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#Crazysad


Tears

Asking why … it’s really just an emotional merry-go-round.

Why me? How come? Why now? Why all at once? Why … why … Y?

Pop is passing … and I am unpleasantly surprised by my deep sadness. I am usually stronger, usually level headed and in control. Not this time.

When I saw the screen on the phone alerting me that Mom & Pop were on the phone my heart sank quickly and then slammed back up into my throat. I knew it was THE call. Either he had passed or we were to prepare and …

WAIT. So we wait.

In the silent numb over the last night and half of this day my thoughts were scattered between wondering why I couldn’t find a picture of him when he was well and dealing with another crisis threatening my very sanity that is spinning simultaneously with the attempt to patiently wait on the end …

Many things go through a head during the waiting … the Whys about the past don’t seem relative … the understanding that the boundaries that were set were necessary doesn’t seem relative either … only the desire to know that they …. Mom and Pop are taken care of at this time seems relative and I am stuck thousands of miles away. And the fact is I don’t want to go … I don’t want to see him frail and small … this man who was such a hard task master to small and fatherless children so many years ago. I don’t want to watch my mother crumble one more (maybe the last) time.

No, I don’t want that responsibility anymore. I just want to be the daughter who hurts and loves her parents. I don’t want to be the one holding everything together while she’s needed and then tossed aside when all is done.

So I grieve in the waiting and I listen to my Mother when she calls to tell someone what is going on so far away, while she tries to comfort the one who doesn’t want to go because she’s always been the one to go while always losing so much …

What does this say about me? Who the heck am I … as tears stream down this face, mourning in wait the step-father who was so (too) hard …

And I forgive all that, him and me … and pray for his salvation, for his comfort, for his peace … hoping that he knows, even when I just found out, that I love him.