I feel deep apprehension today. It sickens me that I feel the way that I do. My grandma should be coming home from the hospital today (again, this is her 3rd admission in just short of as many months). This is a good thing!
So why do I feel like I do?
Because it means being overwhelmingly busy, which is fine, except that will be mixed with having contact with my mother and other family members who I’d rather not deal with. I actually feel a foreboding! The seperation from my husband and boys, where I am safe from the chaos that is my parents and others, feels very overwhelming.
I wish grandma lived with me. Then I could avoid contact with the others. I began to feel, or I should say hear, my mothers disgust in my head. Her venemous words describing what she truly feels for me, when she is not being observed by others. I find I also dread the thought and the presence of my fake mother, the one who professes to love me when she is in the company of others.
This situation is truly trial by fire. Remembering to stay in prayer, to guard my heart from those who are supposed to love and protect me…well, it has always been this way.
I searched for scripture to pray and found one for handling the day of trouble or calamity! Maybe it’s a bit over the top in some opinions, but I assure you this apprehension is deep. I am going to adapt it to my prayer. I believe one must do this or you are just simply praying someone else’s petition. I, also, pray in thanksgiving. Because even when I am feeling this foreboding I realize that God’s promises are still intact for me.
In my emotional upheavel, my deep and overwhelming pain, God is still God. What I am going through does not change that He has control in all of the situations that involve me! Isn’t that incredible. So while I have trouble wrapping my head around the concept, I am in His care. Further, I haved the victory, no matter what is swirling around me or in my head!
Father, I come to you in Jesus’ name and in complete thanksgiving. I thankfully acknowledge You as my refuge and high tower. You, alone, are a refuge and a stronghold in these times of trouble.
In these times You hide me in Your shelter; in the secret place of Your tent will You hide me; You will set me high upon a rock. Now I will lift my head above my enemies rounding about me; in Your tent I will offer sacrifices and shouts of joy. I will sing, yes! I will sing praises to You, O’Lord. Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud and I thank You that You answer me!
I declare that I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, according to the Word of God! When I cry for help, only You, Lord, hear me and deliver me out of all distress and trouble. I thank You that you are close to me and save me from this crushing sorrow. Lord, many are they who confront me, yet You deliver me from them all.
I humbly thank You for being so merciful and gracious to me, even when I do not extend the same to my enemies, O’ God, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings. I find refuge and I am confident until troubles, destructive storms and strife are past. You act on my behalf and reward me. You, alone, bring to pass Your purposes for me and surely You complete them!
Father, thank You, You are my Refuge and Strength, mighty and impenetrable to temptation, my very present and well-proved help in this, my time of turmoil. AMEN
I’m off to meditate on these things. To swing the sword of God at my circumstances.