Wasn’t my last post awesome? God moved I received revelation and then…immediately the test!
I wrote that post on my husband’s birthday!
A bit tight on funds I could not do much in the way of a present. This is okay with him, as he prefers to ignor his birthday. So me and the rest of the boys club [the sons] planned to get a cake, make sure the house looked nice, a nice dinner [one son is a chef] and a card. Not what I would have liked, but it’s consistant.
So I call the hubby at work to wish him a happy BD. Really, I just wanted to hear his voice. Ain’t it great? I still love his voice after the better part of 20 years rolls around. We are blessed!
Anyway, the test!
So I call, and his boss answers and says he’s at lunch. Thinking John was being his old “House” [the character], self, assumed he was being sarcastic, so I cheerfully return, “Cool is he having birthday cake too, can I speak to him anyway?”. Well a bit haltingly now, John replies that my husband is really out to lunch. Beginning to think my husband was at the bank or out for a pack of cigarettes, I reply “oh?”. His boss says, “really his sister and her daughter called and asked if they could take him to lunch for his birthday, he is at lunch.”
Getting off the phone the tears start, they had purposely not included me. I was hurt. These ladies had not contacted me personally since the last family fall out. Long dramatic, story short, the niece had told me what she thought of me, yet again, followed by her son’s opinion. My husband, not at all happy with this series of events and as he had warned them many years previously, promptly told him what he thought and then cut them off. He does too. Anyway, his sister called soon afterwards, and not liking what she said, my husband pretty much, respectfully said the same to her.
Now fastforward to Friday. They want contact with my husband and oldest son, but my youngest and I do not exist. We don’t play by the rules and lay down quietly. Not that my husband does, but they know that if they do not make an effort to be in his life he will stay away. So they wait for a decent amount of time and then play as if nothing happened. And to them its over…and for me for the most part, too. I do not have a problem living well without them in my life. They don’t want me, so what…
I often get my feelings hurt when my husband spends time with them and I am not included. However, it is his sister, and I won’t impede that relationship. The niece? Well, as a Christian I am required not to think on things of that nature.
Anyway, that wasn’t short was it? LOL!
Anyway, I’m home alone and feel completely worthless. It hurt. Actually, as I realized what had happened, it felt as if I had been punched repeatedly in the stomach. I have been blessed with family members, immediate and in-law, that actually do go out of their way to take out the acts of the ginsues’. Just when you think they are gone for good, they return and slice your heart in half. I have recently conquered the pain these individuals personally have caused me over the years. Well most of them anyway.
Unexpectedly, out come the sharp, pointy things and my heart is scarred once again!
So in a raging fit of crying, I call my sponsor. I know that I must get myself under control. In the past I would taken this out on my husband. Demanding to know why he did not call me, why he did not demand of them why, once again, they did not included his wife. Why didn’t he tell them that this was not acceptable to him.
My heart was deeply hurt, again. My inner, neglected child wanted, needed to be more important in this situation. How selfish of me. After all it was my husbands birthday. I had to get a grip on this.
Many of you may think I’m entitled to feel this way, that my husband should require that they treat me with respect.
Well, recently I found out that this is not the truth!…….I Know!….enlightenment is a rude intrusion, at times!
My husband had no way of knowing they would show up. It was a surprise. To call me would have been rude, they were paying for his lunch and it is rude to go ahead and invite someone to come along. So, what was he to do?
My focus from the very beginning of this test was to get a grip. So that I would not blame my husband, or make him feel responsible for my heartache. My focus was to preserve our family enjoying his birthday. My focus was my husband!
So how to control this? Usually I hang on to resentments. Wallowing in them, demanding some kind of personal…what?…retribution, satisfaction, revenge….crap! I mean it. To feel the way that I was feeling was crappy. My attitude was selfish and crappy… This crap all the way around!
So my sponsor, a strong lady, first was surprised at what they had pulled, the leaving me out of my husbands birthday celebration. She agreed that it was a really crappy thing. She then talked me down a bit, I mean she was at work, and told me to catch my breath and try to get around this. She promised to return my call.
Hindsight in this matter definately had a payoff!
The questions of reality began to flow, within me…How odd for me, rational thought within a rage! This was a new developement in my life.
My innerchild fought hard this day! She really had no intention of relinquishing the power she held in my “rage”.
So the questions:
1. What did it matter? ~~ I don’t know let’s see…
2. Did I really want to spend time with these people? No, I did not.
3. Did I have proof that it was a planned act of malice toward me? No, but it was the MO. Still, the answer was No.
4. Was it possible that they 1. thought I was working.
2. had decided to surprise him in an act of spontaneity.
3. just wanted to see my husband.
5. Was it possible that they had good intentions? I would hope so. But tend to think not.
6. Was I just afraid, after all this time, that all of a sudden he would be persuaded by them that I was a B*&^%, and he would leave me instantly? Was I afraid of this, rationally No…emotionally ??? Possibly.
7. Did I just want to celebrate his birthday with according to my desires? Yes!
8. What is wrong with me? A lot, apparently.
9. Did it matter to me what my husband wanted on his birthday? No. Ahhhhh…why? Because he never wants to celebrate his birthday! We rarely do anything other than what was described previously!
Within all of this, odd and unexpected reasoning, my inner child ranted. Temper tantrums, screaming and crying, in my head I was totally out of control! She was losing ahold of the rage!
I decided to cry some more. I mean this did, regardless of reason, hurt very much. So I got into my space where I met with God. It’s my mental space, I haven’t yet made a real space, working on it. I began to pray, first and foremost telling the Father that He must take this from me. I knew I could not do this. That I could not let go of this resentment and anger without Him sweeping it from me.
Praying in tongues, I began to fall asleep, my tear stained pillow at my cheek. This was about a 20 minute process. I awoke with an oddly peaceful feeling, that remained full of hurt and pain, yet peaceful.
A bit later I shared my woes with another friend, who commiserated with me, speaking my entitlement to certain feelings. Then my sponsor called back as she promised.
Her response to my condition, was to be firm. Seemingly heartless and without care, it seemed she was scolding me for my behavior. Treating me as the child she apparently felt I was acting like, the child I was behaving like. Mind you I have not yet come to a place that I can discuss my feelings without reverting back to a babbling crybaby. So I am unable to articulate my feelings and acknowledge appropriately that I understand what she is saying. Her responses are cutting but pointed and full of purpose: Why do you care? What does it matter? Do you care?
This is what she does, and as harsh as it may seem, to others watching or to me recieving, it works for me. I fight her and her views during these things. She stands firm and pushes me to see rationally. Forcing me to view situations rationally.
Frustrated I became quiet. Inwardly, I knew this had come to fruition, I listened to her thoughts and direction. I cannot clearly remember which or both. The call ended and I dealt with my emotions and the rest of the day.
We had our usual family celebration, it was fun. I even had a card that my husband that he didn’t know I was able to get.
The next day I awoke. No resentment, no rage, no continuation of the wallowing. It was a miracle! I was used to this process taking days, even a week or more.
This time!!! it took less than eight hours!!! NO winding!!! I can not tell you that last time that had happened, if it ever has, even!
So in all the revelations of the 14th, I was given a surprize. And I succeeded. Amazing!
God is faithful to finish the things He starts in us. Thats all I have!