One Page at a Time.

one page, one story, one life.

Days like today …


I’m just writing because all day I’ve only heard my own voice. And it’s days like today that my tears seem to stream down my face without my knowledge. I just kind of passively realize I’m crying.

It’s days like today that I am stuck and lonely and just alone.

It’s been a long and negative two weeks.

It all started when The Hubs went from mild back pain, consistently, to severe, cannot move back pain. Add that to the fatigue and numbness in his feet and fingers that come with the chemo and you have one VERY unhappy and periodically unfriendly camper.

I know he’s not feeling well. I know, and I am useless to relieve any of his discomfort. And he delays taking the meds that would help, or go to the doctor who could give him something and refer him somewhere to help, all because he can tough it out.

He’s not going to live his life like that, he says! Well I ask … isn’t he though? I mean he’d choose pain and discomfort over relief and rest. Why yes, why wouldn’t he?

Ehhhh! Men!

Now add in the frustration of family, the frustration of his illness and the car breaks down. Not once, no that would be livable, right? But twice … Let me tell you how fun that was!

But the worst for me … how selfish am I, right? … is the total silence between the rage and frustration, and ALL the alone time!

I tell you I’m numb and in pain all at the same time! NO ONE to talk to … NO ONE who quite understands what I am going through. Today I called the social worker at the Cancer Institute  to see if there’s a support group in the area … and I so don’t want to go to one, but I don’t know what to do.

He sleeps all the time, when he isn’t running around overdoing things and when he’s awake he sits with his head in his hands. I ask if there’s anything I can do or get for him the answer is always no. When he finally takes his meds he’s out like a light again.

Days like today just suck, quite frankly.

I think my friends don’t call because they don’t know what to say or do for me. And on days like today that is almost ok, because I don’t want to push them away by being so needy. And I’m so very negative anyway. I mean who wants to hear that, right!

On days like today I have to be careful not to cry too much so I don’t short out the lap top.
I have to gather myself by 5 pm so no one knows I’ve been a hot mess all day.
On days like today I just wish, for one second, I wasn’t alone all the time.

On days like today I have to remember to pray. And remember that how I feel is probably normal and alright under the circumstances.

On days like today I have to not punish myself for being human, and wait for the social worker to call with that referral.

On days like today I hope no one reads this post.


Author: Hopeannfaith

Welcome, I'm Andrea ... HOPEannFAITH ... I write and take pictures as a way of expression. These are gifts given by a loving and indulgent Father, to a headstrong and stubborn daughter, with much to say. A semi-retired social worker/secretary, I now call myself a writer. I've published one internet article and written many blog posts. However, publishing does not make one a writer, anymore than taking a box camera to the park makes one a photographer. What makes one who and what they are? Well God for one ... formed me before the foundations of this world (Psalm 139); and many, many years after putting away my passion for wordsmithing and picture taking He gave it back ... in droves. I am a culmination of my choices and experiences. It is here that my experiences color the world in print and color. It is my goal to reach just one soul a day with love ... encouragement ... understanding or just letting that soul know that they are not alone where they are today. This is about creating ~ all of it. Creating a HOLY and SACRED place where the ugly truth can be healed and the beauty of a moment or a tear can brighten a day for the experience. Why HOPEannFAITH? Hopeannfaith is my inner child, and she is maturing, as she should have done all along. She is learning all about how Faith fulfills Hope. She is learning how to live. HOPEannFAITH ~ the wonder twins all wrapped up in one, me. These are my Journey Journals ~ written and visual. I welcome your company. I welcome your friendships. My Journey is in the light ~ although I have and will share the shadowy corners and the dark ~ so you know that you are never alone there. If we hold hands in the dark, and we walk, side by side, through the shadow, we will reach the Light together. In relationship with one another and with the Light. Blessings.

5 thoughts on “Days like today …

  1. Hello my dear,

    I know these days… I know these days that turn into weeks, months and yep years. The up and down battle of watching your man suffer his way through healing. I know of the medication that knocks him out and the feeling of loneliness. I know the feeling that no one understands, including him of what its like to be you. You are the nurturer, supporter and giving of your heart. It’s fulfilling to see progress but so disheartening with setbacks and bad awful days. All of this on top of your so called “normal life” and trying to take care of your children and their issues (oh yes, you know I get this too in my own way) and you…. wait… where are YOU in all of this. Have you forgotten yourself? I know you must have because most of the time I think I’m standing still while the world just rages on around me. I wonder my purpose. I don’t lose faith… but I am losing my sense of self with life in general. I get the not wanting a support group but knowing what its like when no friends understand… or even better when your friends or ex friends put you down for what you go through. I will not understand your specific trials but I certainly can relate. Big hugs and prayers for you and your family. I love you girl!

  2. Oh, my, you touched my heart with this blog. Yes, alone, but not alone.
    Heavenly Father, I lift this beautiful Believer to You. Grant her peace. Give her strength and courage to continue the journey You have put before her. More than anything let her know You’re presence through it all. Make it so in Jesus’ Precious and Holy name.

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