I stopped in the middle of my day, today, asking God what I was being prepared for in all of this. It seems every post, TV show, and commercial I see is a poignant story of someone’s valiant struggle for life, ending in death. It seems I simply cannot escape that part of life that closes the door on this world.
I’m not really asking God why me. Because why not me? We all have to come, at some time or another, to that place where we realize that death is a part of life. A door shut to this world we live in as we enter into the eternity we’ve earned by fulfilling our call of God.
I’m just wondering why, now. Why so vivid?
I’m not afraid of death. This beautiful man of mine is certainly not afraid of death … he faces it on a level plane, that most of us do not, every day; while at times in excruciating pain. Pain that would cause me, and possibly you too, to cry out to God to end it for us.
During our evening of “normalcy”, watching TV together and talking during commercials; we TALKED. I noticed during a scene in the show we watch that it was effecting him. He was emotional this evening. I saw a twinkle in the glistening of his silent, held back tears that he was worried about me; afraid that he was going to leave me alone.
Not getting many opportunities to live emotionally with this man of mine I called him on it. He couldn’t really answer my inquiries; after all he has always been a man of few words. He’s that man; the one everyone listens to when he speaks. You have to listen, he’s not likely to repeat himself so you can take notes.
Wisdom lives in those eyes. I love that about him.
Anyway. What prompted this post was something I read in Kaitlyn Bouchillon’s “In the Midst of the Mist” post from yesterday (my birthday). She wrote: “Maybe it’s not about knowing the answers but trusting the Answer. Maybe it’s a lot less about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel than it is trusting the sun will rise and the Son is Light.”
What wisdom from such a young soul!
She writes what I’ve been saying for a long time, about time. Basically this life, though it feels very long, is a span of time that seemingly has no end for us. Though it is much shorter than we can fathom.
The bible says we are but a mist that appears for a short time and then disappears. James 4:14
We draw our first breath, naked and cold, in a brightness that we’ve never known … We draw our last breath, alone, with God, in a brightness we’ve only imagined, but never really grasped …
In between is the mist … the shadow.
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long – TS Eliot.
Today, for the Hubs and I, that mist, that valley, that shadow, is what David was talking about in Psalm 23 … the shadow of death.
NOT death … just a shadow of death …
We are learning about life in the midst of a death sentence.
Well, let me clarify … the world says cancer is a death sentence. We do not believe this. We believe God’s promise of healing and restoration.
Our faith says that physical death is a door to eternity.
I asked God today what I was being prepared for … but I realize I’m not being prepared. None of us are prepared for death; no one knows the day or the time … only the Creator Father knows the end from the beginning.
I heard it said that it’s a good thing we don’t know what’s coming next, because we’d probably never get out of bed if we did.
I’m certain that Kaitlyn was right (seriously the wisdom of our youth is astounding!) “…it’s not about knowing the answers but trusting the Answer..”
We trust the Answer.
I sat back this afternoon, wondering and then decided to just breath and sit quietly in God’s presence. Trusting the Answer. Then just now the Answer gave me an explanation in reference to my wondering.
We’re not being prepared! We’re being given an opportunity to experience, truly experience, our life together, the Hubs and I. An opportunity to make the most of this mist in the middle of the only two intakes of breath that bridge this life and eternity.
That mist is our lives … we can either walk around, allowing the mist to fog the beauty of it’s swirling light and shadow or we can hold hands and experience the mist and the beauty of being truly alive and present.
Tonight he looked at me with that look (the one in the picture) and we experienced some very important emotions. He really does look at me like that everyday. Those sparks you see are not photo shopped, they are real and full of who he is inside. And I desperately hope that this life experience, that is testing our deepest faith, can be experienced with all the life and presence that we had this evening.
Because in the rawness of emotion and truth sharing this evening we both experienced the true peace of God. The peace that He left us when Jesus went to be at His right hand.
It’s faith in the suspension of time … time that is eternal in the Creator Father’s hand.
“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36
I’ll be mulling over Kaitlyn’s words for days, I’m sure. Because, as she wrote: “If we’ve only got so much time left – and that’s the case, and if none of us knows just how much time it is – and that’s also true, then maybe what matters is not all that we do but all that we are. Could it be that it’s less about how well we can see through the blurry mist and more about how we keep on walking through?”
“What matters is all that we are.” …
And all that we are, the Hubs and I, right now is alive and present and I am determined to remain alive and present with him as long as we have, not knowing how much time that is … an eternity.
And … no one knows the day or time … not even the oncologists! ” … not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” Matthew 24:36
Thanks for reading my disjointed thoughts. Thanks to Kaitlyn for inspiring in me the spark to write tonight, it’s been a long time. Thanks to God for sending the Answer I needed, and not what I thought I needed.
Blessing to you all, my lovely readers.