HOPE*ann*FAITH

Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.


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I believe … [day 3]


It’s October again and time for 31 days of writing. This year I’m only linking up with my FMF sisters. Trying once again to get back to my first creative love, writing. Pen and paper, computer screen, lunch bag and envelopes! Writing is my calling, I believe 😉

Today’s Prompt:

Believe.

Go …

What do I believe? The question is really ,’who do I believe?’.

John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me.

Jesus. Father God. The Holy Spirit.

These I believe The Word of God.

I also belive that most people believe “in” God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; as if they are imaginary. I can’t remember when the ‘I believe’ became revelation to me, but knowing that I know that they are real, that the Word is alive became a revelation, but I did have that AHA moment and it was early on in my walk.

Then life got really hard and my mind tried to close up operations making those thing real questionable. Trauma does this. It began when my Don …

STOP!

It began when my Don went home to be with the LORD. I woke up 3 days later at 5 in the morning (I’ll never forget) after he left and spoke outloud to the Father. Like Abraham I reminded Him (Abraham often reminded God) that since my husband was now with Him that He was my husband, my source…my comfort (though the comfort, while there, is often even now, overwhelmed by the losses I’ve endured). It was a spontaneous conversation with God and after putting out my demands I came to realize that I could still feel Don’s love. I still felt loved. I just had to adjust to my ‘new normal’; goodness widows hate that term. Seriously all widows feel the same about that phrase.

So today I believe … I continue to simply believe as I’ve been instructed to believe –

IN FAITH I believe. Without this knowledge I would have lost the battle to retain my mind after losing Don and Shane. Sometime the battle tries to overwhelm me so I cling to THEM for dear life. THEY save me daily.

Each.And.Every.Day.

John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know[b] my Father as well.  From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

About a year ago … the mark of having lost my son for one year , I heard this song. It truly says what I believe.

I believe He is.

Thanks so much for stopping by and coming with me on this journey of mine. God bless.

Love A signature


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I’m sorry. I’m afraid, I can’t. [day 2].


God tells us 365 times in the Bible not to be afraid. One for each day. You would think we would be able to get this one down pat.

Go...

I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’m not there yet.

In a matter of 19 months and then in the blink of an eye my life was irrevocably changed. So how do I begin again. It’s easy, though still very painful, to look back now and see how I got here. Yet, I’m afraid I don’t know what tomorrow brings. It’s hard.

I’ve gotten to the true grieving part. The part where most of my pain is private, inward, isolated. There are several reasons I say this.

  1. Grieving, unlike her outward sister Mourning, is a heart and spirit thing. It’s done almost entirely by oneself. But God. Thank goodness for God!
  2. I grieve privately because after 3 1/2 years people wonder why I’m still grieving, and there’s noway to tell them the truth. It doesn’t end. It simply becomes apart of you.
  3. I isolate. And I believe that most widows and mothers of the deceased child isolate, even if that was not apart of who they were before the sorrows.

Stop.

During this transition, which will end with me being okay. Though many things in this new life, that I didn’t anticipate, cause me great fear (anxiety) I run to Father God and find one of His encouragements to not fear, as I work towards courageous.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9b

Well, I found that that five minutes lasted quite a bit. Funny how time is so much more when you live in faith. Thanks for stopping by … I hope this helps someone. If I can just help one to feel not alone I’ll be happy.

 

 


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A complete mess of a life.


IMG_2619You know, I say I’m a writer, a photographer … and I used to say Wife and Mother…but that is basically no more. I’ve spent more than 3 years trying to figure out who I am without Don and Shane. I guess the changes in me are within me. Like the truth of how I am is hidden, so is the who I am. That seems hidden even from me.
I’m going through hard stuff, by myself. The physical stuff I should be doing overwhelms me. I honestly think about a task, know that it would be easy to do yet I don’t get to it. I should be writing, (I know, I’m writing at the moment.). I should be taking pictures. I should empty that bookcase and clear out the vast Pan cabinet I’ve been meaning to get to…Nothing is complete(d).
Everything in my life is (in)complete…can I just say that as Don’s widow and the mother of the deceased boy, Shane.
People say and actually get a bit miffed when I say I have to do everything alone. But the work I need done is INSIDE. It’s all apart of me, the bookcase, the pan cabinet, the “living” room which should be called the existing room.
If I clean out that bookcase, I clean out a part of who I was without a clear view of who I am without the contents of that bookcase.
So I lost 2 beating hearts that my heart beat with and now I must lose the rest, I guess. Box up the life I ahd with them, clear the clutter of a happy life that is now just a memory and that clutter, oh that clutter is attached to that memory, that moment before those two beating hearts stopped.
In a week my son will be in heaven for two years. This passage of another year without a part of me, it’s tearing at my insides and no one sees. They don’t see because I don’t let them because I see the faces and down cast eyes and I hear the sighs and I realize they don’t know what to do and I make them uncomfortable. It’s true. They’ll lie and say it isn’t so, but it is.
So yeah, I’m a complete mess. They say how a persons living area looks is a picture of a persons emotional circumstances.
A complete mess.

Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate all of you.


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Let it rain…


cropped-tears

Ecclesiates 3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

THE FMF PROMPT: RAIN…GO.

Here on the East Coast of the U.S., It’s been swelteringly hot and humid.  To swelter is to be uncomfortably hot, a nice way of saying it’s been hot and heavy as h……. 😳

The heaviness of the air truly wants to let the moisture go and we sure prayed for any relief at all. Just a breeze or a quick sun shower, though the sun was hidden behind the gloomy haze.

The heaviness in the air reminded me of my emotions. Three years and I’ve learned to gather all those tears inside of me. All the emotions stored and threatening to burst at any moment. This causes me to isolate which is easy because everyone has their own lives and I spent the majority of my time alone. It may be a rut…a three year rut. Or it may just be the slow rhythm of my life now. In isolation those tears can rain freely and the release like the cooling rain on a sweltering day, sooths the land of my broken heart.

Grieving and mourning are used interchangeably while they really are not. I’m at the grieving part, it is the part of this emotional place done internally. In private, its the part of this process one can only do alone, and its the part that is forever. There is eternity here on earth, in our hearts. I vowed to love for eternity. Both my children and my husband and Jesus. The Word does say that God put eternity in the hearts of man…

Ecclesiastes 3 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

STOP.

It’s raining here today. Finally. Temps have decreased in double digits. And somehow my emotions have balanced with the barometric pressure, for today anyway.

I find it interesting how our bodies and minds are affected by the weather. The Lord has truly made our bodies and this earth and her atmosphere amazing! I’m continually in awe of the perfection of all of God’s creations. God is truly sovereign and mighty in all things.

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read. God Bless.


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Talk about RUSH!


 

E9E7AC10-FF0F-4F26-8726-C0681712CB78FMF Prompt: Rush

Go!

I just did my first FMF 31 Day Write and posted and then realized that it starts in a month! Seriously funny! I also just did, inadvertantly, my first “schedule post”. I’ve been rushing around for going on 3 weeks now. Not my usual schedule.

My usual schedule is slow and easy to non-existance. No family to care for, except for Dad, who has needed some help lately. It saddens me that we are getting there with him. But he’s up and running again. STOP!

Life for me is a series of ups and downs. Life is slow or it is a rush-rush mess. For me, it causes stress. And, more so to add to my stress the therapist says I’m suffering from PTSD. She’s diagnosing, I’m rebuking.

So I revert to my go-to scripture. God revealed it to me when I was a new baby Christian.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I was so relieved knowing that God would fight my battles, I just had to be quiet and still.

Still is an issue for me! Quiet is REALLY an the issue for me! I’m working on those though. My personal experiences of the last 3 1/2 years have taught not to ”not sweat the small stuff” but rather to recognize within me what the small stuff is and what it isn’t. I’ve let God fight for me, truly and I was not surprised when He was faithful. I expected him to be.

After losing my husband I reminded God that He was my Husband and I wanted Him to care for me and my life. When my son died very shortly afterward I clung to God, and while I didn’t care what He did to care for me or not I absolutely needed Him to take care OF me. Again He was faithful, though at that point of my life I expected nothing.

Like the song, You Say says…”You say I am loved when I don’t feel a thing.”

Not feeling anything remains a thing in my life. Sadly. But God…

And I believe…

So, on a whole my love is slow. No rush in anything. Sometimes the fastest thing I do is an FMF post. 🙂

Right now I am filling the slow with filling my self with knowledge and wisdom of God’ healing deep within me so that it manifested to the fullest. And a personal study of the prophetess and judge Deborah. I long to be a woman of wisdom.

What do you fill your time with when it slows down? Share with us in the comment.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read. God Bless.

 

 


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I just let go …


I just let go …

Surrendered again this morning …

I feel raw – fully awake and enduring the pain. I’m a mess. I don’t care about anything right now – just going through the motions of life – work and all the trappings of this life – simply so no one actually sees the brokenness.

Nothing else to lose is how I feel. But even now I realize I thought that 6 months ago as I was rounding 18 months without my husband and my boy went home to the Lord by his own hand …

I surrender now. Each.Day.Anew.

Today seems to be killing me … 2 days to 2 years living this life without my marriage. 2 years without hearing his voice, seeing his eyes laugh at me. I can hardly believe … 2 years!

So I went to YouTube to my praise and worship playlist and did my office work for the day.

I find myself singing the words through the tears … those tears I know God collects for me.

sing

STOP

You see it’s easy to sing and praise the Lord when life is all sun shine and rainbows.

Not so much those gloomy and dark days when the sun doesn’t break through the mist of rain drops and wind.

When life is just proving to me that there will always be days that the memories or the aloneness will bring my heart to a stop. When I realize I’m not breathing, let alone moving. Stuck.

It’s been a hard week. I swear my body knows how close the pain is before I begin to feel it’s aching on the edges of my soul. It gets harder as the day gets closer …

Grief knows the date …

Grief stretches into years. We don’t move on … we don’t let go … we simply move forward and learn to live with the pain.

God I need you now … trusting you on this path I didn’t plan.

I thank God that I am in a place in my faith that I can wake each morning and praise Him through the deep ache of loss. That I can sing through the tears, worshiping His faithfulness.

It is well with my soul. 2Andrea


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Embracing the Simple Life


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I’ve decided to be the authentic me. I’m weary from grieving my husband and son. I’m weary of being who others want me to be.

I’m even working slowly returning to my authentic hair color! Pulling out the red and looking for the gray.

I realize I cannot be who others want me to be, because the events of my life have me in a place of transition. I cannot make it faster. I cannot slow it down. And I certainly cannot go back. Oh, if  I could but go back . But that’s a fairytale and this is my real life.

I’m weary.

And when I think about finally embracing the authentic me, the honest and simple me, I feel peaceful. I feel like God, Himself is embracing me – the real me, the daughter He created.

My life has been utterly shattered. My little family literally cut in half in a year and a half’s time. Yet, here I stand.

Unashamed that I haven’t showered today. Okay with the fact that I was honestly relieved when our church’s game night was cancelled, so that I can remain home and embrace the solitude. Finally content to be me, finding who I am while gently shedding the mother and wife.

I am okay to stop the constant need to improve, strive and acquire. I won’t compete and grasp for those things that I don’t even really desire anymore. I don’t believe that their must be pain to gain – acquire – acceptance in this life. God said to be still. He said He would fight for me and I could keep my peace. (Ex.14:14).

This is my life. I desire humble (simple) and safe. Quiet but not necessarily alone. My husband and I did quiet together, he was a soft spoken, intelligent man. I desire to enter into that safe quiet and embrace the humbleness of solitude.

The Word says: Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). Be still in this verse literally means: desist, cease your efforts. This is Jehovah Rāpha – The Lord your healer urging you to allow Him to be my focus, my exaltation of Him in my life. This exaltation of God heals us. It’s His child reaching for her father in her weariness.

STOP – Five Minute Friday   

 

I desire to be still. To not rush to those decisions that exalt themselves above my peace. The peace that God promises me in His Word. To not worry about cleaning my house, because everything/one tells me it must be “clean”; that my comfortable clutter and the dishes on my counter make me less than … I’m okay with my way of just maintaining the order of my house right now.

I desire a whole and healthy body, spirit and soul. And that means slowing down. Being still. Allowing God to order my life. Embracing who I really am. Passed the widow, the wife without a purpose. The mom, the mother without a child to care for. The “whoever” others expect me to be, when I just want to be me.

I’m embracing the peace of God.  It’s where I want to spend time getting centered and balanced in this 52 year old broken woman. The authentic me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my musings.

2Andrea