HOPE*ann*FAITH

Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.


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I will structure my time…


The affirmation I will meditate on this week is from The Artist Way:

Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.

When I focused on this during my morning journaling it felt like the correct rememdy to my current maladies. Depression, breathing difficulities and just plain apathy. I reject these symptoms of illness in my life.

I then read the on-line devotional I receive, just a daily scripture. And to me it fit my choice of affirmation:

Proverbs 21:31

I pray that God, the source [energy] of hope, will fill you completely with joy [the antithesis of depression] and peace [opposite of depression] because you trust Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Then in God’s final syncronistic movement for my morning was my reading in Colossians. A scripture paragraph I believe I have read already and reread this morning: I read Colossians 2: 16-22; what was enlightened for me was:

Colossians 2: 19b

It is from Him that all parts of the body are cared for and held together. So it grows in the way God wants it to grow.

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Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.

I pray that God, the source [energy] of hope, will fill you completely with joy [the antithesis of depression] and peace [opposite of depression] because you trust Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

It is from Him that all parts of the body are cared for and held together. So it grows in the way God wants it to grow.

Creative energy ~ Overflow of Hope through Power ~ God’s desired Growth !!!

I’m seeing that my Father God is speaking to me that I will overflow with energy and growth when my faith and hope remains focused on Jesus.  These will be my meditations for this week.

I will structure my time according to God’s desire for me.

Time in prayer and communion with God.

Time spent doing the tasks that will open me to God’s creative desires for me.

Meditation on the Word of God.

I continue Looking Up for the assistance I need in my day, my life.

I determine to structure my time, my life according to God’s desires for my life.

This is going to create another internal and emotional series of changes that I have come to know will not be easy and can be even traumatic. I will trust my God to walk with me through this current transition.

I see myself the quiet and respectable woman of God that I desire, whatever that means in God’s translations.

Blessings.


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Another Emotional Day…


I haven’t posted in quite a few days now. Depression had ahold, again.

I must say that depression is quite a demon. This year has been one of transformation, fraught with loss and sorrow, as well as growth and change. There are times, many times, when I simply wanted this just to end. The weariness has manifested in a literal lack of oxygen.

Mondays have, for quite awhile, been the day I would, knowingly, indulge in depression. A dry alcoholic I became addicted to the illness of depression. Quite an easy transition these days when an invitation to depression is in each set of the between scene commercials of any given program. Therefore, someone who already carries the dna is lulled into the normalcy of illness. I say this not as an excuse for my indulgence, but rather a reality of society today.

I have a choice. I am capable of seeking assistance from my Savior. I know I am afforded divine health through His sacrifice on the cross. However, in my weariness and fear, I slipped into the sin of the addiction of depression.

the opposite of Looking Up...

the opposite of Looking Up...

I have a diagnosis, one I have overcome. Yet I, from time to time, indulge in the disease. This time was marked. I realize today, because I have a very seasoned sponsor, that I fall into this indulgence by alcoholic behavior. I do not drink, but my addiction soaked mind reasons that one day a week I deserve a “poor me day”. And that day is Monday!

Why Monday? Well oddly its not the cliche Monday blues. I have Friday to Monday off of work. Monday, for me, is like a binge day inthat there is no one about to catch me in my mud puddle. Everyone is at work by 8:30 am, I can sleep until…well somedays its all day! On the off chance my youngest son is about, he is doing the same things I am doing as he is a sober addict, and not functioning well as yet. So no condemnation there, he simply tries to stay to himself in his battle.

This is not as easy a confession as it may seem just reading it. If you’ve read any more of this blog you know there is some really nasty things I battle with. And I feel and am physically alone, often. This is not a good place for a recovering alcoholic.

So my sponsor decided that the program we are using at this time for self improvement, the Artist Way, should be done on Mondays! So one Monday I have the Artist Way, which is tedious, my AA meeting and a step meeting afterward! That is alot of self.  So far it has only been 2 Mondays, but it is alot of self interspection!

So what was tonight’s topic. Structure and Discipline. Well, as in other posts, I am trying diligently to be disciplined. I do my AW pages each morning and try to read scripture as well. However, of late, these have felt like intrusive. I have found an overwhelming desire to be asleep, all the time. I resent being awake, always first thing, and often whenever I am not at work or some obligation. The constant difficulty breathing is a problem. However, I realize that this is a symptom of the weeks long depression I have indulged in. I need, I must find motivation to move! If I move more, the oxygen will come.

I think, no! I know I must add two things to my schedule. Meditation and a daily walk. The meditation is my speed, its sedentary and peaceful. The walk, however, feels like exercise thus it is work. However I must. So I tell you here that tomorrow I will walk the puppy 1 block each day, probably after work, but maybe soon first thing in the morning. 1 rounded block, my house is in the middle of the block, therefore I will walk to Main Street and back to Route 9 and then back home. A circle.

That is where I will start. A set apart time of day for meditation and a peaceful walk on the block. Structure.

More tomorrow.

Blessings