I’ve been persevering … diligently seeking and purposefully in the word. Looking for Him in me.
Came upon a heartbreak and tears threaten and I am finding it hard to keep them back. A bad mixture of hurt and anger churn and silence is my best bet.
Hard to “take heart” … sometimes things are just hard.
That’s life, right. At some point in all the forward movement … all the genuine effort of doing the right thing one finds that someone, somewhere is not going to be happy or approve; someone won’t even extend common courteousy and respect.
So what is this to me? To ME … God‘s girl? Why does this continue to cause me to even hesitate, let alone paralyze me, as it does.
Why do I so need to be liked … loved … respected by those around me? Why do I feel I deserve these from certain individuals? Isn’t this human nature, isn’t this how He built us. We were built to love and be loved; this is necessary. We were formed to earn and give respect; to be righteous ~ His righteousness.
I’ve been told that how others feel about me, or what they think about me, is not my business; none of my concern. But as the fog fights the sun this fine Thursday morning I wonder if that means when that opinion … that feeling … those thoughts of another are none of my concern when I am faced with them directly.
mustn’t I consider why? Shouldn’t I try to find out what is wrong in me that one should feel as they do? Shouldn’t I consider what I’ve done so that I might ask forgiveness?
Wouldn’t anyone wonder what they had done wrong? Where they had strayed?
How does one take heart, find the courage to face the day, when faced with the fact that one they love so dearly feels you are not enough … have not done enough … ask too much … expect too much …
I am trying to apply God’s word this morning … I am pushing through the pain of this lessthan feeling, yet I sit at this keyboard with silent tears flowing, against every attempt not to hurt.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:11-14
Something must come of this quest I am on. I must be content that there is a lesson here; because otherwise my heart grows more faint for the effort.
Maybe “they” meant that I should not concern myself with the thoughts and opinions of others because only God’s opinions and thoughts matter?
This knowledge does not cause the heart to mend, I am afraid.
Knowing that I am doing my level best is not causing this fog to lift from my heart any more than the sun is winning its battle with the fog outside my window.
Maybe it should just be enough to know that the sun is out there … continually warming this earthen sphere, regardless of what it faces … it continues to do its job; the sun. It warms, it illuminates and it continues … no matter the circumstances of mother nature.
Maybe it should be enough. Just maybe I am enough just the way I am.
Has a heartbreak caused you to stop recently? Is it hard for you in light of personal pain to only be concerned with what God thinks of you? Or do you strive to be liked and loved when others opinions are not positive?
Let’s wait on the LORD together. These are the tests and trails of life that tend to make or break us (our hearts).
There is a lesson here, though like any other I find it hard to believe; yet I do believe … I believe God. He made me the best I can be, today, tomorrow and yesterday, when I fell short of someone’s approval. I know I am who I am supposed to be, fulfilling a call I am supposed to fill.
So I take heart and move forward; maybe slower today because of the hurt , still forward. There must be forward flow no matter the circumstance … I will not allow myself to stagnate in the things I cannot change. I will have the courage to change myself, to adapt … to thrive; even if slowly today.
Waiting for the LORD … being strong despite the tears and the heartache and being courageous and … waiting for the LORD.