Why do I write? Well like my home page tells you it is to share life … to encourage others that they are not alone in the day to day things of this life and to help them live positively on purpose.
Today that’s just what I am struggling to do … amongst the hardest things I’ve ever faced in this life. After this I truly believe I will never be daunted by the day to day struggles or even the hard things quite as much ….
Life has been quite the puddle of tears and throbbing ache of late.
As some of you know, My Love, The Hubs, went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, tomorrow.
I look at the calendar and sit in stunned amazement, and anger (today), that he is not here. I miss him.
So … I’ve been told to journal. To write. But what words can convey this sorrow. This deep and terrible emptiness and anger?
What are those stages of grief anyway?? Many years ago I wrote about them when I lost my grandfather and uncle. And while the pain of those loses was significant they DO NOT compare to the loss of My Love. When The Hubs passed with him he took my heart and air. Seriously I find myself holding my breath often … I find that curious and it’s not explained by the 5 stages.
Today I want to call these the 5 stages of dying … it’s what I imagine a broken heart goes through as it stops working … melodramatic? I guess, but it’s where I am right now.
So the stages …
Denial (this isn’t happening!)
I can honestly say I began going through this as My Love slipped from us over a weeks time. It was that strikingly fast! I’d find myself shaking my head in confusion? denial? that this was not happening. That it couldn’t be. Our love was so big, so deep that he couldn’t be leaving, not yet.
But denial(?) I’m not sure that is what I was truly experiencing … it was disbelief that it “could” be happening, not a denial of it’s reality. There was a point before he was non-responsive that I knew that he’d visited and experienced a glimpse of heaven (he told me, no in so many words, and this was a blessing later.) that I knew but continued to hold onto the hope that if he chose to he could stay.
But seriously … who after having experienced, glimpsed, visited heaven would choose to come back if they didn’t have to?
Anger (why is this happening?)
I’m not sure the “why is this happening” is truly the question. However I’ve just entered, according to my understanding, the anger stage.
They told me “weeks” and it was exactly a week from the time he was discharged from the hospital just about three weeks ago. He came home on Tuesday and was home with the Lord the following Tuesday, just about 12:30 am according to my clock.
The anger I am experiencing at this point is just anger. It doesn’t seem to have a point or target; it just is. This anger disturbs me. I’ve spent many (MANY) years getting anger under control in my life. It, for many years, was the emotion I filtered everything through. Anger is my nemesis … seriously. It is the one place, (emotional place) I can easily return to without even a sliver of thought. It feels familiar (almost safe, though it is anything but safe for me), like home to me. VERY dangerous place for me to spend time.
“Why is this happening?”, “Why?”. No those aren’t the questions at the core of this. But I cannot, today, tell you what the question is. I guess that is different for everyone going through grief.
I’m intelligent and I know why. I’m even comforted that My Love is not feeling pain or suffering what he, himself referred to as “not living”. He was very frustrated by what life had become with this insidious illness they call cancer and he had come to a place where he was regretting and angry with himself about what he was “leaving” me with.
Yes. We both knew and it broke our hearts. I sought the Word in my brokenheartedness and knowing my Bible Professor he went to the Word without the book! ❤
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18
God I miss him. It’s just empty and hollow and it pisses me off!
So yeah. This is where I am at today. And like I promised in my about me, I’m writing to share this … the hard and scary things, because in the end that is my ministry, my calling.
As for the rest of the stages … I’ll try to share them when I arrive there. No promises that I’ll have the right words; though I can promise you that my take will not be clinical or even correct according to the world’s take on where I am in the stages. Because quite frankly I’m finding that while I’ve arrived at 2 and have left the 1st. behind, that my faith in God and His Word have altered the world’s truth of what these stages are about.
Here are the other 3, for reference, for later … though if I think about it I can say I’m going dealing with the realities of bargaining too … I’ll save that for my next post, I need to ponder how to relate how I’m dealing with that one. Honestly if I think about it at all I’m currently dealing with a mean combination of Anger, Bargaining and Depression simultaneously! Like I said, that’s for another post!
Goodness my mind wanders and gets filled with so MANY thoughts all at the same time. So it’s time for me to stop right now. You understand … right? My sweet friend readers.
Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)
As always thank you for stopping by and reading, and God bless!