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doing life tired …


go …

question: how are you? what is the correct answer? the truth? a convenient lie? silence?

do people really want me to tell them how i really am? or just return the platitude?

wladyslaw-slewinski-sleeping-woman-with-a-cat-ca-1896-1342824718_b

Sleeping woman with a cat Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Lord, i am so tired.

i don’t say that as exasperation to our society’s platitudes. their desire to connect but leave the door open so they cut an run at a moments notice.

i feel like being my friend has become inconvenient for people. i’m one of those transparent, honest kind of people. my friends, yes, i really do have great friends. more than most, i have to admit; i am blessed in that area. so my friends know i’m going to tell them the truth if they ask how i am. and some still ask. others … not so much.

so what’s the answer? my answer is i’m not okay and i’m so very tired.

i function now. for goodness sake, Don has [only] been gone [just a short] three years; and my boy, my Shane, [only] a year and a half.

it’s exhausting keeping up with the inconvenience of my life. to function;  when it means getting out of bed showering and getting dressed. this level of functioning can knock me out with fatigue. i simply cannot explain the fatigue from functioning in a normal human’s day.

it’s complicated, grief driven fatigue. it’s apparently ptsd, too. i don’t know about that diagnosis though. i’m a God believing, born again, Christian who believes healing is for us, for today.

stop …

but wait … there’s more.

so i fane function. i work from home so i can cheat, but most days, after waking from 8 to 9 hours of sleep, as tired as i was when i fell  asleep the night before and get dressed. most days i force myself to do the housework, the office work and those day to day things we all do. when the day meets evening i am in physical pain and tired, bone tired.

and forgive me as  i say … i’m tired of being tired.

i want to engage in my gifts and callings regularly, but i cannot seem to motivate. plus they still bring sadness. Don bought my camera as a Christmas surprise because i love[d] photography, and he loved my photography,  i’m good … well i’m good when my subject is in natural light and stays where i {or God} put them … like flowers and the sky.

and this, my writing. he loved my writing and encouraged me. always and in all things.

so when I do these things [there are still pictures in my camera from a trip i took to Montana last july], i get sad, and a sense of tired discouragement comes over me, and i tend to stop.

honestly, these are supposed to be cathartic activities, they should soothe and help with the healing. but that’s just it …

one does not heal from the loss of chunks of the heart.

think about this [this thought makes my just ache with fatigue] … think about never seeing them again, never hearing their voices or feeling their touch. think about not being able to talk with someone you spoke with every day for thirty years [29 for my boy, but hey], or laughing with them … {i miss the sound of Don’s laughter the most. we laughed everyday for over thirty years.} think about having to jolt yourself to a stop because you step into a room and say their name to tell them something and in that next second of silence remember they are never coming home.

those thoughts would make anyone tired.

so the honest answer to “how are you?”?  i’m tired and i’m not okay … today.

fortunately, i can finally say … ‘today’ at the end of that sentence, sometimes … today. but there are still those “not today” days.

please do me a favor … if someone you know has lost a loved one; a husband, a child…[the absolutely most painful of all deaths, hands down], a parent, even a pet …

don’t ask them how they are. ask them to coffee or lunch even. ask if there’s something you do for them today.

or even better, just say hi! it’s nice to see you.

trust me it will make them feel alive and present. they will remember you were kind, and a true friend when their life was in utter tatters. just saying hi, will make them feel rested because someone had treated them normally and they didn’t have to remember to lie or try to stop the burst of tears, because they just can’t stop the tears when they think about “how” they are.

thanks for reading these musings of a tired widowed mother of the … son who died.

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I.Pray. | A Wife’s Testimony


Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

when we don’t feel safe where do we go?

The shadow of the almighty

Go …

This is the testimony of the wife and mother of two who are seriously afflicted with life threatening illnesses. Honestly I am writing this in preparation of the teaching/testimony I have to give tomorrow morning at my church’s Women’s Fellowship Breakfast. And it’s not been the greatest of months for me.

I don’t think people, even those closest, notice that things are as bad as they are or can be, some days. They see me weathering the storm at church or bible studies or family gatherings and they either express that I am so strong or they just ask how my husband is. And for some, I can see that they hope my answer is quick and doesn’t require much from them. That sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I am well aware that they don’t know what to say or do and frankly there is nothing they can say or do. They just don’t know that that is okay.

And some days I notice that I need to talk, and some days that means me talking to God. Because, he’s the only one who can do anything about all of this …

STOP … This post took way more than 5 minutes and edits. After all it’s the draft of a testimony presentation on a really hard subject.

My testimony.

I am the wife of a wonderful man, who is battling cancer and the mother of a hurting man, who is battling heroin addiction; and I do this simultaneously and not always well.

I am simply doing the next right thing on a moment to moment basis, sometimes. Definitely the last month.

My husband has been through 2 different, months long, rounds of chemo. Taking up what is slowly becoming 2 years.

The first round to eradicate a mass that had infiltrated and completely blocked his left lung; which was found to have rendered the lung nonfunctional. He didn’t even feel it not working until he caught an upper respiratory illness, which started this season in our lives. From September 2013 to February 2014 he had chemo and radiation every two weeks. The mass decreased with each CAT scan and he came to the end of this round with full use of the lung! Success! Right?

Not according to the doctors. Because a VERY little piece of the cancer had “escaped” to the liver. With this the treatments were rendered a failure.

REALLY?! But … he has full use of the lung! Really. According to their protocol.

NOT our GOD though!

So in June, after a biopsy,  he went back into chemo; radiation was not an option for the liver. So from March to September 2014 my husband endured some very hard chemo treatments.

All the time he only got ill twice with nausea and once with something he caught. He lost his hair twice and suffered most from fatigue and feelings of weakness; oh and frustration driven moodiness!

He came out of the last round of chemo and the CAT scan showed that the “original” spot(s) were smaller, but that other lesions had developed.

Another fail, according to the doctors and the protocols.

And all the while this man of mine was vibrantly himself except for a few naps here and there.

So now he’s [we are] setting up for a clinical trial.

And with all this our youngest son is having a daily battle with heroin and he fell.

So that’s the story … what’s my testimony? I still don’t know how to put that into words.

I’m having trouble telling my story because I don’t feel as if I’m doing anything extraordinary. I’m just flexing with the new needs of my wife-hood and motherhood. Like I said, I try to do the next right thing and sometimes I fail miserably.

I started out with the boy being an addict. Something we’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years. At first it was just drug use, then it turned into what it is today; full on addiction to one of the worst drugs on the street. I learned to deal in the “tough love” arena. Tough love, I think, is harder on the parent, because it feels not only as if you are doing nothing, it feels as if you are abandoning your child. The good thing is that the boy is clean and doing well, so the love isn’t so tough when cancer entered and life got a different kind of  hard.

So I’m doing this thing by rote and …

The doctors say cancer and they are acting as if they are delivering a death sentence. Cold and clinical … cancer, here’s a referral.

Head spinning, heart breaking and tears like a waterfall gushing out of control … I start this new season. I pray. I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and pray while I lean over to see if my husband is breathing.

Before the diagnosis his breathing was a given. I didn’t think about it, like I don’t think about my own. Now all of a sudden I have death in my head! And I hear (now) …

Be careful what you hear …

This doesn’t feel like faith to me, so I pray more.

I.AM.A.MESS.

But then things take on a routine … The Hubs is doing fine, he’s feeling okay and we get into this new groove. But the groove doesn’t feel right. It feels like acceptance of something that is not of God. And I hear …

What you tolerate you accept. And I pray.

So I pray and The Hubs and I talk about it. We talk about a lot of things. Somewhere we begin to discuss the fact that he is going to refuse anymore chemo.

I.AM.A.MESS. … Again.

DO NOTHING?! What!? Can we really do nothing?! Is nothing what we should have done all along??

A.MESS.

I just need this all to stop and then the boy falls down. He’s using.

I.PRAY.

So what’s the testimony? Hey, I still don’t know if this is even a testimony! Maybe it’s a lesson on the reality of what a wife/mother does during a health struggle of a loved one.

I.Pray.

That’s what I do. I go to every appointment, I drive the boy to every court date and P.O. meeting. And I pray.

I go to God at the end of everyday. Because I don’t always hold it together well some days. In fact my comfortable day to day no longer exists.

I get depressed. I get angry (not at God); angry at doctors, protocols, cancer and heroin. I yell and I cry and sometimes I reject the encouragement of others trying to help me, when they don’t know what else to do.

I am often A.MESS. And you know what?

That is not a lack of faith. It is not a crisis of faith. It is not anger at God.

It is reality. And it is normal and it is okay! Even God accepts it, after all He knew what He was asking me to do when He created me. And He knew how I would handle it.

So … I pray.

What do I pray? Well if you read this blog regularly you know I am really into praying God’s Word. Can’t go wrong praying God’s promises or what He says about things. Yes. It’s the easy way. It may even be cheating … but hey, God gave me the answers so …

I.Pray. the answers.

I’m going to post a list of scriptures I use to keep me from trying to make deals with and/or manipulate God and His will. Because if there are a few things that I REALLY believe it’s …

God’s got this.

God has a plan.

And WE WERE healed.

These are scriptures that I, and our friends, regularly pray over my husband and son. These scriptures can be used by anyone for anything, obviously! 1 John 4:4; Isaiah 53:5; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 118:14; Psalm 103:2; Jeremiah 30:17; Nahum 1:9 and Luke 5:17.

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O’ Lord this man.
We declare and decree the Word of God.
“Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world.”
“By His stripes you are healed.”
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper.”
“You shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord.”
“Don’t forget the benefits of God. He heals all our diseases.”
“The Lord will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.”
“Affliction will not rise up a second time.”
“The power of the Lord is present to heal you.”

The Power of the Lord is present to heal you! Isn’t that wonderful?

I also rely heavily upon Psalm 91, because it contains EVERY promise God made to us! EVERY.ONE. It reassures my heart and clears my mind.

1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” 3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a] And from the perilous pestilence. 4 He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. 5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, 6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, And ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you. 8 Only with your eyes shall you look, And see the reward of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place, 10 No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; 11 For He shall give His angels charge over you, To keep you in all your ways. 12 In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone. 13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. 14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation.”

1 He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”
3 Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
4 He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
5 You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
6 Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
8 Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
10 No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
11 For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
12 In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
13 You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
14 “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

That’s my testimony! That I know, no matter what has taken place on any day, at any appointment, that the Power of the Lord is present to heal! That’s how I do this … that no matter my level of fear or anger …I.KNOW.GOD. and I.Pray.Thanks for reading. God bless.

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I Tell YOU the Truth |Tues. @ 10


Happy Tuesday … Where we, a growing group of creatives get a prompt word meant to spark creativity in the heart of the writer, or the photographer, or artist, in them. Just about a week is given for the creator to create from this word and all that is asked is that you share and check out what your neighbor in the link up list did with the prompt. You’ll be surprised at how often we are all led on the same path!

Tuesday @ Ten

Tuesday @ Ten

 

Today’s Tuesday Prompt is …. Truth.

“I tell you the truth …”

Jesus is quoted as saying that phrase 78 times in the New Testament! 78 … that’s a lot of truth, but that is part of why he came to earth as a man. To testify to the Truth of God. More interesting: 30 of those truths were recorded just in the book of Matthew.

To tell you the truth, we need healing in our house. A lot of healing. And today I am having a very hard time with the information we got from the doctors at The Hubs’ last two visits. In  my head, and usually in my heart, I know and cannot be moved away from the knowledge that we WERE healed by Jesus’ sacrifice, for US, on the cross. This is knowledge in our home.

It is Truth in our home.

Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! Mark 9:24 (my prayer, taken from the same story but in the book of Mark.)

Matthew 17:14-23

The Healing of a Boy with a demon: also — Mk 9:14-28; Lk 9:37-42

14 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15 “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.” 17 “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” 18 Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. 19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” 20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 22 When they came together in Galilee, he said to them, “The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. 23 They will kill him, and on the third day he will be raised to life.” And the disciples were filled with grief.
*****
 This causes me concern about my faith. And if I’m having a crisis of faith right now, it’s not my faith in God’s promise of healing! It’s about my level of faith being hammered at almost daily for over a year. I thank God that it is His faith that works in and through me and not a faith that I must maintain on my own!
I said to my husband last night, in heartbroken, absolute truth, that it is so hard to hear these things and look at him vibrantly himself. It rocks me that he can be virtually well yet this thing can be inside of him trying to kill him! I told him that I wouldn’t be having such a hard time with his decision to NOT do anything about what they were telling us (he’s decided to refuse anymore chemo; but is willing to consider clinical trials for experimental drugs.) if he were ill and suffering. Somehow it would be easier to just quietly sit back in my sorrow about his refusal.
But, like he says, the chemo doesn’t seem to be doing anything (reminder to self: chemo is poison, not medicine!) can doing nothing really be worse?
And my wife/mother screams in my head … WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! Yet, the truthful questions is: Do we? or Does God?
The amazing truth is he looks great! He feels and functions almost at his norm, except for some fatigue.
It’s amazing, as much as the schedule and the chemo stressed him and fatigued him, I’ll say it again, he did not experience what we all hear about and see on TV, or what others seem to have experienced with their loved ones.
No days of pain and suffering. No horrible, wasting illness. No vomiting and not being able to eat. None of that.
And it is for those very “NOs” that we remain faithful to God’s assurances of The Hubs’ healing.
And then the doctors tell us “their” truth. So when we were told what we were told yesterday their truth rocked my truth. So to decided to do nothing is beyond my scope right now.
The truth is, though, that it is ultimately my husband’s, and God’s, decision. Though I did honestly tell him that while I support his decision he needs to keep in mind that he [they] is making life altering decisions for both our lives.
Truthfully. I believe God. The Hubs looks and feels great, though right now, today, he is angry and frustrated that all this year’s work and treatments seem to have been for naught. We believe, we know, that God has healed him. That God is bigger than the doctors reports and tests and protocols.
Yet today’s Truth is that I am spent. I posted for all our loved ones and friends in the faith and prayer that we were home and were moving forward for the possibility of the clinical trial, and most took that as the good news that it is. But like the chemo (which isn’t curative or even really a medicine) the trial medications are unproved and may be non-curative either. It’s a clinical trial. The doctors and manufacturers have high hopes and so do we.
The truth is …. I am ready for the manifestation of healing in Hutchland. I am ready to stop feeling like I have to be waiting for the next report.
I am ready for the doctors and the world to understand the Truth, that …
Only God heals. Jesus is the only cure.
Like The Hubs says and stands by: The doctors are not curing him, God is. The doctors cannot heal him, only God can.
So today I will continue to recite that … Only God. Only Jesus. He is our cure. He is our doctor. He is our healer.
Hiding-Psalm-27-in-My-Heart_DoNotDepart I’m going to add here today’s attempt at my memorization of Psalm 27: 1 & 2 … here goes!
1. The Lord is my light and my strength; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
2.When the wicked came against me The to eat up my flesh, My enemies all fell  and foes, they stumbled and fell.
Not too bad for the second day of adding verse two!
I thought that Psalm 27 fit this post, truthfully. These two verses are a big part of what I am and will be focusing on in regard to our current circumstances here in Hutchland.
I refuse to allow the enemy to kill my two men (the second being my youngest. I wrote a post on Sunday about my son’s struggle here.)
Quite frankly it’s been a very trying couple of weeks for this wife and mother.
Thanks for reading. Blessings to you, all.
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The Patience of Waiting on God … A Healing Thing | tuesdays @ ten


Waiting ... Patience ... Perseverance

Waiting … Patience … Perseverance

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Winston Churchill

And there it is … the truth! True patience and perseverance.

Romans 5:3-8

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

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Strong Enough

So shouldn’t we be patient and wait on God?

Patience is the ability to accept and wait or suffer on something or someone without becoming angry or upset!

Be still and know that I am God … Psalm 46:10-11

10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

11 Jehovah of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Selah means to sit quietly and meditate on this … in other words have patience and wait on the Lord to reveal the meaning to you. Not your understanding, but the meaning of what God is saying to you, individually, right now, about your circumstance.

Waiting on healing that the Word says is already complete is a conundrum to say the very least. To understand the promise and to manifest that promise are two very different things! And it can be frustrating.

Yet, Patience says we must suffer that wait without that frustration. Even though that frustration can only delay, not stop, that manifestation.

So how do I have patience enough to endure the process. How does one accomplish this ethereal task within themselves?

” … suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God has been poured out into our hearts …

I believe this is about us and our response to God in the hard situations. Circumstances like cancer and heart failure and addiction.

Because at “just the right time” when we are truly powerless and surrendering all to God … God then demonstrates Himself: LOVE, for us, to us and through us. Even as we are still sinners.

Like I said this morning in a scripture status on our favorite Social Media vehicle:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. – Ephesians 4:22-24
* Note: WE were TAUGHT … it’s a walk, a process. WE MUST read and learn and fellowship and CHANGE the attitudes of our minds. As wonderful as it all is the Love and Grace of God … we are human in a fallen world and we must LEARN and be GUIDED to this place of TRUE righteousness and Holiness in God.

It’s all a process, in patience and perseverance, to Righteousness and Holiness … to getting what we KNOW down in our Spirits for true Understanding.

I simply need to remember that my Manifest Healing was completed the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and that I must wait patiently on my human-ness to catch up with my acceptance.

True Serenity.

We call that “Speaking those things that are not (in the natural/the flesh/what is tangible to us here on earth) as though they are. Speaking FAITH; because what we KNOW is promised must be KNOWN in the heart …

That short 18 inch trip from the head to the heart.

And that takes Patience and Perseverance … so I fight the frustrations and do what I know I should do and wait, patiently on God.

Trust me I know this is hard, a LOT. We all live it. We all struggle to be patient in this instant gratification world of ours … but what is it you need to hand to God and be patient and trusting for Him to complete today? Know you are not alone in this virtuous struggle with Spirit and Flesh.

For me, today, I’m handing God the obesity and asking that He conquer it … even as I set out to start Nutrisystem so that I can get my dietary lifestyle under control.

It’s letting God work in me, while I do what I know to do … leaning on Him and not my understanding (or anyone else’s understanding) of what NEEDS to be done to conquer this underlying and deadly dis-ease within me.

Thanks for forgiving the length (this went just a bit over 5 minutes, didn’t it!) and for reading, my faithful friends.

Andrea

Andrea

 

 

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Tuesday @ Ten

Tuesday @ Ten

31 Days Journey to Healing

31 Days Journey to Healing

31 Days!

31 Days!

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31 days of Five Minute Free Writes

31 days of Five Minute Free Writes


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Looking Forward to Spring … Venting vs. Complaining


Looking Forward to Spring

Looking Forward to Spring

The rough in our lives is abrasive these days and I feel like this blog has gone from being positive to a place where I complain in the guise of venting.

What do you think?

Seriously, let me know in the comment if you feel as though I complain too much here.

After all this is supposed to be about Living Positively On Purpose!

“Do all things without grumbling or questioning,”~ Philippians 2:14

That being said and asked what is the difference between venting and complaining.

Complaining and venting look very similar, however they are vastly different.

Venting is blowing off steam. The goal of the vent is to get rid of the negative feelings about a situation and can be done alone. Venting does not require an audience; many vent through prayer, music outlet and, or  physical activity, etc.

A good vent helps the person refocus on positives in their lives and keeps the mind focused on a solution. The result of a good vent is that the person feels mentally, spiritually and emotionally better.

Complaining, on the other hand, is a destructive pattern that requires a captive audience to dump on. Complaining has no clear goal for release and the person doesn’t feel better when they are done.

I am finding with this post that I am venting. Whewww! I was really concerned, because my goal is to find peace in this life, we have here in Hutchland, no matter what the circumstance. And I must admit, that at least within myself, I have felt some definite strife. Again, it’s a matter of controlling my natural desire for things to be about “me, me, me”, for once and calming that strife with the Word of God and good counsel.

My friend of good counsel does not allow complaining or self involvement. She does recognize that I need support, often, but does not allow the “woe is me” syndrome to take hold. And for that I am grateful.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” ~ Ephesians 4:29

So I vent … here and to my friend, and afterwards I can honestly say I feel better. I have worked with God and friends he has blessed me with, to get me to this place of venting and not murmuring and complaining about this life He blessed me with.

“Take good counsel and accept correction—that’s the way to live wisely and well.We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,but God’s purpose prevails.” ~ Proverbs 19:20-21

As the snow falls, yet again, here at the Jersey Shore, I am diligently seeking peace and quiet in my today. There are many who need my help today, I’ve already counseled 2 and while I feel a bit frustrated and put upon (because they are NOT venting!), I know that I have the tools and outlets to keep things in perspective.

How do you vent?

Do you feel better when you are done?

I encourage you today to examine whether you are complaining or venting. My go to solution for the circumstances here in Hutchland is prayer, worship and the Word, I find that these things bring both peace and solution to even the smallest of problems in my day.

God Bless.

 


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Family, Relationships and Forgiveness


I started this post mid-morning, it’s now just about 5 pm est. and my day has taken this post in a completely different direction … on the same topic.

I sat on the couch this morning contemplating my responsibilities of the day, I found myself simply unmotivated. I feel as though I’ve been running on empty and I’ve become quite numb. Our life here in Hutchland has become a non-stop, runrunrun, busybusybusy blur, lately.

Family responsibilities replaced the runrunrun and busybusybusy of chemoradiation therapy’s schedule. So relaxation and quality time have not been freed up as yet, and quite frankly I am wearing thin and so is Hubs.

Boundaries were set many years ago, and they have begun to feel violated. The thing is we we’re the violators, our families are only responding to our increased involvement, and in their view things are normal.

You see, they are of the world, we are not. You know the scripture, right?

Romans:12 And so, dear brothers, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living sacrifice, holy—the kind he can accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think. Then you will learn from your own experience how his ways will really satisfy you.As God’s messenger I give each of you God’s warning: Be honest in your estimate of yourselves, measuring your value by how much faith God has given you.

Forgiveness:

We’ve forgiven the transgressions of the past and we forgive the future. They don’t understand, they don’t understand us, really, and that’s ok; we’re here to show them who we are and by example the way we live.

I sat last night (really, from early afternoon to the night) on alternating phone calls from my mother, grandmother and sister. A family situation has upset my mother to action that has caused her illness to flare up. She has subsequently become angry with my aunt, cousins and sister (for a completely different reason, that was a bi-product of the original issue). Now my mother is relying upon me, 3,000 miles away, to be her support. And my sister, who lives in the same state as our mother; she just can’t possibly see past her own life to include the needs of her mentally challenged mother into her life, beyond her days off. It’s a rough situation that they are going to have to figure out, with a touch of encouragement from me, because I won’t allow this boundary to be violated. You see I was the one who lost her childhood to care for my ill mother and siblings for close to 40 years. It is only in the last year that my sister has been charged with helping our mother after our step-dad’s passing.

Guilt:

I often feel guilt for the way I feel inside my head, and sometime my heart, towards the needs and demands of the extended family. I guess there are still resentments because thoughts pop into my thinking; unsavory thoughts that make me uncomfortable and convicted. Guess it’s Holy Spirit reminding me again that thoughts of resentment toward them are unacceptable in the forgiveness realm. Yet my flesh rises, wondering why I must be the one; my flesh doesn’t want to be the caretaker, anymore.

Frankly my flesh, and sometimes my heart (emotions), long, desperately to be important enough to my extended family that they would step up and care for me. I mean, my husband is going through cancer treatments (and winning, thank God!), my youngest is battling (and winning, thank God) addiction and my oldest is simply struggling to get his life and career in order. Life has not been easy on us of late, but then life is hardly easy on anyone, right … yet, still my flesh rises.

But …

God made me the caretaker of the family. It has taken A LOT of forgiveness on my part to be able to handle the issues without a need for control, and thank God, because without him and a good friend/sponsor I would not be capable of this, at all.

I remind myself, regularly, that they don’t get it. They simply don’t understand my close relationship with God. So I continue to gently encourage them toward an understanding; forgiving the thoughtlessness, the accusations and the unforgiveness on their end.

If I don’t continue to live within the bubble of my (our) relationship with God I can’t do this with them. Did I already say that? Yes, it is my mantra … without God I can’t _____________ fill in the blank.

So when it comes to my family relationships, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed by their needs, I enter into God and remember this is how he built me. Whether I’m good with that or not, at the time.

So the weekend looms with much to do, and many to care for, and I thank God again that he built me for this, sometimes thankless, job. And I forgive the transgressions of others and stand behind my boundaries, should they choose to transgress.

It’s about staying in God’s will. It’s about obedience to what He has called me to do. And like forgiveness, my call is not about what the family needs, or does, or making them happy. It’s about me being who God intended me to be.

At the end of my day I want to please God. Everyone else … not so much.

Blessings and thanks for reading to my erratic posts.


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An Opportunity to Rest in the LORD … 365 Days of Wielding the Sword of the Spirit …


How was your day, Loves?

What opportunities came your way … What challenges confronted your peace of mind? That’s about what life is, right, in a nut shell.

Opportunities … Challenges … and Choices.

I was challenged today … by the chance to walk in frustration and fear. Then I remembered I had a choice!

That’s right … A CHOICE!       

It may be the first time that I REALIZED that I had a choice in the face of a wall of challenge! And I took the opportunity!

The opportunity, you ask? YES … the opportunity!

I took the opportunity to REST in the LORD during a time of great stress! And… I actually rested! 🙂

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 46:1-3

No anxiety attacks today … not even when sitting, again, in the ER with my grandma, who is home and resting comfortably now! 🙂

HOW’S THAT FOR NOT FEARING! HOW’S THAT FOR PLEASING THE FATHER!

 Life is what it is … a gift that sometimes feels as if it’s wrappings are wrinkled and torn. But no matter how life behaves today or tomorrow, we have a choice.

The choice to meet the challenge with an attitude of faith, trusting that our Maker, our Father, is doing in the day all that needs doing to make sure we press that much deeper into Him, and more.

What’s the more, you may ask?

Well this morning, and when I think about it yesterday morning too, I awoke with this song soothing my mind as it danced in my head …

http://youtu.be/fS3uzkoF_0c

How great is God???

REMEMBER … DO NOT FEAR … FOCUS: GOD!

Blessings Loves!


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While Thursday Remains …


Flawed

 

Welcome to what is left of Thursday. On Thursdays I try to be brief in my writing. I try to express myself in as little words as possible. I try to give encouragement in short strokes, so that you may find your way in your own way, maybe with just a little wisdom gleaned from my experiences.

Welcome to Few Words Thursday with HOPEannFAITH and FRIENDS … join us using the linky below. Blessings to You!

I haven’t written anything in about three weeks. I’ve been walking in the shadows all this time. Angst and discomfort just under my skin. Wondering who I might be, why I couldn’t feel. A friend pointed out that I could feel … that maybe the right description was “feeling empty” … that “felt” right.

So I wandered and wondered. How could I be pleasing to God when I felt this way? I was/am empty, sad, unhappy …

And then this evening I read this: Destitute at A Restless Heart.

I could not have expressed myself with such grace and clarity. Oh how I long to write like those ladies I follow! The flow makes their writing feel effortless … I picture lace curtains in a cool autumn breeze with a steaming cup of coffee at the ready, as they sit in linen and lace, with wispy curls at their temples, while delicate fingers tap away at a keyboard writing what I feel, yet cannot express so beautifully!

Ahhh … but I write, still.

The line in Destitute that is winding around in my spirit … hopefully to grow under a blanket of prayer like bread dough rises under a linen dishcloth, into a real blog post is this:

“…but religion is a product of man trying to do the right thing.” ~ Kelly Sauer

Kelly describes this place … what I call empty … as Destitute. And I agree with her … I believe God allows me to feel this emptiness …

We are vessels … and this vessel is cracked … all the “good” I try to achieve simply flows through the tiny cracks, draining my resolve, my energy … my very essence, leaving me to feel that it is futile. That this desire to ALWAYS reflect Him is beyond the Me of all of this …

Kelly has tapped a deep emotion in me … one that wants me to write until this post is unreadable. So rather than brutalize my faithful here I will leave this a true few words …. and ponder where Kelly’s soul is leading mine!

Thank you, Kelly … from the deepest parts of Andrea, thank you for your courage!

Blessings Loves.

This has been a Few Words Thursday Post!




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The Grace provided in Serenity ♥


few words thursday …Good Morning my friends.

Today I will attempt to describe where I am in regards to Serenity … if you’ve been here on Thursdays before you know the route … if not, WELCOME and feel free to join me … simply click through my surf photo for the (non) rules!

In an earlier post(s) on one or the other of my blogs I have wondered, stressed over or delved into SERENITY. In a recent post I defined it.

Quietude … a condition of the mind, a peacefulness with the status of one’s being right where they are …

There are slogans a many that some will recognize and identify, while others will recognize without knowing the origin of the phrase. Like a comfortable form of de ja vu they will know that they know where to slogan came from, but it will escape them for the moment…

Time takes time…

Pain before Serenity…

Be where you is…

First things first…

We have a choice…

God could and would if He were sought…Sobriety then Serenity…It’s a selfish program…

These are the ones that struck me between the eyes this morning.

I woke up to God re-wording Reinhold’s prayer for me:

God…Has granted me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change…He has granted me the courage to change the things that I can … and He has granted me the WISDOM to know the difference.

[God could and would if He were sought…] Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

[Sobriety then Serenity…] For me it is the Sobriety of Mind … I must work each day [time takes time…] toward sober thinking. Then and only then am I granted, GRACED with COURAGE and WISDOM.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

… a sound mind, self-discipline, good judgement…sobriety of mind!

I just found this!!! It has me a bit excited and now I must find this particular bible …Douay-Rheims Bible

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of sobriety. 2tim1:7

[It’s a selfish program…] For me this one is important because of the world’s view. While the world, society, is into entitlement and hedionism to the enth degree … if a thing is about IMPROVEMENT it is considered “selfish”.

I am entitled to live and indulge as I please as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Right? I am justified in my vengence and revenge if I have been wronged. Right? … society sees these as inaliable rights! When these are rooted in selfishness and self centeredness. The world view tells this society that these are entitlements, rights, yet somehow they are NOT selfish.

Yet, let me improve myself. Let me seperate myself out to recover from the confusion and choas of [my] life. Let positive change and boundaries take hold; changing who I am, and I instantly become …

SELFISH and SELF INVOLVED and SELF CENTERED

When I call out to God in my trial He will only focus on what it is in me that needs fixing!

The disturbance in me … is me!

When I call out to God, begging Serenity … begging Peace … He requires that I fix something in me.

SO… YES … IT IS a self program.

LIFE is a selfish program … Spirituality is a selfish program …

For my life to be about Christ [because it isn’t about me … it IS about Jesus] I must focus on recovering, repairing, fixing the disturbances in ME.

Reinholds prayer is beautiful and cathartic. Yet, when one [I] comes to a place of truly knowing God one must see that the wording is wrong.

When I woke this morning I realized as this prayer whispered it’s request in my soul, my Spirit [My Holy Spirit] rose in me and whispered sweetly …

” Child, I HAVE granted you these things, by the GRACE of MY ONLY SON. Now… take hold of them. Grasp them and embrace them, they are my gift each day.” ~ GOD

How do you seek serenity? What would give you peace today love?

May you know Peace today … the Person Peace … may He walk with you on this path!

God could and would if He were sought…May you find Him now. 🙂

Blessings Loves

 

 


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Doing What I Know to Do …


welcome to few words thursday …click the picture to go to the [not so strict] purpose and rules of the ‘fwth’ prompt… 🙂

today i was intrigued by this Self Reliance prompt.

Honestly I was intrigued more by the Emerson quote:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.”

I don’t know how to do that. Correction … I am learning how to accomplish this.

 

Worthwhile Day by Jessica Dang

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you
could.”

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s
stopping you from getting started right now?

(Author: Jessica Dang)

——————————————————————————————

what is the #1 thing i can do to make today worthwhile?

This was a very sharp, double-edged question today … Easy and terribly difficult, at the same time, particularly today.

The #1 thing I do that makes any day worthwhile is to respond to my Calling … to respond to my day to day … by  writing my LIFE and my HEART in a ministering manner.

That makes my day worth while, in the only true way I know … following the Holy Spirit with my pen {keyboard}, to the heart and spirit of a like-minded person who needs to know what God says about things …

THINGS: meaning our day to day life, as we see in Psalm 138:8

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

Other translations say “the Lord perfects that which concerns me…”

Do you know the purpose God has on your life? Do you know your calling?

FYI: Only you and God know what you’ve been called to do, and no one can take that from you …

That is, except [me] YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

the second half of this prompt is:  “what is stopping you from getting started right now?”

Again … that would be me.

Somewhere in the bible it says that satan steals my blessings … and my #1 blessing in this life is God’s Word.

He gave us His Word so that we might exhibit such in our day to day lives and interactions… so that we might SHARE His Word by the telling and example of it in our lives.

Most times we do this through our individual CALLING.

Then the Word says…

2 Timothy 3:16  (MSG)

14-17But don’t let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother’s milk! There’s nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.

Today I am doing my best not to be fazed … and to write. So nothing is preventing me from getting started doing what it is that makes this and all days worthy while.

I am writing. I am sharing the Word, and my heart ,in the hope that it reaches like-minded souls and assists them, as the Holy Spirit and my trusted counsel assist me.

It is what I do … and while I may be hesitant this day, due to God’s correction [see the scripture verse in bold]… God has provided me everything I need to complete this task He has given me.

What stops you from using you calling? How do you overcome the mental or emotional block that stops you from doing what would make your day worth while?

~~~~~~~~~

I read a something this morning that really spoke to me on this subject, even before I read todays prompt.

Lysa TerKeurst’s blog today dealt with a very similar subject … in her blog she wrote something like this …

My choice is whether or not to give away the power to control my emotions.

When I react, rather than respond, I give away the power to control [my] self, because of the emotion of the situation.

~ when I react to something, I respond and communicate through my emotions, and I have been taught not to respond while I am in an emotional state….there is a popular slogan that speaks to this emotion thing quite well and  some will recognize it quite well:

don’t think … don’t drink … go to a meeting

In instances like these it is the don’t think that is vital. Drinking is not a concern any longer and I go to meetings frequently to maintain sober mindedness and sober behavior.

When I react I give someone or something else power over me.

Void of Power = Void of [self] Control.

Therein, my friends lies both my problem and my solution.

So today I thank God for the work He is doing in me. It always amazes me that He, our Omnipotent Creator, takes the time to …

Perfect what concerns me … even the writing down of my thoughts.

Simply Amazing Faithfulness!

Blessings Loves ♥