Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! No, no we are not doing this again …. 😉
This morning The Mr. was a bear. It snowed overnight, which we knew was going to happen, and that’s why he says he was a bear.
Though …. the bear arose last night and after a very uncomfortable and frustrating evening the bear went into VERY early evening (9-ish) hibernation. I was disappointed as I wait to spend the evenings with him (and Saturday), so I find it hard to not get resentful that he spends this time in a nasty mood.
I think … “I don’t deserve this!” … “Why can’t he count his blessings?!” and all those things a sad, upset and disappointed wife feels and thinks when the hubby goes a muck.
And then God reminds me that my response is that of the she bear … nasty and resentful; demanding he change his mood. All the while feeling justified for my behavior, because after all he’s being horrible! Yet, it continues to hurt, this disappointment.
Yesterday I posted ” … now what?” It came from a place of quiet numbness; the cessation of treatments and traveling making me feel a bit lost. Our “temporary circumstance” has ended, at least for 6 weeks; and we have to find a new routine. Maybe it’s affecting him. I asked and he said he doesn’t “feel” done, that he’s waiting for the 6 week PET scan. I guess that though he knows he’s healed, he doesn’t feel released.
I say new routine because I feel we’ve changed tremendously in the last 5 months. Or at least I thought we “both” had, and then he begins acting the way he did before they said the “C” word and he got all squishy and caring about all manners of things he didn’t necessarily notice before the diagnosis. The return to the Bear-tude is another disappointment, and quite frankly the frustration is feeling like resentment. So I sat down with him this evening …
I decided he needed to rest more so I told him we were staying home from mid-week service tonight. He had already been considering it and felt he was feeling better than he thought he would be … yet, when I decided we were staying home he lay down and fell asleep. See, he’s decided to go back and run himself ragged, like before and I’m having none of it! He’s gone back to refusing lunch … and that’s not going to fly either!
Rather than stand silently by, while he returns to his former attitude swings, I am going to be the “Good Wife” hehe.
I will see to it that he rests when he needs to. I will be there in the morning, with a nice lunch for him at the door. It’s going to be like the 1950s here … I’m going to see if the Bear can find the Teddy again. =)
So I sit here, as he sleeps, feeling lonely and alone, as dinner simmers on the stove.
I can’t imagine how he must feel to have to wait, I know I am anxious for God to fully glorify Himself in the results of that PET scan!I just want joyous celebration … even just a little celebration that we have 6 weeks of normalcy ahead. I want to glorify God with our happy gratitude that he’s favored us with provision, and healing, and ease during this long road. So I will … I will glorify Him in praise and worship and prayer for both of us, until The Mr. is rested enough to join me.