So I ask, why do I feel so weak?
Cancer sucks … it lies in wait and blindsides even the strongest of us.
No, I don’t have cancer! It’s worse than that … my love, my friend, the heart of my heart does, as many of you are aware.
Months and months of treatments and then a hiatus. He’s strong and healthy and happy. His body is still healing from the treatments; but for all intents and purposes he is well, whole.
God kept his promise of healing. He always keeps his promises, our life is living proof of that!
They say cancer is in everyone’s body, like a ticking bomb. Sometimes the bomb goes off and for some it never happens. I don’t trust the “theys”, I trust God.
God says we are healed from the time of our salvation. From the moment we open our blind eyes to the one and only one who can save us from our selfish humanity. I believe in healing … in the laying on of hands combined with the Mighty Word of God. No my hands will not heal you … but God, Jesus Christ, through my hands will heal you! I believe it!
The Hubs had the PET scan and the CAT scan after the hiatus and they “found” a spot on his liver. A tiny, minuscule spot of concern. The tests were done and we heard nothing. So confident in God’s Word and the adage that “No news is good news.” we went to a check up with the oncologist this past Tuesday, where we heard: “there’s a bit of bad news.”. “A few cells escaped to the liver.” the doctor said.
I barely cried this time. I just went numb and it felt like my head opened up and filled with clouds. In fact I’m still kind of numb.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? Not according to my cloud filled numbness … I feel weak. I feel useless and angry and sad and just … broken.
I look at the only man God ever intended for me … his hair grown back and even losing the grey that came in when it came back from chemo … I see his bright blues and that wonderful smile and think, “this is not the face of dying, Amen!” This is the joy of a life renewed and I have to trust that. I have to trust God.
The world says that what does not kill us makes us stronger. … I don’t know about that! I believe what God’s Word says:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
I love inspirational quotes … I long to be a writer that people quote, in my human need to be heard. But right now I’d rather that only God hear me … hear my desperate plea that I am willing to give up all … my whole life, everything I have for YOU Father. But Lord, Daddy, can I please, please not lose this man. I’m reminding you Father, that you said we were healed. You said that if You were for us what could stand against us.
I believe … I believe … help me with this unbelief.
His strength is made perfect in my weakness, therefore I surrender. Actually I surrendered on Tuesday when the clouds dropped in and the numbness took hold and all I could do was pray thanksgiving for the promise of healing.
His grace is sufficient and my focus remains on Jesus.
