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doing life tired …


go …

question: how are you? what is the correct answer? the truth? a convenient lie? silence?

do people really want me to tell them how i really am? or just return the platitude?

wladyslaw-slewinski-sleeping-woman-with-a-cat-ca-1896-1342824718_b

Sleeping woman with a cat Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Lord, i am so tired.

i don’t say that as exasperation to our society’s platitudes. their desire to connect but leave the door open so they cut an run at a moments notice.

i feel like being my friend has become inconvenient for people. i’m one of those transparent, honest kind of people. my friends, yes, i really do have great friends. more than most, i have to admit; i am blessed in that area. so my friends know i’m going to tell them the truth if they ask how i am. and some still ask. others … not so much.

so what’s the answer? my answer is i’m not okay and i’m so very tired.

i function now. for goodness sake, Don has [only] been gone [just a short] three years; and my boy, my Shane, [only] a year and a half.

it’s exhausting keeping up with the inconvenience of my life. to function;  when it means getting out of bed showering and getting dressed. this level of functioning can knock me out with fatigue. i simply cannot explain the fatigue from functioning in a normal human’s day.

it’s complicated, grief driven fatigue. it’s apparently ptsd, too. i don’t know about that diagnosis though. i’m a God believing, born again, Christian who believes healing is for us, for today.

stop …

but wait … there’s more.

so i fane function. i work from home so i can cheat, but most days, after waking from 8 to 9 hours of sleep, as tired as i was when i fell  asleep the night before and get dressed. most days i force myself to do the housework, the office work and those day to day things we all do. when the day meets evening i am in physical pain and tired, bone tired.

and forgive me as  i say … i’m tired of being tired.

i want to engage in my gifts and callings regularly, but i cannot seem to motivate. plus they still bring sadness. Don bought my camera as a Christmas surprise because i love[d] photography, and he loved my photography,  i’m good … well i’m good when my subject is in natural light and stays where i {or God} put them … like flowers and the sky.

and this, my writing. he loved my writing and encouraged me. always and in all things.

so when I do these things [there are still pictures in my camera from a trip i took to Montana last july], i get sad, and a sense of tired discouragement comes over me, and i tend to stop.

honestly, these are supposed to be cathartic activities, they should soothe and help with the healing. but that’s just it …

one does not heal from the loss of chunks of the heart.

think about this [this thought makes my just ache with fatigue] … think about never seeing them again, never hearing their voices or feeling their touch. think about not being able to talk with someone you spoke with every day for thirty years [29 for my boy, but hey], or laughing with them … {i miss the sound of Don’s laughter the most. we laughed everyday for over thirty years.} think about having to jolt yourself to a stop because you step into a room and say their name to tell them something and in that next second of silence remember they are never coming home.

those thoughts would make anyone tired.

so the honest answer to “how are you?”?  i’m tired and i’m not okay … today.

fortunately, i can finally say … ‘today’ at the end of that sentence, sometimes … today. but there are still those “not today” days.

please do me a favor … if someone you know has lost a loved one; a husband, a child…[the absolutely most painful of all deaths, hands down], a parent, even a pet …

don’t ask them how they are. ask them to coffee or lunch even. ask if there’s something you do for them today.

or even better, just say hi! it’s nice to see you.

trust me it will make them feel alive and present. they will remember you were kind, and a true friend when their life was in utter tatters. just saying hi, will make them feel rested because someone had treated them normally and they didn’t have to remember to lie or try to stop the burst of tears, because they just can’t stop the tears when they think about “how” they are.

thanks for reading these musings of a tired widowed mother of the … son who died.

Love A signature 5minFrihttp://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/
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I just let go …


I just let go …

Surrendered again this morning …

I feel raw – fully awake and enduring the pain. I’m a mess. I don’t care about anything right now – just going through the motions of life – work and all the trappings of this life – simply so no one actually sees the brokenness.

Nothing else to lose is how I feel. But even now I realize I thought that 6 months ago as I was rounding 18 months without my husband and my boy went home to the Lord by his own hand …

I surrender now. Each.Day.Anew.

Today seems to be killing me … 2 days to 2 years living this life without my marriage. 2 years without hearing his voice, seeing his eyes laugh at me. I can hardly believe … 2 years!

So I went to YouTube to my praise and worship playlist and did my office work for the day.

I find myself singing the words through the tears … those tears I know God collects for me.

sing

STOP

You see it’s easy to sing and praise the Lord when life is all sun shine and rainbows.

Not so much those gloomy and dark days when the sun doesn’t break through the mist of rain drops and wind.

When life is just proving to me that there will always be days that the memories or the aloneness will bring my heart to a stop. When I realize I’m not breathing, let alone moving. Stuck.

It’s been a hard week. I swear my body knows how close the pain is before I begin to feel it’s aching on the edges of my soul. It gets harder as the day gets closer …

Grief knows the date …

Grief stretches into years. We don’t move on … we don’t let go … we simply move forward and learn to live with the pain.

God I need you now … trusting you on this path I didn’t plan.

I thank God that I am in a place in my faith that I can wake each morning and praise Him through the deep ache of loss. That I can sing through the tears, worshiping His faithfulness.

It is well with my soul. 2Andrea


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Comforted


donot-be-afraid

 

In vv. 17 & 18 of Revelation 1 Jesus comforts John, “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and life.

You see John was completely overwhelmed with the situation he was in at the time – actually floored by the amazement of being in Jesus’ presence. And Jesus, having not changed, comforted John with the information/reminder that He, Jesus, was much bigger than the situation. That He was Omnipotent, that He had conquered death and now possessed the keys of death and life. Therefore John had no reason to fear because Jesus was in control and all things would be alright.
I know, for me, my situation these days can be completely overwhelming. All to often bringing me to my knees. Like John in the beginning of Revelation I often fall at Jesus’ feet as though dead. But as I remain in His Word He continually reminds me who He is in my life and comforts me with “Do not be afraid …”.

** For my dear readers who may still be looking to read, I’ve been gone for a LONG time. I tried to write after my husband passed, and succeeded a few times here and on A Widow’s Journey, however I was not able to sustain it. And then, after believing that no thing in the world could ever be worse than my husband battling and losing to cancer, I found that I was correct about the only thing I thought might top the level of sorrow I was experiencing, the loss of a child.

My youngest boy (man) lost his battle with heroin October of ’16 and I was slammed to my knees with the most devastating sorrow one could experience.

So I’ve been learning to breathe again. Learning to rise above the ever present grieving and live.

So here I am. I believe it’s time to write.

What has you on your knees today? Have you thought about How big God is? Have you remembered today that this is His plan and He won’t let it fail you? Have you looked up for help?

I encourage you today to open your Bible and get to know your Heavenly Father. I know that all my study of just the 1 chapter of Revelation brought me fresh understanding of just What and Who Jesus is to me … and who I am to Him. It’s comforting.

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I wonder … and endure …


HastingsCelticWomanI’ve been struggling lately, for obvious reasons. Yet not so obvious to myself … I guess that doesn’t make sense. Anyway …

I’ve been wondering just how people endure this thing called grief. The world says there are five stages of grief …

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Well I didn’t spend any time in denial … how does one, in all sanity, deny that death has taken their heart from them. I wake each morning to an empty bed. At 5:30 each evening, as his pup Habby sits at the window, no barking of joy marks his return. And the worst … I haven’t heard his voice or that laugh of his that I so loved in in almost a month (more really).

The bible says, in Romans 1 verses 1-5 that we have …

Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I guess this numbness and realization that this is my new life can be defined as a kind of peace. Like I said denial was never a place I truly visited.

We walked in faith. We prayed God’s perfect will and for healing. But in the end Don had an appointment to go home to be with the Lord. So denial and bargaining are (were always) off the table. So what is left?

Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

Well right now I am angry and depression sneaks up from time to time; but depression is just anger turned inward … so they are the same thing. And acceptance, I’ve excepted that my Love has gone home. So if I’ve logically come to terms with all these so called stages of grief I wonder how much longer the pain will remain.

When I am not in the throws of this anger; this slow burning dislike of life and breathing I feel, I know I am in faith.

I wonder … does anger affect faith? Does it change it?

I believe, no, I know that anger changes a person if left unchecked. So I don’t indulge for too long. I pray.

I look around my, our home and I wonder how, just how am I able to go on. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, because I am truly unhappy right now.

Is it really anger, I wonder, or just deep, deep unhappiness?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

In my faith I don’t have the luxury of denial or bargaining. In my faith I must control this anger and depression; the bible tells me I have control over my emotions according to the Word and Will of God.

But this unhappiness is so vitally deep and when I try to get to it to reign it in it goes deeper.

I guess I’m just wondering, often these days, how long it will take to accept my new life and calling in Christ. I thought I knew my roll and God has suddenly changed that … so I wonder and endure …

Thanks for reading. God bless.

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I write … dealing with the hard things in life


Why do I write? Well like my home page tells you it is to share life … to encourage others that they are not alone in the day to day things of this life and to help them live positively on purpose.

Today that’s just what I am struggling to do … amongst the hardest things I’ve ever faced in this life. After this I truly believe I will never be daunted by the day to day struggles or even the hard things quite as much ….

Life has been quite the puddle of tears and throbbing ache of late.
As some of you know, My Love, The Hubs, went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, tomorrow.

My Love

My Love

I look at the calendar and sit in stunned amazement, and anger (today), that he is not here. I miss him.

So … I’ve been told to journal. To write. But what words can convey this sorrow. This deep and terrible emptiness and anger?

What are those stages of grief anyway?? Many years ago I wrote about them when I lost my grandfather and uncle. And while the pain of those loses was significant they DO NOT compare to the loss of My Love. When The Hubs passed with him he took my heart and air. Seriously I find myself holding my breath often … I find that curious and it’s not explained by the 5 stages.

Today I want to call these the 5 stages of dying … it’s what I imagine a broken heart goes through as it stops working … melodramatic? I guess, but it’s where I am right now.

So the stages …

Denial (this isn’t happening!)

I can honestly say I began going through this as My Love slipped from us over a weeks time. It was that strikingly fast! I’d find myself shaking my head in confusion? denial? that this was not happening. That it couldn’t be. Our love was so big, so deep that he couldn’t be leaving, not yet.
But denial(?) I’m not sure that is what I was truly experiencing … it was disbelief that it “could” be happening, not a denial of it’s reality. There was a point before he was non-responsive that I knew that he’d visited and experienced a glimpse of heaven (he told me, no in so many words, and this was a blessing later.) that I knew but continued to hold onto the hope that if he chose to he could stay.

But seriously … who after having experienced, glimpsed, visited heaven would choose to come back if they didn’t have to?

Anger (why is this happening?)

I’m not sure the “why is this happening” is truly the question. However I’ve just entered, according to my understanding, the anger stage.

They told me “weeks” and it was exactly a week from the time he was discharged from the hospital just about three weeks ago. He came home on Tuesday and was home with the Lord the following Tuesday, just about 12:30 am according to my clock.

The anger I am experiencing at this point is just anger. It doesn’t seem to have a point or target; it just is. This anger disturbs me. I’ve spent many (MANY) years getting anger under control in my life. It, for many years, was the emotion I filtered everything through. Anger is my nemesis … seriously. It is the one place, (emotional place) I can easily return to without even a sliver of thought. It feels familiar (almost safe, though it is anything but safe for me), like home to me. VERY dangerous place for me to spend time.

“Why is this happening?”, “Why?”. No those aren’t the questions at the core of this. But I cannot, today, tell you what the question is. I guess that is different for everyone going through grief.

I’m intelligent and I know why. I’m even comforted that My Love is not feeling pain or suffering what he, himself referred to as “not living”. He was very frustrated by what life had become with this insidious illness they call cancer and he had come to a place where he was regretting and angry with himself about what he was “leaving” me with.

Yes. We both knew and it broke our hearts. I sought the Word in my brokenheartedness and knowing my Bible Professor he went to the Word without the book! ❤

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

God I miss him. It’s just empty and hollow and it pisses me off!

So yeah. This is where I am at today. And like I promised in my about me, I’m writing to share this … the hard and scary things, because in the end that is my ministry, my calling.

As for the rest of the stages … I’ll try to share them when I arrive there. No promises that I’ll have the right words; though I can promise you that my take will not be clinical or even correct according to the world’s take on where I am in the stages. Because quite frankly I’m finding that while I’ve arrived at 2 and have left the 1st. behind, that my faith in God and His Word have altered the world’s truth of what these stages are about.

Here are the other 3, for reference, for later … though if I think about it I can say I’m going dealing with the realities of bargaining too … I’ll save that for my next post, I need to ponder how to relate how I’m dealing with that one. Honestly if I think about it at all I’m currently dealing with a mean combination of Anger, Bargaining and Depression simultaneously! Like I said, that’s for another post!

Goodness my mind wanders and gets filled with so MANY thoughts all at the same time. So it’s time for me to stop right now. You understand … right? My sweet friend readers.

Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

As always thank you for stopping by and reading, and God bless!

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Blessed in the trial … T@T & FW Thursday Combined


Hello again.

As you’ve notice my posts have been few lately … our day to day here in Hutchland is very busy. Unfortunately The Hubs has been quite ill with the effects of this first week of round 4 of chemo … 18 months and these last several months have been the worst of his discomfort in all of the 18.

That said … Tuesday at Ten has worked itself into my “blog thing” Few Words Thursday … check it out  ☇  here.

by your words ... FWThLet my words be few on Thursday didn’t really turn into a thing … I would love it too, but hey, gotta get others interested right.

So Karen’s prompt was God speaking to me … He’s been in constant, intimate contact here in Hutchland for about a week. Well, strike that, He is always here … the past week He’s shown us His face. AMAZING BLESSING right there! And that leads to the prompt ….

Blessed

Fulfill Your Vow to God ~ Ecclesiates 5:1-3

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.

Do not be quick with your mouth,
    do not be hasty in your heart
    to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
    and you are on earth,
    so let your words be few.
A dream comes when there are many cares,
    and many words mark the speech of a fool.

Blessed in the trial … we’ve seen much in the last 18 months; much of it you can read about if you go and read my other posts over that time. What I’ve come to KNOW and TRUST is that God has been with me always. Not just when I need. Not just when I want.

I’ve been blessed with ALWAYS, and so have you. And it amazes me that I ever didn’t know this and that sometimes, in my human-ness, I even forget it … How does that happen?

Peace and Hope ~ Romans 5:1-6

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

When I was 5, and again when I was 19, I literally, physically saw Jesus and He spoke to me. I KNEW that I was blessed to have these encounters, yes even at 5, yet I remained on the same path … but then, God knew I would …

Over the last 18 months there have been blessings after blessings … financial, gifts, jobs and better pay, provision, protection and most notably … healing! God healed The Hubs’ lung; the cancer is no longer there, but it moved and we are currently dealing with that …

And then there’s today! YES today … the blessing of the manifest presence of God!

The Hubs didn’t sleep last night … I woke up to his anger and frustration and the statement that “God was all over me last night … He wouldn’t leave me alone … I begged Him to just let me sleep.”

My heart leapt with joy … (this is supposed to be Few Words! See, I’m not good at that! Hahaha) God was breaking Job right here in front of me. I just prayed, feeling blessed to be used as The Hubs helpmate in life, thanking God for softening this already God fearing man’s heart. The Hubs knew that was what was going on, too.

You see there are many ways to be blessed and not all of them have anything to do with what we think should or want to be. In fact it is often the case that our blessings are nothing we thought or dreamed of. This is often the reason people think that God sometimes does not answer prayers. God always answers … we just don’t always hear him, or more often, don’t like the answer.

Some of the best blessings in my life were seemingly unanswered prayers!

The blessing today, in this physical trial of our family, is the refining of a man, a faithful, Godly man. Like Job this trial is chipping scales of the world away until there is only God and the man and a new understanding of who that man is in Christ.

I am blessed to be completely unlike Job’s wife and I am supporting and praying for this man to burst forth, completely healed and restored in Christ ready for the path ahead of us, that God had planned from before the foundations of the earth.

Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ ~ Ephesians 1:3-10

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,  he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

Yes, there is cancer. Yes, one son is incarcerated because of how his addiction took over his life. Yes, there are trials and tragedy … everyone has them …

But GOD … those blessings are the manifest presence of [presents from] God. Letting us know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is right there beside us …

Always. Blessed.

Thanks for stopping by again, sweet reading friends. Great blessings to you today.

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Dreams & Desires ~ How they are fulfilled.


Over at Finding the Grace Within the Tuesday at Ten’s Prompt this week is Dream … and I ponder, and I wonder …

Eternity

Lately I’ve had odd dreams. Caused, I am sure, by the late hours I keep and the early mornings that we have in getting to The Hub’s treatments which started again this week. Five days a week once a month … actually 6 days if you count the ride up the Monday after for the Neulasta shot.

That said, those are not the dreams I will be talking about today.

I want to address how dreams can be altered by circumstances in our lives. And quite frankly how we, here in Hutchland, don’t allow that.

Those who live outside of God or faith or religion, however you term it [though all those terms are truly separate from one another] run to the wrong places and people when their dreams are threatened by someone, something or circumstances. They cling to their dreams while believing, in that shattered way, that their dream is unattainable due to these outside forces.

However, I am here to testify that one’s dreams and aspirations are from our Father Creator and cannot be “shattered” or “stolen” unless we allow them to; and we allow them to slip through our hands because we don’t trust the source of those dreams. Or because we don’t [either by ignorance or choice] have a fully mature relationship with our Father Creator.

He gives us those dreams. Those precious desires of our heart. So that we will fulfill our divine destinies.

That said …

Some would think that our dreams had been shattered 18 months ago with the cancer diagnosis, but they were not. We don’t accept the unacceptable here in Hutchland. The cancer is a trial, a diagnosis …

But God ….

More Than Conquerors translates to Huper Nikos in the Greek.

Romans 8:31

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? [to cancer and doctors proclamations] If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

Our dreams and our future are in God’s hands. God put our desires and our dreams into us and they cannot be shattered by the enemy … unless we allow it [like I said previously]. And then, isn’t that us shattering them?

Don’t get me wrong I focus on only one dream these days … but it’s the same dream I embarked on over 5 years ago when I asked God to remove anything from me that was not of him. That dream, that request has grown to encompass the whole family and our lives … things are being removed.

*obesity

*heart issues

*addictions

*cancer

*lack

I asked for ….

Healing. Wholeness. Complete Health.

Just a heads up … Be sure you’re ready for change when you ask God to do something or to fulfill your dreams. He searches our hearts and when we’re found truly ready and willing for refinement, he answers that prayer. The results are no less than painful and so much more. A true refinement begins.

1 Peter 1:6-8

A Living Hope
…In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,…

Jeremiah 17:10

I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.

Psalm 37:3-5

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

You see … Dreams are one of the ways God guides us to our purpose; and we live on purpose here in Hutchland. We asked for healing and complete divine health and those things that were not of God are being removed for God’s glory.

Now we don’t know what the future holds, but we do know who holds that future in His hands, and we believe Him.

Please Note: I said we BELIEVE God. I didn’t say we believe in God … He’s not a fairy tale or a story that we fantasize  is real. We know Him to be a tangible part of our lives and we trust and believe Him and His Word and at His Word.

He’s brought many dreams to fulfillment for us. Some little and unassuming and some HUGE and fantastic.

All dreams. All prayers and desires. All fulfilled … You may know them as blessings.

By any other name they are God working in our lives.

What dreams do you have today?

Have you brought them to God or have you trusted them to man? … Well, let me know, because that my dear readers is a post coming soon to HopeAnnFaith Blog!

Thanks for stopping by and as always Blessings to you and yours.

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