HOPE*ann*FAITH

Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.


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I wonder … and endure …


HastingsCelticWomanI’ve been struggling lately, for obvious reasons. Yet not so obvious to myself … I guess that doesn’t make sense. Anyway …

I’ve been wondering just how people endure this thing called grief. The world says there are five stages of grief …

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Well I didn’t spend any time in denial … how does one, in all sanity, deny that death has taken their heart from them. I wake each morning to an empty bed. At 5:30 each evening, as his pup Habby sits at the window, no barking of joy marks his return. And the worst … I haven’t heard his voice or that laugh of his that I so loved in in almost a month (more really).

The bible says, in Romans 1 verses 1-5 that we have …

Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I guess this numbness and realization that this is my new life can be defined as a kind of peace. Like I said denial was never a place I truly visited.

We walked in faith. We prayed God’s perfect will and for healing. But in the end Don had an appointment to go home to be with the Lord. So denial and bargaining are (were always) off the table. So what is left?

Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

Well right now I am angry and depression sneaks up from time to time; but depression is just anger turned inward … so they are the same thing. And acceptance, I’ve excepted that my Love has gone home. So if I’ve logically come to terms with all these so called stages of grief I wonder how much longer the pain will remain.

When I am not in the throws of this anger; this slow burning dislike of life and breathing I feel, I know I am in faith.

I wonder … does anger affect faith? Does it change it?

I believe, no, I know that anger changes a person if left unchecked. So I don’t indulge for too long. I pray.

I look around my, our home and I wonder how, just how am I able to go on. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, because I am truly unhappy right now.

Is it really anger, I wonder, or just deep, deep unhappiness?

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

In my faith I don’t have the luxury of denial or bargaining. In my faith I must control this anger and depression; the bible tells me I have control over my emotions according to the Word and Will of God.

But this unhappiness is so vitally deep and when I try to get to it to reign it in it goes deeper.

I guess I’m just wondering, often these days, how long it will take to accept my new life and calling in Christ. I thought I knew my roll and God has suddenly changed that … so I wonder and endure …

Thanks for reading. God bless.

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I write … dealing with the hard things in life


Why do I write? Well like my home page tells you it is to share life … to encourage others that they are not alone in the day to day things of this life and to help them live positively on purpose.

Today that’s just what I am struggling to do … amongst the hardest things I’ve ever faced in this life. After this I truly believe I will never be daunted by the day to day struggles or even the hard things quite as much ….

Life has been quite the puddle of tears and throbbing ache of late.
As some of you know, My Love, The Hubs, went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, tomorrow.

My Love

My Love

I look at the calendar and sit in stunned amazement, and anger (today), that he is not here. I miss him.

So … I’ve been told to journal. To write. But what words can convey this sorrow. This deep and terrible emptiness and anger?

What are those stages of grief anyway?? Many years ago I wrote about them when I lost my grandfather and uncle. And while the pain of those loses was significant they DO NOT compare to the loss of My Love. When The Hubs passed with him he took my heart and air. Seriously I find myself holding my breath often … I find that curious and it’s not explained by the 5 stages.

Today I want to call these the 5 stages of dying … it’s what I imagine a broken heart goes through as it stops working … melodramatic? I guess, but it’s where I am right now.

So the stages …

Denial (this isn’t happening!)

I can honestly say I began going through this as My Love slipped from us over a weeks time. It was that strikingly fast! I’d find myself shaking my head in confusion? denial? that this was not happening. That it couldn’t be. Our love was so big, so deep that he couldn’t be leaving, not yet.
But denial(?) I’m not sure that is what I was truly experiencing … it was disbelief that it “could” be happening, not a denial of it’s reality. There was a point before he was non-responsive that I knew that he’d visited and experienced a glimpse of heaven (he told me, no in so many words, and this was a blessing later.) that I knew but continued to hold onto the hope that if he chose to he could stay.

But seriously … who after having experienced, glimpsed, visited heaven would choose to come back if they didn’t have to?

Anger (why is this happening?)

I’m not sure the “why is this happening” is truly the question. However I’ve just entered, according to my understanding, the anger stage.

They told me “weeks” and it was exactly a week from the time he was discharged from the hospital just about three weeks ago. He came home on Tuesday and was home with the Lord the following Tuesday, just about 12:30 am according to my clock.

The anger I am experiencing at this point is just anger. It doesn’t seem to have a point or target; it just is. This anger disturbs me. I’ve spent many (MANY) years getting anger under control in my life. It, for many years, was the emotion I filtered everything through. Anger is my nemesis … seriously. It is the one place, (emotional place) I can easily return to without even a sliver of thought. It feels familiar (almost safe, though it is anything but safe for me), like home to me. VERY dangerous place for me to spend time.

“Why is this happening?”, “Why?”. No those aren’t the questions at the core of this. But I cannot, today, tell you what the question is. I guess that is different for everyone going through grief.

I’m intelligent and I know why. I’m even comforted that My Love is not feeling pain or suffering what he, himself referred to as “not living”. He was very frustrated by what life had become with this insidious illness they call cancer and he had come to a place where he was regretting and angry with himself about what he was “leaving” me with.

Yes. We both knew and it broke our hearts. I sought the Word in my brokenheartedness and knowing my Bible Professor he went to the Word without the book! ❤

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

God I miss him. It’s just empty and hollow and it pisses me off!

So yeah. This is where I am at today. And like I promised in my about me, I’m writing to share this … the hard and scary things, because in the end that is my ministry, my calling.

As for the rest of the stages … I’ll try to share them when I arrive there. No promises that I’ll have the right words; though I can promise you that my take will not be clinical or even correct according to the world’s take on where I am in the stages. Because quite frankly I’m finding that while I’ve arrived at 2 and have left the 1st. behind, that my faith in God and His Word have altered the world’s truth of what these stages are about.

Here are the other 3, for reference, for later … though if I think about it I can say I’m going dealing with the realities of bargaining too … I’ll save that for my next post, I need to ponder how to relate how I’m dealing with that one. Honestly if I think about it at all I’m currently dealing with a mean combination of Anger, Bargaining and Depression simultaneously! Like I said, that’s for another post!

Goodness my mind wanders and gets filled with so MANY thoughts all at the same time. So it’s time for me to stop right now. You understand … right? My sweet friend readers.

Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

As always thank you for stopping by and reading, and God bless!

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Blessed in the trial … T@T & FW Thursday Combined


Hello again.

As you’ve notice my posts have been few lately … our day to day here in Hutchland is very busy. Unfortunately The Hubs has been quite ill with the effects of this first week of round 4 of chemo … 18 months and these last several months have been the worst of his discomfort in all of the 18.

That said … Tuesday at Ten has worked itself into my “blog thing” Few Words Thursday … check it out  ☇  here.

by your words ... FWThLet my words be few on Thursday didn’t really turn into a thing … I would love it too, but hey, gotta get others interested right.

So Karen’s prompt was God speaking to me … He’s been in constant, intimate contact here in Hutchland for about a week. Well, strike that, He is always here … the past week He’s shown us His face. AMAZING BLESSING right there! And that leads to the prompt ….

Blessed

Fulfill Your Vow to God ~ Ecclesiates 5:1-3

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.

Do not be quick with your mouth,
    do not be hasty in your heart
    to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
    and you are on earth,
    so let your words be few.
A dream comes when there are many cares,
    and many words mark the speech of a fool.

Blessed in the trial … we’ve seen much in the last 18 months; much of it you can read about if you go and read my other posts over that time. What I’ve come to KNOW and TRUST is that God has been with me always. Not just when I need. Not just when I want.

I’ve been blessed with ALWAYS, and so have you. And it amazes me that I ever didn’t know this and that sometimes, in my human-ness, I even forget it … How does that happen?

Peace and Hope ~ Romans 5:1-6

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

When I was 5, and again when I was 19, I literally, physically saw Jesus and He spoke to me. I KNEW that I was blessed to have these encounters, yes even at 5, yet I remained on the same path … but then, God knew I would …

Over the last 18 months there have been blessings after blessings … financial, gifts, jobs and better pay, provision, protection and most notably … healing! God healed The Hubs’ lung; the cancer is no longer there, but it moved and we are currently dealing with that …

And then there’s today! YES today … the blessing of the manifest presence of God!

The Hubs didn’t sleep last night … I woke up to his anger and frustration and the statement that “God was all over me last night … He wouldn’t leave me alone … I begged Him to just let me sleep.”

My heart leapt with joy … (this is supposed to be Few Words! See, I’m not good at that! Hahaha) God was breaking Job right here in front of me. I just prayed, feeling blessed to be used as The Hubs helpmate in life, thanking God for softening this already God fearing man’s heart. The Hubs knew that was what was going on, too.

You see there are many ways to be blessed and not all of them have anything to do with what we think should or want to be. In fact it is often the case that our blessings are nothing we thought or dreamed of. This is often the reason people think that God sometimes does not answer prayers. God always answers … we just don’t always hear him, or more often, don’t like the answer.

Some of the best blessings in my life were seemingly unanswered prayers!

The blessing today, in this physical trial of our family, is the refining of a man, a faithful, Godly man. Like Job this trial is chipping scales of the world away until there is only God and the man and a new understanding of who that man is in Christ.

I am blessed to be completely unlike Job’s wife and I am supporting and praying for this man to burst forth, completely healed and restored in Christ ready for the path ahead of us, that God had planned from before the foundations of the earth.

Praise for Spiritual Blessings in Christ ~ Ephesians 1:3-10

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace  that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,  he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

Yes, there is cancer. Yes, one son is incarcerated because of how his addiction took over his life. Yes, there are trials and tragedy … everyone has them …

But GOD … those blessings are the manifest presence of [presents from] God. Letting us know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is right there beside us …

Always. Blessed.

Thanks for stopping by again, sweet reading friends. Great blessings to you today.

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Dreams & Desires ~ How they are fulfilled.


Over at Finding the Grace Within the Tuesday at Ten’s Prompt this week is Dream … and I ponder, and I wonder …

Eternity

Lately I’ve had odd dreams. Caused, I am sure, by the late hours I keep and the early mornings that we have in getting to The Hub’s treatments which started again this week. Five days a week once a month … actually 6 days if you count the ride up the Monday after for the Neulasta shot.

That said, those are not the dreams I will be talking about today.

I want to address how dreams can be altered by circumstances in our lives. And quite frankly how we, here in Hutchland, don’t allow that.

Those who live outside of God or faith or religion, however you term it [though all those terms are truly separate from one another] run to the wrong places and people when their dreams are threatened by someone, something or circumstances. They cling to their dreams while believing, in that shattered way, that their dream is unattainable due to these outside forces.

However, I am here to testify that one’s dreams and aspirations are from our Father Creator and cannot be “shattered” or “stolen” unless we allow them to; and we allow them to slip through our hands because we don’t trust the source of those dreams. Or because we don’t [either by ignorance or choice] have a fully mature relationship with our Father Creator.

He gives us those dreams. Those precious desires of our heart. So that we will fulfill our divine destinies.

That said …

Some would think that our dreams had been shattered 18 months ago with the cancer diagnosis, but they were not. We don’t accept the unacceptable here in Hutchland. The cancer is a trial, a diagnosis …

But God ….

More Than Conquerors translates to Huper Nikos in the Greek.

Romans 8:31

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? [to cancer and doctors proclamations] If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

Our dreams and our future are in God’s hands. God put our desires and our dreams into us and they cannot be shattered by the enemy … unless we allow it [like I said previously]. And then, isn’t that us shattering them?

Don’t get me wrong I focus on only one dream these days … but it’s the same dream I embarked on over 5 years ago when I asked God to remove anything from me that was not of him. That dream, that request has grown to encompass the whole family and our lives … things are being removed.

*obesity

*heart issues

*addictions

*cancer

*lack

I asked for ….

Healing. Wholeness. Complete Health.

Just a heads up … Be sure you’re ready for change when you ask God to do something or to fulfill your dreams. He searches our hearts and when we’re found truly ready and willing for refinement, he answers that prayer. The results are no less than painful and so much more. A true refinement begins.

1 Peter 1:6-8

A Living Hope
…In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,…

Jeremiah 17:10

I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.

Psalm 37:3-5

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.

You see … Dreams are one of the ways God guides us to our purpose; and we live on purpose here in Hutchland. We asked for healing and complete divine health and those things that were not of God are being removed for God’s glory.

Now we don’t know what the future holds, but we do know who holds that future in His hands, and we believe Him.

Please Note: I said we BELIEVE God. I didn’t say we believe in God … He’s not a fairy tale or a story that we fantasize  is real. We know Him to be a tangible part of our lives and we trust and believe Him and His Word and at His Word.

He’s brought many dreams to fulfillment for us. Some little and unassuming and some HUGE and fantastic.

All dreams. All prayers and desires. All fulfilled … You may know them as blessings.

By any other name they are God working in our lives.

What dreams do you have today?

Have you brought them to God or have you trusted them to man? … Well, let me know, because that my dear readers is a post coming soon to HopeAnnFaith Blog!

Thanks for stopping by and as always Blessings to you and yours.

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Growing in the Moments of a Life …


Here I am again … two in a row! Joining my dear friend Karen over at Finding The Grace Within for her GROWING blog link up ~ Tuesday at Ten.

A Word Prompt is given and we have 1 full week to use the prompt word to our liking! You can use the word in any way, past tense, or as an action, use the word to which it fits you best. Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose. We have 1 week to write and link up our blog at the bottom of this page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! We can even stay connected by visiting the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for weekly updates and more! Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU.

Our soul remains open and limber; available for GROWTH, development and discovery.

… 0ur soul remains open and limber; available for GROWTH, development and discovery. ~ Shane Hipps

I’ve mulled over this prompt since Tuesday [It’s Saturday!] and I thought it might be about marriage for me … but it’s wasn’t, or was it? IDK.

Life is so much more intimate these days. Deeper within me; sorting out the important and the unimportant.

In a life we often grow so complacent choosing the wrong things as important; leaving open a chance for regret and closing off the Spirit within us that allows us to bloom where we are and grow and develop and discover LIFE itself, in it’s intended form … raw and achingly beautiful, even in the pain.

As always, for me, this thing … this writing and baring clean my soul [you know the soul is your mind right? that it is the Spirit within us that is eternal, not the soul; right?], a purging, if you will, a pruning of thoughts taken captive so that the Spirit of me, my truest self, can dig deep my roots and grow forth in the MOMENT of this life.

Right Here … RIGHT NOW.

This thing … It’s about Me and God. It’s always about God.

Ephesians 4:9-16

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says:

“When he ascended on high,
    he took many captives
    and gave gifts to his people.

What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions?  He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe. So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers,  to equip (to grow) his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up  until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature (grow), attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

We will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head …

So how do I grow in the moments of this life? When, in fact, this life seems to be in a dry and barren place.

A place and time that would beg me to begin the mourning of my most loved one. How does one grow when they want to freeze time to squeeze more out of each second they are graced with?

FAITH … we grow by faith. We do all things by and through faith.

Like I said in the beginning of this post … I’ve grown to a place where the importance of a thing, an act, a situation is very transparently evident. I no longer [have the time to] worry at those things that are temporal or petty.

I no longer have the time because I have grown, in this MOST IMPORTANT situation, my life, to know that TIME is short and is for the cherishing.

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. ~ 2 Peter 3:8

I’ve grown to understand that because I am SAVED, because I was chosen by our Father Creator, that I do not live in time as those of the world do. I live in God’s time. And that my dear and friendly reader is a literal BLINK of the eye.

So precious. So intimate. So minute. So fragile.

I’ve grown so very much in the last 18 months that I honestly don’t recognize myself sometimes.

I forgive more. I love more. I serve more. I listen more and better. I mull out my thoughts before I speak, wanting only to impart truth and love and genuine emotion what I offer to my … listener, reader, confidante. There is more but I can’t find it right now …

This is the maturity I’ve grown into in just a very short time … That Blink of the eye …

How does one truly grow in the moments … the hard moments?

By faith my sweet friends, always by faith with God by our side. Because when you begin to feel the growth being stunted in a spiritual way, even the most staunch atheist will reach out to the God they so publicly deny. It’s innate within us to call on Him, we are ultimately and infinitely apart of Him … we are all, each one, built to search for our source; and there’s no denying that God, the creator of all that is, was and will be, is that source.

A blogger photographer I follow wrote this:

~ I believe every moment is worth living ~ and remembering ~ even the hard ones. If you look for joy, you’ll find it in the most unexpected places. ~ Kelly Sauer

I’ve grown to ascribe to this sentiment. To the depth of the truth of her quote.

Every moment is worth living – and remembering – even the hard ones.

So I’m off now to live and grow in the precious fragility of this life of mine. To cherish each ache and pain that comes with the stretching of my spirit, my very core, and to gather these memories to my mind and heart so that each word and gesture is extended with gentle wisdom. Conveying only the most intimate heart truths to the ones I love so very much.

Thanks for reading, once again. Your friendship is a blessing and a necessity to me today … and always.
Thank you. Thank you, sweet reading friends of mine.

God bless.

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In the face of fear …


fear

I’ve been away from my virtual journal here for the last several weeks; and I’ve been feeling it! I’ve searched for words and phrases to inspire the words to flow, but they would not come. Writer’s block? Nah.

FEAR … I’ve been literally battling fear; so when I saw Karen’s prompt on Tuesday I shrunk back in trepidation (nice 50¢ word for fear); alerting me to the fact that I was, once again, indulging in fear. And as you can see it took me three days to be able to get this moving ….

So here we are again … my Tuesday @ Ten post on Friday at 9:30. But … thank God that those words, so backed up in my heart, are now flowing; at least for today!

So … the thing about fear … it’s a liar. The biggest liar that you will ever encounter! The creativity of a fearful mind rivals the greatest story tellers of all time, in my humble opinion.

When in a full blown state of fear, the kind that comes with the unknowns of this life, the mind can conjure the ugliest, most desolate and crushing scenarios of ones imagination. And that’s the thing … it’s the imagination!

Don’t get me wrong, there are true tangibles in life that warrant a certain self preservation form of fear, but that is not what I am referring to here. I’m not talking about the fear that stems from wisdom; that fear is called caution. I’m not talking about the natural fear we have in reference to something that is dangerous; that fear is reverence ie: I fear the lion over there.

NO … I’m talking about the fear that stems from circumstances beyond our control; fear of the things of life and death …

Fear of the things and outcomes only God controls.

Can I play my broken record here? Just for the edification of those who might not read this blog regular.

What are Hopeannfaith’s fears?

Cancer. Addiction. Loneliness in Alone-ness. Deafening silence. Loss. There are so many, we all have a list!

This post is now being written through a lens of tears! I told you … I realized with the e-mail that announced this week’s prompt that I was in a state of fear, again!

Fear is a thief! It steals my hope, my faith and my peace. It robs me of God’s presence in my day to day.

It’s the constant whisper of dread to my heart’s ear and it convinces me to give up, slowly, without knowledge … I just give in and indulge like a glutton hosting her own pity party. Curling up into the outward silence of my own isolation; unknowingly, once again, seemingly protecting myself from harm, while dying slowly in the arms of the thief.

But God …

Yesterday Lysa Terkeurst posted this gem to her Facebook wall:

Soak in these words tonight before you go to bed:

– God is the solution for every single one of my troubles.
– God is within me and perfectly equips me to know what to do.
– God is with me therefore there is nothing I’ll face alone.
– Evidence of His constant work is all around me if only I will choose to see it.

And I did … I wrote it down and I brought it to bed and I chanted it a few times before I went to sleep.

A prayer.

One that was answered this morning … New Mercies!

To me, walking in fear is a sin … it quiets Holy Spirit in me; oh, I know He’s there and I am comforted in an odd way, while continuing not to trust … I can hear the dim, muted whisper but not make out His Words as He calls me back to Him. So then He yells … using Lysa, my friends, music, whatever He has to to pull me, one of His most stubborn girls, back from the pit. And I thank Him for His Awesome Faithfulness to me.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear … ~ 1 John 4:18

Fear is the opposite of faith … and when I am out of my faith walk I begin to wither and die; we all do, I believe. So I’d like right now to give you some of God’s Word to ward off the fears that you may encounter today. For me it’s called renewal of mind and spirit … putting God’s Words in place of my own thoughts. Maybe you know it as taking each thought captive. It is that and so much more …

God’s Word is Salvation! It rescues us from the pit of hell, which is a very real place and destination.

How do I conquer the fear? God, The Word, Worship …

Take Courage … take it today and indulge there, in God’s Word and promises.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The Lord is my light and my salvation–whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can Man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

He left us peace. God’s peace vanquishes all fear!

Are you fearful today? If you are, I encourage you seek out God’s Word on the subject. Not the subject of your fear, rather the subject of fear itself … you see the subject or circumstance of the fear is not the point, the spirit of fear is the point. It is the spirit of fear that paralyses us, controls us and causes us to separate ourselves from God our salvation!

god-has-not-given-us-a-spirit-of-fear

As I pray fear away, I am praying that all fear be vanquished today. For you, for me, for all.

God bless and thanks, as always, for reading my dear faithful reading friends.

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It’s Not about Me {YOU} … It’s a God Thing


Forgiveness …. I have written MANY posts about forgiveness over the years {You can peruse that library of posts right here, if you’re bored!}. Much like you, and most people, I’ve forgiven MANY for MUCH. That’s the way life is.

But what about those people … those acts, that we cannot seem to forgive?

Is it in our nature to forgive? I don’t think so, not in our natural, carnal selves.

To err is human, to forgive divine. ~ Alexander Pope

Forgiveness is a Spiritual thing of healing.

Forgiveness is a God thing.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more.
 Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence. Isaiah 43:25-26

So if God blots out my transgressions (sins) and remembers them no more and offers to argue (discuss, workout) the matter with me; who am I not to forgive those who transgress against me?

Forgiveness is not about ME. It’s about God … It’s me being about the things of God.

Like I said: I forgave many for much; and when I say much I mean a tremendous amount of wrongs! And in this world, even in our families, today, tremendous wrongs are an everyday thing. We’ve fallen so far into the depravity of the world’s view that the “I’m not hurting anyone” mantra is rote.

Well un-forgiveness is painful! To ourselves and to the other parties involved.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is a God thing. Good thing He made us all in his image, to be like Him and do His work in this earth.

Un-forgiveness is like a cancer, one we choose to cultivate! It doesn’t harm the un-forgiven party as much as it harms us, ourselves. It causes bitterness and resentment and eventually total distrust of all, if left unhindered.

So if forgiveness is such a hard thing; and yes a thing, in my studied layman’s opinion, that we are incapable of on our own, without God; how then do we do this thing?

For me it was a hailmary task. I had nothing left in me when I came searching for home … for God. I’d been physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused. I’d been abandoned by act and deed and choice and neglected due to illness and lack and simply lack of responsibility.

And finally … I had found refuge in the Hubs before he was the Hubs. I didn’t trust at first. I actually fought, inadvertently my own worst hit man. I undermined my own security and happiness for many years. That often being the result of those who endure much abuse and neglect over time; they grow to believe that this is their lot in life and that they somehow deserve the cards that were dealt, when in fact, they, themselves deal from the bottom of the deck they are holding. Essentially choosing their abusers, as a form of control , and controlling when and how the abuse occurs (this is a DEEP subject that needs a post of it’s own, someday). Anyway, this is how I dealt with life prior to the Hubs and my road to my Salvation!

My road! Ha! It was God’s road and His plan! Seriously (again, for another post).

So back to the path of forgiveness ….

It was only with God, on His terms and with my submission to the Word, that I was able to come to a place of forgiveness for the Many and Much. For the most part I’ve been successful … it’s been 13 years, this month!

I didn’t forsake the fellowship. I attended (attend) church and keep my mind renewed by staying in the Word and prayer and relationship with God.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner is you. ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Let me say it this way …

My hailmary, as I walked down the aisle, to the altar one Wednesday night, to accept the grace of Jesus as my Lord and Savior, was to beseech God, for what I wasn’t sure, but somehow I knew this was where I had to be, to fix it all. The very next thing God began to work on (FOR YEARS) was my un-forgiveness! It really was the first (well after ridding me of my previous “religion”) thing that was tackled in my spiritual walk. And it remains an everyday discipline.

The Many and Much are not gone. They walk and talk and tap at my heart strings, trying to play their melody of anger and resentment from time to time.

But I am FREE. I set aside the echos of my past and turn to the Word and fellowship of my fellow believers and continue to move forward, “It’‍s the only direction God gave us.”Gabe in Wish I Was Here; and I forgive, again.

Forward

Abandonment is an issue these days. Being the wife of someone battling cancer you find that your family and friends are kind of afraid of you. Oh they ask after the Hubs and offer prayer and blessings. But rarely do they ask the wife how she is, afraid that they won’t know what to say. Their priority if they are believers is to concentrate their prayers on his healing (and oh, how thankful I am for that!) and if they aren’t, I hazard to think of the pity prayers they offer up!

And there is the cancer itself, that threatens everyday to leave me alone, my heart destitute of the only honest and true love for me that has existed in this world (aside from Father God’s, that is.).

So I wake each morning thanking God for the faith and hope that He has given me, it’s His really. I thank Him for the army of intercessors that have gathered around the Hubs and I soak in those healing prayers knowing that they are for me too, even if they are not offered to me, per se. …

And I forgive Me, for being human and angry and resentful, for shaking my fists at the circumstances of my wisp of a life, right here and right now.

Because when we realize that God has forgiven us our worst, hidden in that dark corner of our deepest crevasse of soul, sin and remembers it now more, though we keep it in the corner of that crevasse, we can then begin to forgive ourselves for those sins, not the least of which is a lifetime of resentful un-forgiveness. Only then are we able to realize we aren’t capable of forgiveness on our own, so I …

Repent and thank  God that He has created me in His image to be about the work of His kingdom and ask that He help me to forgive the new Many and Much and move forward on the path He would have me walk … today.

Today … I walk in faith, not looking to the right or to left, simply looking to God, and I walk in forgiveness. Tomorrow I will start again, because Jesus did …

 This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. Matthew 26:28

Thanks for reading my faithful friends. Blessings to you all.

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