I haven’t posted in quite a few days now. Depression had ahold, again.
I must say that depression is quite a demon. This year has been one of transformation, fraught with loss and sorrow, as well as growth and change. There are times, many times, when I simply wanted this just to end. The weariness has manifested in a literal lack of oxygen.
Mondays have, for quite awhile, been the day I would, knowingly, indulge in depression. A dry alcoholic I became addicted to the illness of depression. Quite an easy transition these days when an invitation to depression is in each set of the between scene commercials of any given program. Therefore, someone who already carries the dna is lulled into the normalcy of illness. I say this not as an excuse for my indulgence, but rather a reality of society today.
I have a choice. I am capable of seeking assistance from my Savior. I know I am afforded divine health through His sacrifice on the cross. However, in my weariness and fear, I slipped into the sin of the addiction of depression.
I have a diagnosis, one I have overcome. Yet I, from time to time, indulge in the disease. This time was marked. I realize today, because I have a very seasoned sponsor, that I fall into this indulgence by alcoholic behavior. I do not drink, but my addiction soaked mind reasons that one day a week I deserve a “poor me day”. And that day is Monday!
Why Monday? Well oddly its not the cliche Monday blues. I have Friday to Monday off of work. Monday, for me, is like a binge day inthat there is no one about to catch me in my mud puddle. Everyone is at work by 8:30 am, I can sleep until…well somedays its all day! On the off chance my youngest son is about, he is doing the same things I am doing as he is a sober addict, and not functioning well as yet. So no condemnation there, he simply tries to stay to himself in his battle.
This is not as easy a confession as it may seem just reading it. If you’ve read any more of this blog you know there is some really nasty things I battle with. And I feel and am physically alone, often. This is not a good place for a recovering alcoholic.
So my sponsor decided that the program we are using at this time for self improvement, the Artist Way, should be done on Mondays! So one Monday I have the Artist Way, which is tedious, my AA meeting and a step meeting afterward! That is alot of self. So far it has only been 2 Mondays, but it is alot of self interspection!
So what was tonight’s topic. Structure and Discipline. Well, as in other posts, I am trying diligently to be disciplined. I do my AW pages each morning and try to read scripture as well. However, of late, these have felt like intrusive. I have found an overwhelming desire to be asleep, all the time. I resent being awake, always first thing, and often whenever I am not at work or some obligation. The constant difficulty breathing is a problem. However, I realize that this is a symptom of the weeks long depression I have indulged in. I need, I must find motivation to move! If I move more, the oxygen will come.
I think, no! I know I must add two things to my schedule. Meditation and a daily walk. The meditation is my speed, its sedentary and peaceful. The walk, however, feels like exercise thus it is work. However I must. So I tell you here that tomorrow I will walk the puppy 1 block each day, probably after work, but maybe soon first thing in the morning. 1 rounded block, my house is in the middle of the block, therefore I will walk to Main Street and back to Route 9 and then back home. A circle.
That is where I will start. A set apart time of day for meditation and a peaceful walk on the block. Structure.