anger on numerous levels in these the few years I have walked out my salvation. It is comforting to finally understand that my Jesus remains the same, unchanged, even in my transitions. The anger, though, is not nice, in turn, it makes me not nice.
My boy tells me, yesterday, that I am nasty to people. I realize that I am having tolerance issues again. And this from my boy who carries an attitude of malice, often. So if he thinks it is nasty, how bad was it?!
So here I am, again, eyes to the sky, wondering who I will be tomorrow. Wondering if I will begin with the sun again, hoping to retain the good longer tomorrow. I call my tolerance strong and mighty in Christ. I thank my Father God, again today that I am here, even when I am not sure I want to be. I thank Him that my boy and young Holly smiled and laughed a bit this afternoon, and that they were good to one another. I thank Him for the music He has provided me with to praise Him even within this storm of pain and anger. I thank Him for the teachers and Spiritual Parents that He has provided me in my Pastors’. That He has given me the ladies in my groups…and Julia! Forever my Julia, she has courageously taken on this orphan and continues to nurture and teach, even when I am intolerable, and loves me anyway!
Revival is coming. Life will arise from among the smoke and ash. I put on my garment of Praise, I look up and I cry out…
Jesus, Bring the Rain.