My paragraph of Colossians for today…
“strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.
On the encounter weekend I was delivered! Amazingly from the terrors of my memories and trials in my life…into the realization if my life and calling are of God I am equipped by His blood and His forgiveness. He has literally brought me from the depth of vast darkness into the warmth and safety of the light of His Son’s love and forgiveness.
Tonight marks the evening, one week ago, when deep roots, rotten and hollow, yet festering in the earth of my spirit were removed by God the Father. The roots’ fetid presence causing blockages in my thoughts and heart, that kept me partially within the horrors of my past. The root of gluttony and witchcraft, the fraternal twins of my sorrow, planted simultaneously by loving parents, was uprooted. The fire of God scourging the area to rid any remaining infected roots from taking hold. I was freed, of my past.
The work now is to remain within the Word of God, holding tight to the promises of that Word!
Of course this has been as hard a week as was the week before the encounter retreat ! By Thursday a friend was used to see where I was in my understanding and in my walk. The enemy needed to know my temperature, could I stand on the promises. He wanted to know.
So much like one of my very first posts, I was violently and verbally attacked by this “friend”. This was the third attack by this gentleman of this sort. My reaction was vastly different on the inside, I believe that everyone visually saw an identical reaction as the first time.
My thoughts were:
I am equipped! This is not happening again! God please let me see what you see in this man! Show me why this is happening. God was faithful. I saw a very angry, screaming and fist pounding 6 year old boy. One as a parent I would have swatted and sent to his room, after requiring he apologize for his outrageous behavior! Then the why…behind this terrible little boy was a smaller version of him cowering and looking up in fear.
Unlike the first occurrence of this behavior toward me from this gentleman I was able to continually pray in tongues throughout the situation. Calming my spirit, yet feeling angry that there was a element of fear in me.
Now I have an issue. I will not put myself in a position to be treated that way again. Through a current counseling tool that my sponsor and I are using I found why I will not confront this man. I chose an affirmation to use in light of my art, the affirmation I chose was:
“My creativity leads me to forgiveness and self-forgiveness”
I am then to write down any “blurts” that come up from any affirmation I choose to boost my artistic creativity. A blurt is simply a negative thought or thoughts that I use to tear myself down, stunting my creativity. The blurts were:
Why should I forgive? If it is my fault, why should I be forgiven? I feel them blaming me! I’m not forgivable! If this happened why not confront the person? If I’m not willing to confront, maybe it didn’t happen the way I thought it did. Maybe I am crazy! I see these things skewed! I see them wrong! Isn’t that my perception of the truth?
That is a lot of negative feedback from within myself, I’d say! This apparently is a good thing to have identified in my recovery. I am recovering from life! LOL!
The next step is to identify the voice…this happened as I was writing this sludge! It was my mother and I identified the circumstance, as is one of the steps in this process as well. This was from when my sister and I told my mother of our molestations…it was a bad scene! Apparently blocking all ability to safely confront people, men, who mistreat (ed) me. You see I don’t believe I should ever have to deal with someone who abuses me, yet I hold onto the anger for very long periods of time. Even this recent scenario, I’ve held it for two days. Two days too long…
So my journey continues…and the Book of Colossians is assisting in affirming who and where I am in Christ. God is good and faithful to me!
I give Him all the Praise and Honor in my recovery. Without God I would not be capable of any of this!