My devotional ~ My Utmost for His Hightest, brought me this scripture on this bright and glorious morning.
2 Corinthians 4:2
But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God
Which promptly brought me to this thought and scripture:
Philippians 4: 8,9
Meditate on These Things
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
I am not doing the above. I am not adhering to either scripture, if I am completely honest. I have not renounced my opinions. I have not brought my inner thoughts into captivity, at all.
This troubles me, my opinions, my resentments, they are the same. They feel vile and cloying, yet I do not renounce, nor do I relinquish them…on I trudge through this mire.
I am weary of me. Of the constant focus on what it is I must change in me. I ask myself and my God how this vileness has resided within me, seemingly without my notice?
I thought I was a good person, without prejudice! What a joke…I have so much opinion I could be on tv…this ugly world would listen to my opinions! They are so unkind, it would feed into the mood of a world in turmoil.
I feel vile, unforgiving, unkind, intolerant and so much more!
Oswald Chambers ~ my current consiousness guide…asks me if I have “renounced the hidden things of dishonesty” ?
As before, I find, that I have not. I smile and behave as if I like someone, who at the time I do not. All the while fearing my true thoughts would somehow express themselves without my permission. Part of this is what I view as “good” in me…the fear that my thoughts become known…but is it?
Good people do not say what is truly on their minds, right? Weren’t we all raise that if we had nothing “nice” to say, to say nothing at all??? I was.
Yet these thoughts, not corralled within me, rage around stomping their feet. Demanding that something be done about the wrongs of these people, the wrongs of this world. So like unruly children I command them to silence. And the thoughts stomp away while mumbling under my breath, repeating the vile and ugly thoughts, to themselves. Embedding them deeply into my psyche…
Chambers says it my “sense of honour that will not allow them to come to the light. He says they are easily hidden ! More like completely hidden.
Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hiding themselves deeply, for all of these years, within the secret and angry me. Now up they surface…wanting air, as I attempt to stifle their rage…
I cannot relate with mere words how painful and exhausting all this is…necessary I’m told. I am weary! I want to like me again…Actually I simply want to know me again!!
So bring into captivity…think on these things…renounce the wrong and the vile…
It is amazing to me how exhausting it is to do this internal work…sitting in prayer and fasting the negative thoughts…that’s it fast them…starve them…give them no time…neglect…
Didn’t Chambers say that … neglect…YES!!!
September 8th’s devotion…” there are things in the human nature, such as prejudices, which the saint has to destroy by neglect…”
~ Casting down those thoughts which are contrary to the will of the Father…I want this vileness gone…I want to bask in the light of what God has for me…so….
I continue to Look Up for my help, while searching within for me…