One Page at a Time.

one page, one story, one life.

1 Comment

It’s a Dachshund…NO! it’s 4 Dachshunds!

Buster and Ginger’s puppies have Arrived!

This was the last e-mail I received from Julie, after the birth’s began at 6:30 AM this morning!

Well, we’ve certainly had an exciting morning.   Little Ginger has had four babies.  She was assisted by our midwife: “Penny”.
God is awesome, all went well and all are healthy, tired and beautiful!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now the Pictures!
Puppy Announcement ~ November 29, 2008

Puppy Announcement ~ November 29, 2008


Leave a comment

This Weeks Affirmation …

Positive Flow

Positive Flow

Learning the language of 12 Steps, I realized my affirmation this week is worded to put a rest a soul that has not yet, necessarily realized that God loves them. Being that I know this love to be a truth in me I have altered the wording of this particular affirmation from the Artist’s Way list.

My Affirmation:

When I open myself to exploring my creativity I open myself to God’s good orderly direction.

Okay, now I feel better. I am persuaded that the 12 steps are my way to mental, emotional, and physical healing. It is the tool box that God has provided me with to line these life areas up with His will for me. So I had to change this affirmation’s wording.

All the Honor and Glory to my Father God!

Blessings All.

Leave a comment

The Firing of a Spirit…and the frustration spark!

My Frustration

My Frustration

Isaiah 64:8

8 But now, O LORD,
      You are our Father;
      We are the clay, and You our potter;
      And all we are the work of Your hand.
Another adjustment has come. These transitions are coming very fast and furious. Although they bring with them frustration, I seem to be accomplishing break throughs. 
AMEN! Praise God!
So I have been given another chance to stand and be obedient to the word of God. As much as I detest all of these “programs” being utilized to “refine” my being, I am finally, beginning to realize postive change.
Again, the Glory and Honor is for God here! I do none of this without Him.
So, yesterday’s {11~18~08}, and today’s {11~19~08}, test for my resolve.
Midterm exams at Bible School.
Two of the classes proved to be very difficult. The teachings were hard to follow, for me. The third class was brought good revelation and synched well with the first term classes. Picking up the flow nicely.
So I do not believe I did well on the first two exams. The were difficult to understand, and did not seem to be in sync with the notes I took. Not doing well on exams frustrates me. Oh well, I did my best, but by the third exam I was completely frustrated and make silly mistakes on the test. More frustrating.
So I am frustrated, yet have accomplished something! I held my frustrations until I was home and spoke with my husband. He agreed that the first two tests were challenging, and he did not understand somethings, either. That is very telling, my husband is incredibly intelligent!
But I did not vent uncontrollably to anyone! That is a milestone to me.
And this morning, I was able to call my sponsor for advice and direction on how to deal with the resurgence of the frustration. All I can remember her saying was:
1. Is it yours or does it belong to son, husband…so on?
2. Is it important?
There were more but I concentrated on those for the most part. I made it through the day, quite well. She said she was proud of my progress.
I can tell you that I cannot wait until I stop feeling crawly when she complements me.  I know this comes from my childhood. Oh well, someday.
Then later a friend, also in bible school, shared her frustration this evening. I tried to tell her that this was not about us. That we had to get past this without allowing the frustration to get out of hand. The teachers would deal with the issues in whatever manner they saw fit. We need to accept the answers to the exams in accordance with the way the subjects were taught. We don’t have to like it, we just have to accept it.
My sponsor says this may begin to reign in my personal character defect of believing my self smarter than others. Embarrassingly I do, and I really do not like this in me. I just want to be quiet and let people be as smart as they are.
So the way I see it God is refining me in the fire. This fire was clearly sparked by frustration. Angers angry little cousin.
Frustration: a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.
I am very grateful that it is not rage or anger! That is an act of God too!
It would be so amazing if the rage, anger and wrath of my “inner brat” was finally at a close. I want to focus more on my physical health. I realize that my mental well being must be dealt with first, but I anxiously await the completion of this phase of my refining…
I want to be Silver! It is beautiful!
So I am off now to get a good nights sleep. I look forward to what God has for me tomorrow.
I thank God, the source of my hope, that He will fill me completely with joy and peace, because I trust Him. I thank Him that I will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus Name, AMEN.
My prayer of Proverbs 21:31; I share it with you. There is nothing like praying the Word of God!
Blessings All.


God’s Faithfulness ~ Another chance to stand!

another chance to stand

another chance to stand

 Wasn’t my last post awesome? God moved I received revelation and then…immediately the test!

I wrote that post on my husband’s birthday!

A bit tight on funds I could not do much in the way of a present. This is okay with him, as he prefers to ignor his birthday. So me and the rest of the boys club [the sons] planned to get a cake, make sure the house looked nice, a nice dinner [one son is a chef] and a card. Not what I would have liked, but it’s consistant.

So I call the hubby at work to wish him a happy BD. Really, I just wanted to hear his voice. Ain’t it great? I still love his voice after the better part of 20 years rolls around. We are blessed!

Anyway, the test!

So I call, and his boss answers and says he’s at lunch. Thinking John was being his old “House” [the character], self, assumed he was being sarcastic, so I cheerfully return, “Cool is he having birthday cake too, can I speak to him anyway?”. Well a bit haltingly now, John replies that my husband is really out to lunch. Beginning to think my husband was at the bank or out for a pack of cigarettes, I reply “oh?”. His boss says, “really his sister and her daughter called and asked if they could take him to lunch for his birthday, he is at lunch.”

Getting off the phone the tears start, they had purposely not included me. I was hurt. These ladies had not contacted me personally since the last family fall out. Long dramatic, story short, the niece had told me what she thought of me, yet again, followed by her son’s opinion. My husband, not at all happy with this series of events and as he had warned them many years previously, promptly told him what he thought and then cut them off. He does too. Anyway, his sister called soon afterwards, and not liking what she said, my husband pretty much, respectfully said the same to her.

Now fastforward to Friday. They want contact with my husband and oldest son, but my youngest and I do not exist. We don’t play by the rules and lay down quietly. Not that my husband does, but they know that if they do not make an effort to be in his life he will stay away. So they wait for a decent amount of time and then play as if nothing happened. And to them its over…and for me for the most part, too. I do not have a problem living well without them in my life. They don’t want me, so what…

 I often get my feelings hurt when my husband spends time with them and I am not included. However, it is his sister, and I won’t impede that relationship. The niece? Well, as a Christian I am required not to think on things of that nature.

Anyway, that wasn’t short was it? LOL!

Anyway, I’m home alone and feel completely worthless. It hurt. Actually, as I realized what had happened, it felt as if I had been punched repeatedly in the stomach. I have been blessed with  family members, immediate and in-law, that actually do go out of their way to take out the acts of the ginsues’. Just when you think they are gone for good, they return and slice your heart in half. I have recently conquered the pain these individuals personally have caused me over the years. Well most of them anyway.

Unexpectedly, out come the sharp, pointy things and my heart is scarred once again!

So in a raging fit of crying, I call my sponsor. I know that I must get myself under control. In the past I would taken this out on my husband. Demanding to know why he did not call me, why he did not demand of them why, once again, they did not included his wife. Why didn’t he tell them that this was not acceptable to him.

My heart was deeply hurt, again. My inner, neglected child wanted, needed to be more important in this situation. How selfish of me. After all it was my husbands birthday. I had to get a grip on this.

Many of you may think I’m entitled to feel this way, that my husband should require that they treat me with respect.

Well, recently I found out that this is not the truth!…….I Know!….enlightenment is a rude intrusion, at times!

My husband had no way of knowing they would show up. It was a surprise. To call me would have been rude, they were paying for his lunch and it is rude to go ahead and invite someone to come along. So, what was he to do?

My focus from the very beginning of this test was to get a grip. So that I would not blame my husband, or make him feel responsible for my heartache. My focus was to preserve our family enjoying his birthday. My focus was my husband!

So how to control this? Usually I hang on to resentments. Wallowing in them, demanding some kind of  personal…what?…retribution, satisfaction, revenge….crap! I mean it. To feel the way that I was feeling was crappy. My attitude was selfish and crappy… This crap all the way around!

So my sponsor, a strong lady, first was surprised at what they had pulled, the leaving me out of my husbands birthday celebration. She agreed that it was a really crappy thing. She then talked me down a bit, I mean she was at work, and told me to catch my breath and try to get around this. She promised to return my call.


Hindsight in this matter definately had a payoff!

The questions of reality began to flow, within me…How odd for me, rational thought within a rage! This was a new developement in my life.

My innerchild fought hard this day! She really had no intention of relinquishing the power she held in my “rage”.

So the questions:

1. What did it matter? ~~ I don’t know let’s see…

2. Did I really want to spend time with these people? No, I did not.

3. Did I have proof that it was a planned act of malice toward me? No, but it was the MO. Still, the answer was No.

4. Was it possible that they   1. thought I was working.

                                              2. had decided to surprise him in an act of spontaneity.

                                              3.  just wanted to see my husband.

5. Was it possible that they had good intentions? I would hope so. But tend to think not.

6. Was I just afraid, after all this time, that all of a sudden he would be persuaded by them that I was a B*&^%, and he would leave me instantly?  Was I afraid of this, rationally No…emotionally ??? Possibly.

7. Did I just want to celebrate his birthday with according to my desires? Yes!

8. What is wrong with me? A lot, apparently.

9. Did it matter to me what my husband wanted on his birthday? No. Ahhhhh…why? Because he never wants to celebrate his birthday! We rarely do anything other than what was described previously!

Within all of this, odd and unexpected reasoning, my inner child ranted. Temper tantrums, screaming and crying, in my head I was totally out of control! She was losing ahold of the rage!

I decided to cry some more. I mean this did, regardless of reason, hurt very much. So I got into my space where I met with God. It’s my mental space, I haven’t yet made a real space, working on it. I began to pray, first and foremost telling the Father that He must take this from me. I knew I could not do this. That I could not let go of this resentment and anger without Him sweeping it from me.

Praying in tongues, I began to fall asleep, my tear stained pillow at my cheek. This was about a 20 minute process. I awoke with an oddly peaceful feeling, that remained full of hurt and pain, yet peaceful.


A bit later I shared my woes with another friend, who commiserated with me, speaking my entitlement to certain feelings. Then my sponsor called back as she promised.

Her response to my condition, was to be firm. Seemingly heartless and without care, it seemed she was scolding me for my behavior. Treating me as the child she apparently felt I was acting like, the child I was behaving like. Mind you I have not yet come to a place that I can discuss my feelings without reverting back to a babbling crybaby. So I am unable to articulate my feelings and acknowledge appropriately that I understand what she is saying. Her responses are cutting but pointed and full of purpose: Why do you care? What does it matter? Do you care?

This is what she does, and as harsh as it may seem, to others watching or to me recieving, it works for me. I fight her and her views during these things. She stands firm and pushes me to see rationally. Forcing me to view situations rationally.

Frustrated I became quiet. Inwardly, I knew this had come to fruition, I listened to her thoughts and direction. I cannot clearly remember which or both. The call ended and I dealt with my emotions and the rest of the day.

We had our usual family celebration, it was fun. I even had a card that my husband that he didn’t know I was able to get.

The next day I awoke. No resentment, no rage, no continuation of the wallowing. It was a miracle! I was used to this process taking days, even a week or more.

This time!!!  it took less than eight hours!!! NO winding!!!  I can not tell you that last time that had happened, if it ever has, even!

So in all the revelations of the 14th, I was given a surprize. And I succeeded. Amazing!

God is faithful to finish the things He starts in us. Thats all I have!

Blessings All.


God’s Faithfulness ~ Praising Him Continually!

Psalm 21:31
I pray the God, the source of hope, will fill you {and ME} completely with joy and peace because you {and I} TRUST HIM. The you {and I} will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.




Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.


God's Gift to Me.

GodI prayed on November 11th and I chose my affirmation for the week. I chose this from the Artist's Way basic principals, along with a scripture that God illuminated for me that same morning! The scripture is a prayer, a Psalm. Since I chose to meditate here, on these things, my life has improved exponentially in a matter of days!These two, the affirmation and the Psalm, they spoke exactly the same things to me. I know that revelation to me does not necessarily make sense to anyone else. However, on the off chance that it will reach just one spirit within one of you, I need to share!Faith, you see, gives the things hoped for substance. Faith does not work without hope! Has anyone noticed my name here. Okay! ok, I know you have! LOL!The Revelation {for me} was:In 4 very short days, when I determined these gems to be where I would stand in faith, God moved His mighty hand for me and in me! As a formerly confessed orphaned adult child of living parents, it was in this move of the Father that I have experienced the safe contentment of a loved and protected child. Something I have never before experienced. For those of you who are new to my life was very hard, even traumatic. There are those who wonder at my ability to survive and breath in my experiences. I don't know, anymore, if the trauma my siblings and I endured, still endure at times, is that dramatic. I only have the reactions of those with which I have shared to gauge it. I do know that we all experience trauma and drama in our lives. So I share. For those who do not, yet, know that they are not alone.So, I can safely say that God has fulfilled my safety concerns, with the Hand of a loving and protective parent. If He does this for me, He will do it for anyone, He will do it for Everyone!In the last few months my personal, emotional and mental safety have been a concern, within me. At this moment, I know that I know, that Father God has put that issue to bed. I am protected within the shelter of His wings! I fear, no longer, those who do not know, who may pass innocent or malice judgements. I am sheltered from the offenses of others, who do not know. It is truth, that scripture that states: The Truth will set you free. Just the knowing of the truth sets one afloat in freedom.In the last 24 hours I have been lifted out of a deep depression. I have reached out and Looked Up for the healing of an infection, that took hold overnight. God provided the things needed for these maladies over 2000 years ago, and through prayer, meditation and Faith I harnessed them and have been victorious. I did all that I knew to do. I prayed, I meditated, I believed and I sought the best medicine I could aquire at this time. Everything came to rest in perfect order for me. Just for me! No depression, not even the residual afterthoughts of the pit. The infection is nolonger painful, and is healing within me. My first antibiotic was thankgiving to God, the second was chemical. The Gift! Yes I received a gift as well! Isn't that awesome!The gift was absolute clarity. Clarity that my faith in God and my determined spirit, to remain in that faith no matter what, would return to me my voice. I was able to minister to a dear friend with clarity and effectively. Settling her sorrowful spirit even if just for a time. I was able to bring a Word from the Lord to a friend, who is not always receptive, due to her own spiritual gifts. I believe that Word was received.These were my gifts! So much more fulfilling than material things in a box. Fantasically God, in the life of a woman who, 3 years ago, decided to live as closely within the Word of God as she was able... while in that life, the immediate effect of that decision caused cataclysmic upheaval...finding for the first time actual sorrow and saddness... Awesomely God showered favor and clarity...granted voice, permission to speak the testamony and the knowledge provided by the Holy Spirit, through the humbled woman!This Humble woman... This Humble woman...


I felt a shift within me. While I have always been blessed with being permitted to her God’s voice audibly, He has actually given me more clarity in realizing His presence in me.
1. the shift: this is the trigger that alerts me to  the knowledge, within me, that I have broken through a battle victorious!
2. the expansion: the trigger confirming for me, that what I am speaking forth, what I am testifying to, what I am ministering is sanctioned by God. That it is His Word, as He would have me speak it, at the time!
I feel awed and honored to have been given these tools, to check myself in what God has me do. I stand amazed that responsibility in the spirit realm makes things easier. That the responsiblity does not contain the things that make a worldly promotion does, more work, more difficult to do.
 I know that this will discipline my listening and speaking abilities! Another petition I requested at the throne of my Lord!
I have requested the energy to become well and to move. To exercise my body to health. Since that request, just days, I do not desire to sleep all of the time. I am alert and ready to move, even while still healing from the infection that has visited me.
I hope, deeply within me, that this speaks to someone, anyone! If it speaks to you I am happy and encourage you to continue in your journey. We can walk together toward the light, beside the light!
Let me know.
Blessings Everyone!


I will structure my time…

The affirmation I will meditate on this week is from The Artist Way:

Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.

When I focused on this during my morning journaling it felt like the correct rememdy to my current maladies. Depression, breathing difficulities and just plain apathy. I reject these symptoms of illness in my life.

I then read the on-line devotional I receive, just a daily scripture. And to me it fit my choice of affirmation:

Proverbs 21:31

I pray that God, the source [energy] of hope, will fill you completely with joy [the antithesis of depression] and peace [opposite of depression] because you trust Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Then in God’s final syncronistic movement for my morning was my reading in Colossians. A scripture paragraph I believe I have read already and reread this morning: I read Colossians 2: 16-22; what was enlightened for me was:

Colossians 2: 19b

It is from Him that all parts of the body are cared for and held together. So it grows in the way God wants it to grow.


Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.

I pray that God, the source [energy] of hope, will fill you completely with joy [the antithesis of depression] and peace [opposite of depression] because you trust Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

It is from Him that all parts of the body are cared for and held together. So it grows in the way God wants it to grow.

Creative energy ~ Overflow of Hope through Power ~ God’s desired Growth !!!

I’m seeing that my Father God is speaking to me that I will overflow with energy and growth when my faith and hope remains focused on Jesus.  These will be my meditations for this week.

I will structure my time according to God’s desire for me.

Time in prayer and communion with God.

Time spent doing the tasks that will open me to God’s creative desires for me.

Meditation on the Word of God.

I continue Looking Up for the assistance I need in my day, my life.

I determine to structure my time, my life according to God’s desires for my life.

This is going to create another internal and emotional series of changes that I have come to know will not be easy and can be even traumatic. I will trust my God to walk with me through this current transition.

I see myself the quiet and respectable woman of God that I desire, whatever that means in God’s translations.


Leave a comment

Another Emotional Day…

I haven’t posted in quite a few days now. Depression had ahold, again.

I must say that depression is quite a demon. This year has been one of transformation, fraught with loss and sorrow, as well as growth and change. There are times, many times, when I simply wanted this just to end. The weariness has manifested in a literal lack of oxygen.

Mondays have, for quite awhile, been the day I would, knowingly, indulge in depression. A dry alcoholic I became addicted to the illness of depression. Quite an easy transition these days when an invitation to depression is in each set of the between scene commercials of any given program. Therefore, someone who already carries the dna is lulled into the normalcy of illness. I say this not as an excuse for my indulgence, but rather a reality of society today.

I have a choice. I am capable of seeking assistance from my Savior. I know I am afforded divine health through His sacrifice on the cross. However, in my weariness and fear, I slipped into the sin of the addiction of depression.

the opposite of Looking Up...

the opposite of Looking Up...

I have a diagnosis, one I have overcome. Yet I, from time to time, indulge in the disease. This time was marked. I realize today, because I have a very seasoned sponsor, that I fall into this indulgence by alcoholic behavior. I do not drink, but my addiction soaked mind reasons that one day a week I deserve a “poor me day”. And that day is Monday!

Why Monday? Well oddly its not the cliche Monday blues. I have Friday to Monday off of work. Monday, for me, is like a binge day inthat there is no one about to catch me in my mud puddle. Everyone is at work by 8:30 am, I can sleep until…well somedays its all day! On the off chance my youngest son is about, he is doing the same things I am doing as he is a sober addict, and not functioning well as yet. So no condemnation there, he simply tries to stay to himself in his battle.

This is not as easy a confession as it may seem just reading it. If you’ve read any more of this blog you know there is some really nasty things I battle with. And I feel and am physically alone, often. This is not a good place for a recovering alcoholic.

So my sponsor decided that the program we are using at this time for self improvement, the Artist Way, should be done on Mondays! So one Monday I have the Artist Way, which is tedious, my AA meeting and a step meeting afterward! That is alot of self.  So far it has only been 2 Mondays, but it is alot of self interspection!

So what was tonight’s topic. Structure and Discipline. Well, as in other posts, I am trying diligently to be disciplined. I do my AW pages each morning and try to read scripture as well. However, of late, these have felt like intrusive. I have found an overwhelming desire to be asleep, all the time. I resent being awake, always first thing, and often whenever I am not at work or some obligation. The constant difficulty breathing is a problem. However, I realize that this is a symptom of the weeks long depression I have indulged in. I need, I must find motivation to move! If I move more, the oxygen will come.

I think, no! I know I must add two things to my schedule. Meditation and a daily walk. The meditation is my speed, its sedentary and peaceful. The walk, however, feels like exercise thus it is work. However I must. So I tell you here that tomorrow I will walk the puppy 1 block each day, probably after work, but maybe soon first thing in the morning. 1 rounded block, my house is in the middle of the block, therefore I will walk to Main Street and back to Route 9 and then back home. A circle.

That is where I will start. A set apart time of day for meditation and a peaceful walk on the block. Structure.

More tomorrow.


1 Comment

Colossians continued…

I'm trying!



I am trying…Here I am again, depressed and unmotivated. I don’t understand why I visit this place over and over again. I am sad, I get it. Things are a bit strained, I got laid off from my job…well not laid off exactly…

I am working currently for delayed pay. I know that I am doing what God requires of me. He gave me this job and the economy cannot effect what God has supplied. I firmly believe that. I am not worried about money, God has that in hand. So I donot believe that my mood dive has much to do with this developement. I see it as my reasonable service to God and my Pastors and to my church family…and I am happy to do it.

My mood…apparently is hormonally based again. It just really feels so intense right now. I don’t want to do anything, and except for my meetings I did nothing yesterday! And I am not happy about that fact. So giving in to my apathy does not make things better, and having to do them pisses me off…

Oh the joys of the human psyche.

Colossians 3:8-11

8 But now also put these things out of your life: anger, bad temper, doing or saying things to hurt others, and using evil words when you talk.9 Do not lie to each other. You have left your old sinful life and the things you did before.10 You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God.11 In the new life there is no difference between Greeks and Jews, those who are circumcised and those who are not circumcised, or people who are foreigners, or Scythians. There is no difference between slaves and free people. But Christ is in all believers, and Christ is all that is important.

I am going to stand on this portion of this scripture…because these pains I am having are growing pains. I determine to develope into what and who God intended me to be!

You have left your old sinful life and the things you did before.10 You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you.

I will do my very best to put the things behind me that are no longer me and reach for the things of Christ!

I thank You Father that You sent Your Word. I thank You that the Word healed and delivered me from ALL destruction, therefore I cannot be destroyed. In Jesus’ mighty name, AMEN.