It’s a quiet day here in Hutchland. I’ve been awake since 4:30 am, had to get the boy to his job early. Then it was hard to get back to sleep after my return home, just as the light was filling the sky with cotton candy clouds surrounded by pastel pinks and purples … like I said, a quiet morning. Peaceful as most of the world around me lay sleeping.
I recently purchased the devotional “A Year with C.S. Lewis”. I adore his writing, which is odd because it is not easy to read, at all. After all much of his writing is 100 years old, but I LOVE his style and the way the people spoke back then. Eloquent and complete, not dumb-ed down like our language is today.
Today the reading was about wishing a dearly departed love back. It spoke to me, because I have moments when I want desperately to beg God NOT to take The Hubs from me right now. And it conjures memories of my younger Christian existence when I surrendered everything to God in my salvation, but asked passionately and repeatedly that He not take my love from me. OH how naive I was; believing that God, after giving me the man I KNOW He chose for me, would wrench him and that love, a love I had never experienced before, from me.
God doesn’t do that. He NEVER gives to take away; it’s not how God operates, I know this to my marrow, now; but did not then.
This devotional, by no mistake, is focusing on the book ‘A Grief Observed’, which I own but have not read. It’s heart wrenchingly sweet and tragic how Lewis felt about losing the love of his life. The love that caused him to evolve into the man that wrote these many books, the man who, as he described as a creature coming out of its shell being doomed to crawl back in after such loss.
I must read the entirety of this book to know the outcome of this Grief that he experienced and observed within himself.
Today the devotions is titled “Would I Wish Her Back” … this only rises fear in me, yet it begs the question of will I be able to let my love go when it is time, at any time. Or will I crumble into that naive little Christian who begs God not to take what she still wants and needs regardless of His plan, or the needs and desires of my love.
Now we women have a way of practicing and rehearsing possible outcomes of the circumstances of this life, good and bad. You know you do. We conjure the horrible and test our emotional fortitude under the imagined outcome. And losing a loved one is one many practice often, as uncomfortable and self-serving as that may be.
Yet, I wonder of my fortitude: am I as strong in faith as I believe? Really, who am I to judge the level of my own faith and courage? With what or whom do I compare mine to?
Lewis poses the question to himself: “What sort of lover am I to think so much about my affliction [loss] and so much less about hers?
What kind of love am I to want him to stay if it’s his time to go home? Does this make me faithless? Does it mean I don’t trust God with my future?
Does it mean that I simply love my love too much to imagine my life without him. I mean obviously I’ve imagined it. But NOW, today, this last year, the possibility was all too real. Some of the doctors were even convinced it was a sure thing. Thank God they were wrong.
Yet the day will come … even though the Word says we have 120 years, 120 is not eternity and jealously and selfishly I want eternity.
That is what I want, but alas, we cannot always get what we want, to quote Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones.
So rather than dwell any further on whether or not I would wish my love back, even for a moment, I will remain here in the present and enjoy …
EVERY.MOMENT.OF.LIFE. with my love.
That is what I would wish for today.