HOPE*ann*FAITH

Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.


10 Comments

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made


   

Let My Words Be Few

 

I had every intention of beginning a Let My Words Be Few Thursdays theme, here at HOPEannFAITH…  

You know, a few profound lines of wisdom and encouragement, mixed well with Scripture. A determined effort to say the most, with the least words {not an easy task for this long-winded writer…}.  

Alas, this post won’t fit in the “few words” category. It does, however, fulfill the profound, for me.  

I’ll begin   Let My Words Be Few Thursday” next week, the first Thursday in February! I hope you will join me. Until then..  

 Fearfully and Wonderfully Made. Psalm 139  

“You are the God Who sees me.” for she {Hagar} said, “I have now seen the ONE who sees me” Genesis 16:13  

I find it comforting that I found a Genesis scripture right now, because 2011 is My Wholeness year, a new beginning!  

It’s my 46th birthday. I got up this morning and one of my first thoughts, in the silence before the Men’s Club bustle began, was this: “They’re not going to call.”   

Sadly, “they” are my parents.  

There it was, once again, in my face, on my birthday! Like every year, for as long as I can remember. The first beat of this heart on “my” day, aching and sorrowful, to ruin my birthday. I was about to play the old “poor me” tapes….  

NO! I stop myself. I’ve been working on this, with God, setting boundaries. The no longer enjoyed my permission to affect my heart, my spirit or my family. I had set this boundary, and to my amazement it was kicking in, today!  

I determined I would not sit and wait and feel abandoned, yet again, for their phone calls.   

The bustle of a morning with 5″ of wet snow began, and my men began preparing for their work day. My husband called from his place in front kitchen fire, “Happy Birthday, Beautiful”. My sweet man, I doubt my beauty even as he professes it, daily.   

Coffee, key searches and Dachshund walks done and the last man, my eldest son { just 25 on Monday} leans over and kisses my cheek and leaves for work. A peaceful silence falls as that snowday sunlight; seemingly more shiny and more sparkly for its reflection off the snow crystals, shines through my thrift store lace curtains.  I’m new to enjoying the silence and serenity of being alone.  

Then the thought of my worthlessness, the ache for my parents to remember, care, love, creeps in, bringing Self-doubt with it. I push it away and open my e-mail. I go through the bevy of devotional and motivational blog e-mails I have signed up for and begin deleting the ones that don’t speak to me. This too is new to me, I promised myself that I would regulate myself to following just 3 blogs in 2011,  because I had developed a guilt for deleting them. Yes, guilt, I felt guilty for not reading every inspirational woman’s post that I received! Maybe because I write and believe I owe them for their inspiration, or because I think someday I will need it. So I had to teach myself to delete the ones that God doesn’t speak through, to me, any given day!  

O’ see how I digress…can anyone say WORDY!  

I come to the e-mail from Proverbs 31 Ministries and open it.   

When the One You Doubt is You by T. Suzanne Eller: {go and give her the love she deserves for encouraging us!}  

As I read the title, I know God sent this post is for me, {Like I said, I read the ones that SPEAK to me.} through Suzanne, for my birthday!   

Odd, right? Self-Doubt!  

Not odd at all, this is the way of  my quality time with Father God. 🙂  

You see, when I got up every fiber of my flesh wanted a pity party on my birthday, like every year. I silently refused my flesh, sat down with my coffee and opened the e-mail devotion.  

I think to myself, as I sip my hot, smooth Folgers, ‘How does she know? I mean she doesn’t know…ahhh, but God does, and He uses His Jesus Girls to feed and comfort and encourage each other! 🙂 God is good that way.   

In the post Suzanne says [my wording]:  

Self doubt can confound and consume us,  or it can be a path to honestly assessing why “doubt” is there and what can be done about it, with God.  

It’s like Suzanne is reading my journal, I glance to my side and there it is…  

I have been diligently working on what can be done, about many of life’s issues, with God. For a loooonnng time.  

Then Suzanne opens my lunch box! She shares a childhood event of a friend, Lysa TerKeurst, that causes deep self-doubt and what it spun 😉 in her life.  

‘Twirling’ for father’s approval, to no avail.  

I had done the same exact thing!   

I can see the event in my mind {until now it didn’t have the heading of event, now I knew that was precisely what it was.}. That day, that event, was the day my daddy scarred my ‘little girl’ spirit. ~ I was dancing and twirling for my father, in a homemade dress; my mother made our clothes then ( a throw back to the 50’s, she was!) and  “when daddy gets home…”…  

When daddy came home, my baby sister ( I was about 3) and I were dressed to the nines, in lace and frills.   

This day, my beautiful, petite baby sister on his lap, my daddy broke my little girl. He shattered that excited “daddy’s home!” pink little heart.   

As I twirled and danced and giggled with glee and went to jump onto his other knee,  his response was a harsh, “Sit down, you are too big for that! Sit down and be a big girl.” And he readjusted the baby, cradling her in the crook of his arm (she was about 1).  

Today, as the tears fall on my 46th birthday, I have found the root of a lifetime of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy, even worthlessness.   

ღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋೋღ❤ღೋ  

We live in a world that twists the meanings of the languages that God created for us, {this has ALWAYS made this writer crazy angry.}.  

Self-doubt is not self awareness, meekness or ever humility.  

Self-doubt is, in fact, an unhealthy twist on humility; a distraction from our dreams and God’s will and direction for our lives.  

Suzanne provided some good questions we can ask ourselves as we do that healthy self assessment in regard to the what, when, why and who of the self-doubt that exists within us:  

Do I have a valid reason to doubt?  

Is my doubt due to a particular person(s)?  

Is my doubt  due to something in my past?  

Is it the enemy causing me to doubt?  

So, this morning as I pondered the amazing amount of White showing through my Red hair, making me look dusty, I contemplated having the courage to let the red grow out to see just how white it was {God has apparently  honored my request for white hair, like my great-grandmother Godwin}. I realize, again, that I am 4 years to 50.   

A half century of life!  

Amazing!   

I read the part about Lysa’s memories…and then immediately wrote a poem, I’m hoping…No! I faithfully know that this breakthrough is going to mean health to my body, spirit and mind.  I’m excited as I have a goal I am working on, and this experience today feels like God saying: You are of Beautiful Worth and You are going to succeeded!   

The Father’s Delight  

There was a child,  

Small and full of light,  

She twirled and twirled,  

Seeking father’s delight.  

The sun shone in,  

The window pane,  

No matter the sorrow,  

No matter the shame.  

The little girl grew,  

Twirling dizzily each year,  

Twirling and dancing,  

Seeking and yearing with fear.  

The Son shone into  

Her heart aching with pain,  

He eased the sorrow,  

And took her shame.  

She danced, again a child of light,  

Her heart full of joy.  

She twirls and twirls…  

To The Father’s Delight.  

A wonderful woman who read this story today reminded me of an incredible video by Mercy Me ~ Beautiful. I thought I’d add it here, even though this post is long! 😉

Blessings Loves ♥  

Andrea