HOPE*ann*FAITH

Learning to Live , Again, On Purpose.


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To sleep perchance to dream …


Sleeping woman with a cat Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Sleeping woman with a cat
Wladyslaw Slewinski (ca. 1896)

Not much encourages me lately. I’m having trouble reconciling being encouraged about life, while my heart and air have been taken from me.

But God … just when I need it He gives me comfort and encouragement …

I’ve had some trouble sleeping lately. Not out of fear, I don’t think. Just insomnia, probably brought on by dragging out getting up in the morning (afternoon). It’s waking up I fear.

Well maybe fear is too strong a word. Let me use an equally strong, but more accurate term; loath.

No denial here. Just anger.

Last night I fell asleep with artificial help for maybe an hour or so last night and then I woke about 3 am to a silent home. I turned the tv back on with the volume low and laid back down and slept and dreamt.

I closed my eyes in prayer, hoping that My Love would come in a dream … he did. ❤

I remember clearly his arm around my middle, that close familiar comfort.

I talked to him about normal stuff. I remember getting up and doing normal stuff, like before he was ill. Talking to him all the while.

Though I don’t remember hearing his voice. I don’t think he spoke. He just shook his head when I asked before waking up, …

He answered me when I asked, ” Are you really here or am I in denial?”

He shook his head to both, I remember knowing he was answering both questions.

No he wasn’t really here, it was a dream to comfort me for sleep.

No I wasn’t in denial, I was having a dream.

And right now as the tears come I am comforted by the dream God allowed me so I would sleep.

I am encouraged that I will see him and have the momentary comfort of his presence, if only in a dream.

Thanks for reading and God bless.

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I write … dealing with the hard things in life


Why do I write? Well like my home page tells you it is to share life … to encourage others that they are not alone in the day to day things of this life and to help them live positively on purpose.

Today that’s just what I am struggling to do … amongst the hardest things I’ve ever faced in this life. After this I truly believe I will never be daunted by the day to day struggles or even the hard things quite as much ….

Life has been quite the puddle of tears and throbbing ache of late.
As some of you know, My Love, The Hubs, went home to be with the Lord two weeks ago, tomorrow.

My Love

My Love

I look at the calendar and sit in stunned amazement, and anger (today), that he is not here. I miss him.

So … I’ve been told to journal. To write. But what words can convey this sorrow. This deep and terrible emptiness and anger?

What are those stages of grief anyway?? Many years ago I wrote about them when I lost my grandfather and uncle. And while the pain of those loses was significant they DO NOT compare to the loss of My Love. When The Hubs passed with him he took my heart and air. Seriously I find myself holding my breath often … I find that curious and it’s not explained by the 5 stages.

Today I want to call these the 5 stages of dying … it’s what I imagine a broken heart goes through as it stops working … melodramatic? I guess, but it’s where I am right now.

So the stages …

Denial (this isn’t happening!)

I can honestly say I began going through this as My Love slipped from us over a weeks time. It was that strikingly fast! I’d find myself shaking my head in confusion? denial? that this was not happening. That it couldn’t be. Our love was so big, so deep that he couldn’t be leaving, not yet.
But denial(?) I’m not sure that is what I was truly experiencing … it was disbelief that it “could” be happening, not a denial of it’s reality. There was a point before he was non-responsive that I knew that he’d visited and experienced a glimpse of heaven (he told me, no in so many words, and this was a blessing later.) that I knew but continued to hold onto the hope that if he chose to he could stay.

But seriously … who after having experienced, glimpsed, visited heaven would choose to come back if they didn’t have to?

Anger (why is this happening?)

I’m not sure the “why is this happening” is truly the question. However I’ve just entered, according to my understanding, the anger stage.

They told me “weeks” and it was exactly a week from the time he was discharged from the hospital just about three weeks ago. He came home on Tuesday and was home with the Lord the following Tuesday, just about 12:30 am according to my clock.

The anger I am experiencing at this point is just anger. It doesn’t seem to have a point or target; it just is. This anger disturbs me. I’ve spent many (MANY) years getting anger under control in my life. It, for many years, was the emotion I filtered everything through. Anger is my nemesis … seriously. It is the one place, (emotional place) I can easily return to without even a sliver of thought. It feels familiar (almost safe, though it is anything but safe for me), like home to me. VERY dangerous place for me to spend time.

“Why is this happening?”, “Why?”. No those aren’t the questions at the core of this. But I cannot, today, tell you what the question is. I guess that is different for everyone going through grief.

I’m intelligent and I know why. I’m even comforted that My Love is not feeling pain or suffering what he, himself referred to as “not living”. He was very frustrated by what life had become with this insidious illness they call cancer and he had come to a place where he was regretting and angry with himself about what he was “leaving” me with.

Yes. We both knew and it broke our hearts. I sought the Word in my brokenheartedness and knowing my Bible Professor he went to the Word without the book! ❤

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

God I miss him. It’s just empty and hollow and it pisses me off!

So yeah. This is where I am at today. And like I promised in my about me, I’m writing to share this … the hard and scary things, because in the end that is my ministry, my calling.

As for the rest of the stages … I’ll try to share them when I arrive there. No promises that I’ll have the right words; though I can promise you that my take will not be clinical or even correct according to the world’s take on where I am in the stages. Because quite frankly I’m finding that while I’ve arrived at 2 and have left the 1st. behind, that my faith in God and His Word have altered the world’s truth of what these stages are about.

Here are the other 3, for reference, for later … though if I think about it I can say I’m going dealing with the realities of bargaining too … I’ll save that for my next post, I need to ponder how to relate how I’m dealing with that one. Honestly if I think about it at all I’m currently dealing with a mean combination of Anger, Bargaining and Depression simultaneously! Like I said, that’s for another post!

Goodness my mind wanders and gets filled with so MANY thoughts all at the same time. So it’s time for me to stop right now. You understand … right? My sweet friend readers.

Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

As always thank you for stopping by and reading, and God bless!

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Letting Go and Letting God …


I read a poem today that spoke to the very core of my Spirit.

The poem stirred an understanding about this sojourn I am on. This sojourn that is once again transforming who I am as a Spiritual woman, wife, mother, nurturer in Christ. It’s about letting go.

Beautiful Dreamer - Lauren Rudolf Art

Beautiful Dreamer – Lauren Rudolf Art

As a Christian I find the Letting Go and Letting God concept in our faith is not fully understood, nor can the wisest of us explain what that truly is … that is without “A” trans-formative step in our faith. Everyone is changed by God faith by faith and glory to glory (His glory!) yet I am finding that there is a truly transforming step that we all will experience with God, in our relationship with God, that while a sojourn (or a temporary stay) in a specific spiritual space will have a tangibly permanent affect in WHO we are.

The WHO we are in Christ, specifically.

I am on that sojourn. I have been, unknowingly until today.

Today I learned, a felt the shift, of that transformation. Over the last 18 months I have slowly learned and accepted and become alright with putting the little things aside. I’ve learned and can truely decipher the insignificant things and they no longer cloud my vision.

But today. With much, powerful and fervent pray from and with some of my most loved friends I slowed and was shown, supernaturally what this letting go is truly about. And then God lead me on this path to this poem that, for me, was a picture of that letting go.

I did not write it. But I believe God did through the author.

I cannot tell you, or show you how to get to this place in your Spirit. I cannot guide you in your sojourn. But I can share this poem that has deepened within me what God has done in me today.

I have peace. I have hope. I understand, today, what He means by LIVE.

His Word says clearly that “the people will live” and “we will live and not die”.

He said through a very Godly woman that I love to my core, through His spirit, “Don will live.”

He said through this poem … that all of this is truth and this is how I let go … and I am Letting God.

I must give the credit to the author – The Rev. Safire Rose

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

And with that I am not who I was when I awoke this morning … I AM Who I am in Christ, right now, today and forever.

Remember there is no DIY video for this. No self help book or post. This is about letting God change you to the core of who you were into the Core of WHO He made you.

Safe and peaceful travels on your sojourn … I’ll see you when you get to the other side of this breakthrough!

Thanks for stopping by to read. Please pray for my husband and my family. God bless.

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