I’m just writing because all day I’ve only heard my own voice. And it’s days like today that my tears seem to stream down my face without my knowledge. I just kind of passively realize I’m crying.
It’s days like today that I am stuck and lonely and just alone.
It’s been a long and negative two weeks.
It all started when The Hubs went from mild back pain, consistently, to severe, cannot move back pain. Add that to the fatigue and numbness in his feet and fingers that come with the chemo and you have one VERY unhappy and periodically unfriendly camper.
I know he’s not feeling well. I know, and I am useless to relieve any of his discomfort. And he delays taking the meds that would help, or go to the doctor who could give him something and refer him somewhere to help, all because he can tough it out.
He’s not going to live his life like that, he says! Well I ask … isn’t he though? I mean he’d choose pain and discomfort over relief and rest. Why yes, why wouldn’t he?
Now add in the frustration of family, the frustration of his illness and the car breaks down. Not once, no that would be livable, right? But twice … Let me tell you how fun that was!
But the worst for me … how selfish am I, right? … is the total silence between the rage and frustration, and ALL the alone time!
I tell you I’m numb and in pain all at the same time! NO ONE to talk to … NO ONE who quite understands what I am going through. Today I called the social worker at the Cancer Institute to see if there’s a support group in the area … and I so don’t want to go to one, but I don’t know what to do.
He sleeps all the time, when he isn’t running around overdoing things and when he’s awake he sits with his head in his hands. I ask if there’s anything I can do or get for him the answer is always no. When he finally takes his meds he’s out like a light again.
Days like today just suck, quite frankly.
I think my friends don’t call because they don’t know what to say or do for me. And on days like today that is almost ok, because I don’t want to push them away by being so needy. And I’m so very negative anyway. I mean who wants to hear that, right!
On days like today I have to be careful not to cry too much so I don’t short out the lap top.
I have to gather myself by 5 pm so no one knows I’ve been a hot mess all day.
On days like today I just wish, for one second, I wasn’t alone all the time.
On days like today I have to remember to pray. And remember that how I feel is probably normal and alright under the circumstances.
On days like today I have to not punish myself for being human, and wait for the social worker to call with that referral.
On days like today I hope no one reads this post.