I just let go …
Surrendered again this morning …
I feel raw – fully awake and enduring the pain. I’m a mess. I don’t care about anything right now – just going through the motions of life – work and all the trappings of this life – simply so no one actually sees the brokenness.
Nothing else to lose is how I feel. But even now I realize I thought that 6 months ago as I was rounding 18 months without my husband and my boy went home to the Lord by his own hand …
I surrender now. Each.Day.Anew.
Today seems to be killing me … 2 days to 2 years living this life without my marriage. 2 years without hearing his voice, seeing his eyes laugh at me. I can hardly believe … 2 years!
So I went to YouTube to my praise and worship playlist and did my office work for the day.
I find myself singing the words through the tears … those tears I know God collects for me.
You see it’s easy to sing and praise the Lord when life is all sun shine and rainbows.
Not so much those gloomy and dark days when the sun doesn’t break through the mist of rain drops and wind.
When life is just proving to me that there will always be days that the memories or the aloneness will bring my heart to a stop. When I realize I’m not breathing, let alone moving. Stuck.
It’s been a hard week. I swear my body knows how close the pain is before I begin to feel it’s aching on the edges of my soul. It gets harder as the day gets closer …
Grief knows the date …
Grief stretches into years. We don’t move on … we don’t let go … we simply move forward and learn to live with the pain.
God I need you now … trusting you on this path I didn’t plan.
I thank God that I am in a place in my faith that I can wake each morning and praise Him through the deep ache of loss. That I can sing through the tears, worshiping His faithfulness.
It is well with my soul.