As I stand at the center of my chaotic life, I wonder…
with amazement that there is a calm. Yet I wander off kilter from time to time, causing the unsettling symptoms of vertigo. Standing, unsteadily , as the camera pans in ever quickening and expanding circles, my stomach turns over and over with the stress of it all. “STOP!” my overburdened mind begs. ” I want off of this carnival merry- go- round!” As I look down at myself at the center of it all, I realize it is not a harmless merry-go-round, but the terrifying heights of the ferris wheel, creeking and groaning, stuck at the very top and the vertigo sways my stomach once again.
So much has occured this summer. Illness, captivity, lonliness, frustration, loss, and anger, always anger, tempered somehow with joy, success, fellowship and healing. Like I said chaios.
So why is my life this way? Why does this part of the transition of my life seem so very unstable? I don’t know, but this lack of control over my own life is testing me to my very core. Coming from a middle aged woman who has survived so much abuse and adversity that is saying a lot.
I know that I have been given all the things necessary for life and Godliness, that I have been given all things necesary for life and life more abundantly. I have and enjoy the very favor of God. So I guess it’s the Godliness that I am learning here…because life is what it is, one must just flow and remain in Christ to endure that.
What exactly is Godliness? Let’s be honest only God, and Jesus, because He was God, even while on the earth, are capable of true Godliness!
Godliness is denoting character and conduct determined by the principle of love or fear of God in the heart, is the summing up of genuine religion. There can be no true religion without it: only a dead “form” (2 Timothy 3:5).
Numbers 14:24 “my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it.” Caleb is a portrait of Godliness; and there were many, He trusted God and moved forward in that. I relate to Caleb, I was even told, by my first Pastor, that I had his tenaciousness very early in my walk. No matter what I pride myself on doing what I know to do, whether I feel it or not, whether it appears to be working or not. God is God, no matter my circumstance…that is the mantra. That is the Truth of the matter.
Godliness is equated to living as closely as one can to God’s Word. I try, but at times like this, when I weary and am too alone, all of the time, I waiver. It’s okay, right? I mean God made me who I am and I am only human, so it’s okay to let go sometimes and just wallow in my sorrow and mire. Right? right? feel sorry for myself and my situation…No. It isn’t alright. It isn’t Godliness, it isn’t even trying.
The bible says that God’s grace is enough for me. I say God’s grace is enough for me, so I stand back up…like in Ezekiel’s vision in chapter 2:1 and 2 “…He said to me, “Son of man, stand up, and I will speak to you.” As he spoke to me, the Spirit entered me, stood me on my feet, and I heard him speaking to me.”
I’ve stated here, many times, that I am blessed to audibly hear the Lord. Call me crazy, many do, but one thing you cannot prove to me, you cannot take from me, is that I hear God. No one can take that from me, no one. So I can relate to that scripture.When I stand firm God speaks to me, clearly.
God’s voice is peaceful and calm, described poetically in the bible, as that “still small voice”.
In fact God is the very origin of peace and calm; still (whisper/calm) small (fine) voice (noise).
When I am anxious, fearful or angry, the voice yelling in me is not God (trying to get my attention), he does not operate that way. The noise in my head is probably me, preventing myself from hearing from God. The Word says he does not leave nor forsake us, so in these times when we feel seperated from God, we aren’t. We just are not calm enough or peaceful enough to hear Him!
In 1 Kings 19 God showed up to speak to Elijah. You see Elijah was running from Jezabel who had vowed to kill him, lets just relate Jezabel to life’s struggles, he was tired and emotionally spent and said to God: “I’ve had enough now Lord. Take my life! I’m no better than my ancestors.” and with that he lay down under a tree and slept.
Sounds very much like life got the best of him. Seems fear, depression and discouragement got the best of good ole Elijah! Much like in our walk through the more difficult, even tragic circumstances of life. Later after an angel ministered to him and he traveled for 40 days it was then God spoke to Elijah, and Elijah could finally hear His voice.
Isn’t that the truth. When I indulge in depression and discouragement they take over and the experience for many can be quite a long time. Well in that time God does bring help, but because we have submitted to the sin, it takes time for the ministering to get through. More often than not because we are quite finished with our pitty party. Thank goodness our God is faithful to finish the work He began in us.
So the Lord said to Elijah, “Go out and stand in front of the Lord on the mountain.” As the Lord was passing by, a fierce wind tore mountains and shattered rocks ahead of the Lord. But the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind came an earthquake. But the Lord wasn’t in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire. But the Lord wasn’t in the fire. And after the fire there was a quiet, whispering voice. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his coat, went out, and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then the voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
You see, even Elijah, a mighty man and prophet of God got bogged down by fear and depression…and if you read 1 Kings 18 you will come to know that this was immediately, IMMEDIATELY after a great victory for Elijah. The decent was that fast!
At the end of the day Elijah was a man, like you and I; there is even scripture that says exactly that. Even Jesus, while here on earth, experienced the human feelings and constraints we experience in our day to day lives. We see Him cry out to Father God in the garden of Gethsemane, to remove the burden He is bearing.
Both men though, Elijah slowly, and Jesus immediately were calm and heard from God. In the peace and calm that we develope within a God reverential lifestyle we can not only hear, but understand and accept the processes of our growth in Christ.
So why is my life so frustrating right now? Healing in my body and apparently other areas of my life is taking place. I am learning to live and function on another level. I am learning to rely solely upon God for my life, my Godliness and my abundance. So I’m guessing that I have to be content with my life as it is now because it will lead to the desires of my heart, where I will be more fruitful for the kingdom.
Life is not fair. I dread the lonliness and detest the emotions and weakness therein that I feel too often. I am frustrated by the captivity of no car and restricted health (although both are very, very temporary).
So I stop, gather my wits and begin again. I will learn to be content with where I am in life and in Christ, so that I can have the fullness of the Godliness that God has for me.
I wrote this awhile back:
“The peaceful, silent pause, in the music of my life, wherein I hear God.” ADH™
That is where I need to learn to be…in that silent pause…<3