It has so been over a month since I have posted. I’ve been very busy and very stressed. Caring for my grandma, again, and the stress and the chaos resulting from unstable and uncaring family members caught up with me.
A song of ascents. Of Solomon.
1 Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. 2 In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to[a]those he loves.
3 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.
I have become depressed and insomnia has set in. I’ve opened a door, what a sin, and yet … I rise up in anger that this might be true, that I might have sinned in my fatigue and fear and anger that all these things are happening.
Once again I have entered into the I will handle this of controlling Andrea, and like the psalm says … Unless the LORD …
I have fought to figure out the conundrum of the malfunction in my family; yet know that explaining away profound mental illness is futile. I have demanded in my heart that they rise up and do the right thing; knowing that they cannot, will not (I feel part of it is willful on their part). I struggle with the fact that I have to step back so that the right people make whatever decisions they make so that my grandma is cared for … that if I continue to “rise early and stay up late … toiling …” that those responsible will sit back and enjoy their lives while I continue.
And I struggle that this is a sin on my part … this standing back … this saying no … this refusal to take the literal abuse from certain family members … because to continue in this fashion will be my own will. I must know that God has these things in order.
I am the heritage … the arrow in the quiver and I have not been put to shame; but neither, have I been loved as a reward from God … and there I go again, feeling sorry for me …
Unless the LORD … this song of Solomon sings in my head.
UNLESS THE LORD …
I do nothing without the LORD. This is not to say that I am not doing something when I am in my own power, it just means I come out to the light exhausted and soul weary. I spin my wheels and try … yet in all the doing I accomplish nothing of God, I accomplish anxiety and fear and throw open the door for the tempting of the one who would have me believe that I can accomplish anything without HIM!
Unless the LORD … I walk in the pride that I can control … I walk in the delusion that I am entitled to the love and care that I so long from my family. I walk in obscure futility until I come to this point, where I am right now, that I know even as I ache and tear up because ….
Unless the LORD … I do not have the love of maternal or paternal family. Unless I accept that He is enough, that His Love , He is Love, is all the love I will ever need … Unless I allow His love to cover the sin of a family of chaos and self-love …
Unless the LORD … I cannot overcome this DNA of self-love.
All I ask is MORE OF YOU GOD … less of me … and Unless the LORD … this cannot be.
- Wednesday, January 11, 2012 @ Psalms 3-5 (phyllisbenigas.wordpress.com)