Let me just say I’ve had a hard several days. I allowed my feelings to be hurt. I allowed that voice in my head to, once again, out of thin air, say these words …
“See … You ARE invisible. No one has time for you!”
Right there began the spiral, for two days. The spiral of wounded feelings taking me deep … deep enough to re-encounter little me … and her absolute rage.
Please allow me to clarify I have fought not to be in this place. Yet, for many, many years it was a safe place for this spirit. A place where no one could touch me, because then they would be burned by the resentments. And while this place sheltered me from more pain and more ravaging from those who should have protected, I truly don’t want to even visit this dry, cold place …
The person who hurt has no idea I am feeling this way. While they are responsible for how they handle others that is between God and them … they are not responsible for how I respond to their in-considerations. Oh how hard, for me, that is, to wrap my head around.
Like one who assumes that others naturally behave they way they do when they are “bad” … those of us who strive to do “right” assume that others would or should behave the same. It’s the right thing to do, right?? Again, something between God and that individual.
Yet the hurt resonates to the core of my hurt little me … and I thought I had succeed in, finally, once and for all, healing her.
I cried. I ached. I resented and honestly, decided that I would not trust, again. Eerily like I had (do) done with my parents, and the adults that should have protected, should have rescued.
I trust very cautiously, with my heart, with my circle of safety, and I, still, do not let many in. I don’t give “permission” to many to have influence in my life. It is, honestly, a guard my heart thing. The bible says to be cautious with men and to guard your heart; and I’m very good at this.
My natural shield is anger and resentment. But like that place with my little me, this shield is not acceptable any longer.
My shield now must be transparent. I must forgive the gut blows, as well as the inadvertent slights. If I am honest with myself, the wound I sustained a few days ago was most likely an inadvertent slight, and honestly I would have preferred to be gut punched. For me, it is the slights that wake that little girl’s voice in me.
This blog post was prompted by the fact that I recently came across my copy of “The Power of a Praying Woman” by Stormie Omartian and picked it up this morning to chapter three; ‘ Lord, Help Me to be a Forgiving Person’ and I began to read …
Obviously this was the Holy Spirit rising to show me the salve to this open and quietly aching wound. It is three days later and while I am good outside, handling it; I am aching on the inside, as I work to get over this unexpected obstacle.
In her book Stormie, and firstly the bible says, if I have received Jesus and been forgiven my great debt, then I have NO RIGHT to be unforgiving to others. The Word says, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
If I don’t forgive … I imprison myself in my hatred and consent to torture myself by my own bitterness.
It’s a choice … this ache is a choice. Wrapping my head around that one.
So what do I get out of this resentment? What is my reward?
In the natural, it justifies my continued mistrust in others, which will quickly result in a mistrust of God; because it will boil down, in my limited humanity, that God is not protecting me. That He is forsaking me, contrary to His Word; contrary to His promises. This is where my natural thinking and my human, mental mechanisms will take me.
I am not going there! Regardless of the physical aching of this heart; of the sad feeling I sense when I am with those who have hurt me; a muted anger that they did not do what I perceive they should have done; I am not giving in to the old resentments.
It is hard to forgive those who have ravished, hurt, offended, slandered or mistreated us. It is for me. But God requires us to love everyone, at all times, even our enemies. And when we do this, God perfects us. It is a refining of the soul and of the spirit. Matthew 5:48
So I choose Life and Forgiveness; just as I did when I walked to that altar and asked Christ to live in me.
I choose New Life … Like in this picture of my early budding wild roses … thorns and all. I choose New Life …
I choose to forgive that 490 times daily (which actually means whatever it takes) ;Matthew 18:21-22, because God requires us to forgive as many times as it takes. I have been hurt by many. Frankly, who hasn’t. But God made us in His image; and not only does He want us to forgive, as He did, He requires it of us to be forgiven.
Do you harbor unforgiveness in your heart?
Sometimes we are wholly unaware that there are layers upon layers of unforgiveness for those who have hurt us.
Would you like to rid yourself of the dark and dry place of unforgiveness in your heart today?
Please let me encourage you to go to your faithful Father God in prayer and ask that He help you to forgive. I’ll let you in on a belief of mine … I wholly believe that I am completely incapable of forgiveness outside of Christ, in whom I strive to reside … Christ in Me and Me in Christ! And the only way I am able to remove the mountain of unforgiveness, in this ravaged human, me, is through prayer and relationship with God.
Without Him I remain a seething ball of resentment. With Him and only with Him am I able to to love and forgive, and to reside in Christ.
May I encourage you to consider this book. Forgiveness is only one area covered in this power packed teaching about prayer. We do nothing outside of our communication with God and prayer is how we commune with Him.
Blessings Loves. Thanks for taking the time to read my heart. Please, I would love to hear from you … I long to hear your heart.