My Mother is on her way…will probably be here by the end of the day. I cannot even describe the distress this appears to be having on me. I feel so self absorbed in all of this. After thirty some years I can no longer handle these people and the effect I allow them to have on me. It appears I have wasted much time consumed with the desire to be important to and please my family. I have failed as miserably as I feel they have treated me.
I must honor my parents, the bible dictates. And honoring them is not what I do in my heart when I force myself to control them. Honoring them is not what I am feeling when I am embarrassed by them or my heart longs for them to be the picture of a loving family. If they cannot love their own progeny then how much do they love themselves. I ponder.
I really do not want to interact with any of my family. Their kinetic, caiotic energy saps every ounce of strength I have. And I donot have much of that left. I vow to the Lord that I will do my best. And I thank the Lord that what I cannot do He will do for me.